Wednesday, 8 February 2012

The African Cup of Nations: Who's Watching?

I'm not. I just read that Zambia beat Ghana 1-0 in the semi-final and there wasn't even anybody in the stadium to  watch it.

See. My sheer footballing ignorance is going to pour out right now. I had no idea that Zambia even had a proper team. It made me happy to read that Asamoah Gyan missed a penalty, serves him right for being a money-grabbing cock-end. Considering I recognised the entire Ghana starting eleven, I presumed they would walk this. It sounds like they definitely should have done but somehow managed to throw all their possession and chances right down the shitter. Derek Boateng was also sent off to compound their misery.

Emmanuel Mayuka came off the bench for Zambia to score the winning goal. They will now play the Ivory Coast in the final, where they will almost certainly get raped. The Ivory Coast beat Mali 1-0 thanks to Gervinho and his bizarrre swollen head. Ivory Coast have players like Ya Ya Toure, Gervinho, Drogba and Kalou so trust in my clearly superior football knowledge and put your money on them to win.

The tournament has been played in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea. There is noone going to the games because tickets have cost up to three times the average weekly salary. Bear in mind that when people in Equatorial Guinea say they can't afford it, they really can't. It's not like us miserable fuckers in Britain. When we say we can't afford it, what we mean is that we can't afford to buy our lunch from our favourite deli or have a "proper" night out. Instead we will go to Marks and Spencer and get a hoisin duck wrap and drink ourselves into oblivion at home so when we finally get to the bar, we are too hammered to care about spending money we don't really have.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. We live in a rich country, it's ace. I'm actually drinking a gin and tonic right now and I can't wait to get a skinny cappuccino tomorrow morning with an extra shot of espresso. Perhaps I'll go to my favourite deli and get a bacon, brie and cranberry panini for lunch. I ran a 10K for Malawi once and they served us all pizza immediately afterwards. I still have no idea what it was all about or why I was there but I'm pretty sure they now have a goat or something. You're welcome.