And then he said "and just between you and me, if he ever leaves me again I'll cut myself. So help me!" and then he jumped up on the news desk on all fours as if possessed and started furiously masturbating, screaming like a pterodactyl as he reached the final countdown. "KA KAAAAAAA" he screeched as his self loving climaxed and a ghostly spirit erupted from the end of his sex sword - it was Jesus himself."We will have Thierry for January and February, then he will go back to the United States."I am sure during these two months he will be a massive asset to the team in the dressing room and on the pitch."He can be relaxed, not under too much pressure and be a tremendous help to the team."
"Hello my children", he began, 'Thanks to this glorious moment, I am now free to enslave all the Japanese people of the world. HA HA HA HA HA HA" and then I was like "Nooooooooo!" and I punched Wenger straight in the face so hard that his head fell off, revealing the lizard controlling the computer inside his body! "Where is the real Wenger?!" I demanded, very handsomely, but he replied "you'll never catch me!" and scurried off. Meanwhile, ghost Jesus was kicking ass in the reporters room, throwing dragon punches at Ollie Holt and Henry Winter. I had to give him a stone cold stunner, despite him being a ghost, but that put him to sleep. Then I said "take him away boys" to the policemen in the room and now he's in jail.
It was the most interesting of the press conferences I've been to recently, if I'm honest. I'd never lie to you.