Sunday, 8 January 2012

Stewart Downing punches his ex-girlfriend (allegedly)

Oh dear Liverpool, you're not doing very well just now are you? First Suarez, then the incident at the Oldham game, now Stewart Downing has decided to get in on the act and beat up his ex-girlfriend....allegedly. Then again most Liverpool fans are tracksuit wearing, hubcap stealing, racist, wife-beaters anyway so they are probably quite proud of the recent bad press.

from the Guardian

Joking of course, they don't all wear tracksuits. Downing was back in his hometown of Middlesborough "visiting old friends." The previous sentence is probably the only accurate piece in this article and the rest shall be purely fictitious and a product of my imagination, injected with a few truth nuggets.

After a few lagers with the lads, he went to his favourite club the Cross Keys. Unfortunately for Downing his ex-girlfriend was there. Presumably fueled with drunken confidence and unnecessary aggression, she ventured over to speak to a couple of Stu's friends.  "Stewart has a really shit right foot and he doesn't complete many successful crosses. He has no creativity, poor technique, his finishing isn't very good and he also has a tiny penis." Stuwart overheard this and he didn't like that, oh no he did not. He charged over to her, called her a slag and then gave her a haymaker.

The police were called and Downing retreated outside post haste. Although I'm not sure what they really expected Sting to do in this situation. I guess he could have sung Every Breathe You Take. Suddenly the rowing pair would have stopped arguing and remembered all the good times they had together in the style of a black and white montage of their relationship. Then they would make sweet love and Sting would join in using his super tantric sex powers.

It was confirmed that Downing was arrested at about 1am on Sunday morning. Oh yeah that last sentence is also true.