Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Some transfers happen

It's deadline day! Players are moving clubs, money is being spent - it's just all so exciting! Let's look at some things that have happened so far.

For those of you who don't know, that picture is from "Supermarket Sweep". You basically ran around a supermarket throwing things into your trolley and then those things are yours. Don't confuse the not paying part with real life, please.

TRANSFER NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wenger has kept all the Arsenal fans happy by signing a 13 year old called Thomas Eisfeld from Borussia Dortmund. He plays in midfield and will probably be amazing by the time he is 24 and ready to move to Barcelona.

image from totalfootballmadness.com
Ravel Cunt Features Morrison has moved to West Ham from Manchester United for an undisclosed fee. He wanted about £1m a week and is a gargantuan penis so Fergie told him to beat it, kicking him up the arse as he went. Expect to see him scoring a few wonder-goals before he gets arrested for mugging an old granny.

image from redflagflyinghigh.com
Martin Olsson was really lonely at Blackburn so they signed his twin brother Marcus. Steve Kean's plan is that he can make one carry out crimes while the other is standing next to him, so nobody will know.  His first mission is to steal the crown from the Tower of London so if you see either of the Olsson twins around there, be sure to kick them in the face to stop the heist.  That applies to the girl singers too.

Bolton have signed Ryo Miyaichi from Arsenal on loan, continuing Owen Coyle's tradition of taking decent young players and allowing them to blossom into the international superstars they threaten to become.  Rumours that Ken, Guile and E. Honda were also close to signing have not been confirmed.

QPR have signed Djibril Cisse for £4m and are close to sorting out Bobby Zamora's contract. The rumours are he that wants £90,000 a week which simply cannot be true.  It's Bobby Zamora for fuck's sake. If they manage to get those two together up front, then that is a good day's shopping so well done to Mark Hughes.

Liam Ridgewell has signed for West Brom from Birmingham so has now played for pretty much every team in Birmingham, proving once and for all that he really does not give a shit about anything other than money, or playing in the Premier Leauge. I don't really know but I'm hoping he gets booed, a lot. Is booed a word? If it is, I have no idea how to spell it.  That looks right now though.

Wayne Bridge has moved to Sunderland on loan from Man City so let's hope for everyone's sake that this works out better than his West Ham loan. He was responsible for some of the worst footballing performances I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Then again he is playing for Martin O'Neill - that man could buy Darren Mackie and within a month he'd be the most prolific striker the Premier League has ever seen. It's like he injects his players with confidence AIDS.

Sunderland have also "clinched" the loan signing of Sotirios Kyrgiakos.  I can only imagine how tough it was to fight off the competition for that guy.  Martin O'Neill had to not only complete the 1st round of  Ninja Warrior, but he also had to tackle the 'Travel-ator' from Gladiators just to be able to get close to the Greek defender, despite the fact that he is a complete donkey.

Fulham are going to sign Pavel Pogrebnyak, who used to be really good in Football Manager so I assume might be in real life. I remember he was considered Russia's best striker for a while but then got injured for the Euros and up stepped Pavlyuchenko to score a few goals and trick us all into thinking he was really good. Those crafty Russians and their cold wars and pretend star soccer players.

Which brings us neatly on to Pavlyuchenko, who is probably going to be sold back to someone in Russia. Nobody really cares, not even Roman Pavlyuchenko. I've never seen anyone give less of a fuck about anything, ever.

The "biggest" signing of the day has been Jelavic from Rangers to Everton. It was probably for around the £7m mark but that's really just a guess. David Moyes is fucking terrible at spending what little money Everton have so I fully expect him to be absolutely dreadful and end up back in the SPL within two years. Most likely at Celtic, where he will score a hat-trick against Rangers and World War 3 will start.  For about four hours, when the Buckfast wears off.

Elsewhere in Scotland, numerous players I have never heard of signed for various mediocre teams. Jorge Claros, Daniel Uchechi, Roy O'Donovan, Pa Saikou Kujabi, Jordan McMillan, Pawel Brozek, Milos Lacny and so on and so on. Aberdeen did sign Gavin Rae and I know who he is. That's exciting.

Oh and don't expect any other news today. They stop all wars and natural disasters for the transfer deadline.