Monday, 9 January 2012

Messi is good at football

Messi has won the Ballon D'Or for the third year in a row and should probably be banned from the event so somebody else can win. Alternatively we can just agree that there won't be a better human at playing football for a while and put the award into retirement until the super-football hybrid species made from Aguero and Maradona is old enough to play professionally.

Messi beat Ronaldo and Xavi to the title, although they were never really in the running. Ronaldo knew this and didn't even bother turning up to the event. Messi is 24 - 24 for fuck's sake. He has won pretty much everything at least twice and done all this despite the fact that he is a midget. Well he would have been, if it wasn't for those crazy Barcelona scientists and their experiments.

He does still have a long way to go before he reaches the level of Maradona though. First of all he needs to stop being so nice and start kicking people; cocaine will help him achieve this. Lots and lots of cocaine. Oh and a hand of god at the World Cup in Brazil 2014 would also be nice. Then after he wins the World Cup he needs to go completely mental and get really, really fat and almost die. Then and only then will he have matched the greatness of Maradona.

Other footballing people received awards as well. Alex Ferguson got an award for being really old, Pep Guardiola won the roundest bald head of the year award and Rooney got a trophy for growing a small marsupial on his head which he then gave to Neymar to wear as a hat. Pele turned up and said something about not being able to get an erection and Sepp Blatter just looked like a cunt. What a night.