Manchester United don't believe in signing good young players anymore because they all just move to Real Madrid at some point or another. They also don't want to bring anymore through the youth teams because Ryan Giggs keeps encouraging them to 'go out shagging' with him or something.
As a solution to the lack of midfield support in the Old Trafford ranks, Alex Ferguson has identified former Germany captain Michael Ballack as the man to turn the club's form around. Although he is 35 years old, using modern day cloning techniques, SAF plans to build an army of younger Ballacks which will be ready just in time for the 2030 season when David Weir will finally have to admit that he's actually been dead for centuries but being a vampire gets very boring after a while and he needed something to do. You don't get to have awesome vampire sex like in True Blood when you look like David Weir. Just trying to bite into some potential victims in Glasgow backfires when you realise that instead of blood they are filled with sausage mince.