Who cares about the Premiership or the SPL or La Liga when we can watch the African Cup of Nations! The last time an international tournament was held in Africa the Togo team was attacked by terrorists - it truly is the most exciting of all the trophies to win!
I'm genuinely really excited for this tournament because although the football is usually terrible, exciting things always seem to happen. The defenders and goalies in particular are normally off their fucking heads and just do weird stuff a lot of the time, resulting in goals, goals and more goals. This year the tournament is being joint hosted in Equatorial Guinea and Gabon which should be lovely. I assume.
This year we won't see giants like Cameroon because they didn't qualify, Togo because they were banned for very selfishly dropping out of the game after being slightly murdered in a terrifying terrorist attack, Nigeria because their government banned them from international competition for losing some games and Egypt, who normally win the whole thing because they didn't qualify.
I want Senegal to win because I absolutely love Demba Ba and also because I know absolutely nothing about African football other than the players that I see in the Premier League. Had you noticed? Don't lie, you don't either. This is the time of year that all those pretend French players wished they had souls and middle class white people talk about the 'amazing culture' of 'authentic' Africa, having visited once on a very expensive holiday, spending every day terrified of being kidnapped by their guide. Magical.
Also they always buy something carved into some wood, that literally no-one wants to look at. "Oh that's just something I got from Africa, have you been?". And I just reply, "Listen, cow, if Ndowu wasn't too busy carving a frog having sex with a man he might be able to actually build a fucking house like I asked him. What part of 'me pay you build' do these people not understand" and then they all laugh because I'm joking.
OR AM I?