Fulham 3-0 NSI Runavik

It would appear the football season has begun. Why didn't anybody tell me? Making me look like an idiot!

Fulham actually played a competitive Europavision League Cup Contest Qualifier against a team called NSI Runavik who are from the Faroe Islands. It's the 30th of June.  Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.

At risk of sounding condescending, infact I am definitely being condescending, what is the point in these two teams playing?  Honestly.  NSI have never actually won a game in European competition, their capacity is 2,000 and the Faroe Islands (the country) has a population of 50,000.  Fulham actually got to the final in 2010 and if they were to do the same again they will have played a further 22 games - a further 22 games that nobody gives a shit about.

The Europa Cup is your hot friend's little sister.  She is boring, she looks a bit like your hot friend but far less attractive.  She tries really hard to get people to like her but she simply isn't as interesting, funny or clever as her older sibling (brother or sister I'm not really bothered). The only time you would ever even think about hanging out with her is on a Thursday night when there really is fuck all else to do.  After 5 minutes in her company you wish you hadn't bothered and that people was an analogy.  Did it make sense? Maybe.

In case you wondered Damian Duff, Danny Murphy and Andy Johnson scored.

Man City want to buy Arsenal

A slight exaggeration of course, but there are strong rumours (sky sports news) that City want to buy Nasri and Clichy from Arsenal.

Man City are funded by a group of people who have no concept of money - they could literally buy Arsenal Football Club if they wanted.  If they want Clichy and Nasri, they will get them, here is why;

So you are a footballer playing for a good club and making around £60,000 a week. You are living in London, shagging models, driving super cars, generally being a dick head and spend your time off on a boat.  However your manager is a half man/half owl French nerd who hasn't actually won any trophies in six years:

"Please boss, can you buy a couple of players so we can win something this year?"
"bla bla bla arsenal way bla bla bla youth system bla bla bla baguette"

Then Man City come along.

"Do you want sign for us? We will pay you £200,000 a week. You probably won't even play LOL"
"Where do I sign?"
"On this paper made from the trees that Noah used to build his ark.  Here take my diamond encrusted pen made from the Holy Grail"

More models, more super cars, bigger dick heads, more time on a boat and probably some trophies. You do have to live in Manchester though.  Nothing a few million won't fix.

Carson Yeung Charged With Money Laundering

Birmingham City's owner/evil genius crime-lord Carson Yeung has been released on bail for charges relating to money laundering.

Yeung is charged with five counts of money laundering totaling a cool £59m and has been pissing money away on Birmingham.  Last season when he was asked by a reporter what the source of his funding was, the reply from one of his entourage was "you must not disrespect the godfather in this way".  Or something to that effect.

Obviously being too lazy to really research Yeung properly, I wikipedia'd him.  It reads like that of a stereotypical gangster type: property, casinos and a brief stint as a hairdresser in Hong Kong of course. Nobody really seems to know where he actually got his money from it would seem but that doesn't matter because you just pay off anyone who questions you.  If that doesn't work just shoot them in the face!  Better still, pay someone else to shoot them in the face.

The next hearing is August 11th.  Could it be jail?  Could it be the end of Birmingham?  Could it be magic?  Take That. Awesome

Michael Ballack has a skull on his head

So today I made this:

Don't ask.

Greece might be banned from international football

Greece is currently doing very well in economic terms and its league is always very exciting with Olympiakos having won only 12 out of the last 14 leagues.  Some people have been claiming for years that referees are paid off and that the games are fixed - poppycock!  Or not, because it turns out that Greek football is a bunch of arhidia.

That video is of a goal from a game between Panathanaikos and Olympiakos.  It was disallowed for being offside.  Watch it again and try and figure out at which point any green shirt is offside.  This is one pretty normal example from 39 matches that have now been highlighted as being at the centre of a match-mixing scandal that goes right to the top, not far off from a plot that Martin Scorsese might actually have already invented.

The head of the Greek national league is coincidentally also the president of Olympiakos so it's fair to say his is the pick of the names involved in the scandal.  About two years ago UEFA were alerted to irregular betting patterns and presented the evidence to Greek officials.  My girlfriend is Greek and will attest to the fact that two years is actually quite a rapid response to anything in Athens, but here we are with nothing having been done but the lingering threat of expulsion from Champions League, Eurovision Cup and even international matches forcing a change of mindset.

As with any league with one or two teams who win every year there are conspiracy theorists who claim that one club owns the league, the referees and even satellite teams that never get relegated in return for six points during the course of the season.  These allegations in Greece are actually based in fact which makes them awesome.

At the moment all football business in Greece has been halted for two-weeks but this will almost certainly spill over because Bet-365 are believed to be offering in-play odds as to how long the investigations will last

Mexicans love prostitutes

The Mexican Copa America squad had a friendly visit from some delicious prostitutes which resulted in eight of their players being suspended for the next six months.  Arriba!

Giovanni Dos Santos' brother Jonathon was one of the LADZ

Mexico are fielding a youth team in the tournament - I'll be honest, I have no idea why - but it appears that their age belies their wisdom and ability to party hard with no less than 14 prostitutes having been summoned for some fun.  The best part about the story is how they were caught: having returned from training following the previous evening's shenanigans, the players discovered that a bunch of these whores had nicked heaps of their stuff.  If there is a worse hangover than realising you paid an Ecuadorian prostitute so that you could bang them, it's got to be then finding out that they stole your watches, phones and about $15,000 in cash.

Having clearly never watched a sitcom before, the Mexicans then reported the theft, unaware that the repercussions in doing so would mean that they would have to answer questions such as:

'You hired prostitutes whilst representing your country and now want this same country to help you out'.

Mexico even has to be invited to play in the Copa America because despite technically being in South America, it isn't involved in the South American tournament.  They're basically like that guy your friends are friends with and because you are having a party you know you have to invite them too, so you do, but then they turn up with a boat load of hookers, leave tacos all over the house and smoke weed in your parents' room.

Glenn Hoddle's failed footballers live in Manchester

Glenn Hoddle believes that disabled people are paying for their terrible deeds from a past life.  He also has this sort of business where footballers that are released from clubs at a young age get to go and play football until someone signs them.

Having fallen out with the Spanish club that his business (modestly titled the Glenn Hoddle Academy) were previously linked with, lovely old Glenn has moved his footballers over to Manchester to link up with 'Hyde' who play in the Blue Square Upper Northern Quadrant of Near Manchester Still in England league.  The Academy's aim is to get one player playing regularly in a Premier League or La Liga team and so far has shipped off about 5 players to various clubs like Kilmarnock and Sevilla, which is actualy quite a nice thing.

The dispute with the Spanish team that has driven the Academy to England is allegedly over money and not because Hoddle suggested that the special needs kids who came to watch the home games were serving their time for murdering people in the 1850s.

North Korean women struck by lightning

The USA beat North Korea yesterday (I hasten to add that this was at football, not in the forthcoming war) and the losers accepted defeat gracefully and just as you would expect.  By claiming that half of the team had been struck by lightning.

 

This photo is stolen from some website I stumbled across and depicts the epic battle between two girls in the under-17's World Cup final, proving that even the under-17s don't have hotness potential.  From BBC Sport:

"When we stayed in Pyongyang during training our players were hit by lightning, and more than five of them were hospitalised," said coach Kim, without naming the affected players specifically.

"Some stayed in hospital and then came to Germany later than the rest of us. The goalkeeper and the four defenders were most affected, and some midfielders as well. The physicians said the players were not capable of participating in the tournament.

I honestly think I fancy Cesc Fabregas more than any single woman footballer that I have ever seen and I extend this to include most North Koreans.  If you think you have a mental girlfriend just imagine having one from North Korea who not only goes tits if you forget to record Gossip Girl, but also then claims she can't have sex with you because she was struck by lightning.  Actually that might be a convenient excuse.

Five clubs meet Neymar release clause

Santos' President, Very Typically-Longo-Brazilian-Name de Oliveira Robeiro has confirmed that five clubs have agreed to pay Neymar's minimum free release clause. A measly €45m.

The five clubs are named as Real Madrid, Barcelona, Manchester City, Chelsea and Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala. I'm going out on a limb here but he will definitely sign for Real Madrid or Barcelona.

Russia may offer him millions of dollars, countless virgins and perhaps an oil field or two but it's freezing cold and has no prestige. Chelsea and Man City can offer huge wages as well but the thought of getting his legs broken by Stoke  players probably isn't too appealing for a skinny nineteen-year old. Perhaps he will surprise us all and actually show some dignity and respect and see out his contract at Santos?

Probably not. Which leaves Barca and Real Madrid. Barcelona will probably spend their budget on Fabregas which leaves Real Madrid. There you have it. Neymar has signed for Real Madrid by the power of deduction.    Prepare to watch him and Ronaldo have an epic who can pass to team-mates the least contest and do so many step-overs they create a black hole.  

£16m for Scott Dann and Cameron Jerome - REJECTED

Ok the joke's over. Football is officially fucking mental.

News came out today that Stoke bid £16m for Birminghams Scott Dann and Cameron Jerome. It was rejected. They rejected £16m for Cameron Jerome................and Scott Dann. Let that sink in a moment.  Scott Dann is a good defender and maybe worth £8m at a push. This means that "they", whoever they are,  also rate Jerome at £8m.

Jerome is one of those players who can't actually finish so isn't really a striker. He isn't very good at dribbling or crossing so he isn't a winger. He also isn't very creative or good at passing so he is not an attacking midfielder. So what the fuck is he? Birmingham have been relegated, surely they are not in a position to turn down £16m?

Nothing makes sense anymore. At times like this I turn to Jesus, then I remember he doesn't exist.

Arsenal and Spurs both want Cahill

According to what tabloid you read, Bolton's Gary Cahill is wanted by Arsenal and Spurs. Both have tabled bids (allegedly).

 It would seem that Wenger has finally accepted he does actually need a defence. £17m is what's required to meet Cahill's release clause and Arsene is ready to front up the money. On paper, if Arsenal could get a decent CB to partner Vermalen and keep injury free, they could be real contenders for the title. In reality they will find some way of fucking it up like they have done for the last 6 years.

Spurs have reportedly offered four players in exchange for Cahill . Surely it's a bit awkward when clubs turn down these player exchanges? "So guys, it is true that we believe the four of you combined are equal to one player. However that does not mean we don't rate you as professionals and it's definitely not true that we don't want you. If you could not make a big deal about this that would be great".

My ex girlfriend wasn't happy when I tried to exchange her for a bottle of whisky and a packet of Wotsits. Sounded like a great deal when I was drunk.

Hearts like to employ paedophiles

The good news for me is that Craig Thomson has been convicted so I can't be sued.

Yes, Hearts don't seem to have a problems with having pedophiles represent them.  First of all they had Graham Rix as their manager - a man who was convicted of having underage sex and indecently assaulting a fifteen-year old girl.  Now they have young full back Craig Thomson who has been convicted of lewd, libidinous and indecent behaviour towards two underage girls. Thomson was fined and placed on the sex offenders register for his actions.

Basically Thomson was chatting to some young girls on the internet and using all the brain power that the average professional footballer possess, thought, "I should probably send these young girls a picture of my dick. Yes I'm definitely going to send a picture of my dick. Nothing could possibly go wrong."

Needless to say the pictures found their way to the police and here we are.  Romanov, the Hearts Chairman was asked what he thought about having another sex offender being employed by Hearts.  His reply was "at least he didn't shag them".  Jim Jeffries was asked to comment but said "I'm an Australian comedian, who the fuck is Craig Thomson?".

Women's football alert: England 1-1 Mexico

You might not realise, notice or care but the women's World Cup is happening RIGHT NOW.

David James wrote an article for the Guardian about how nobody really gives women's football a chance, how it should receive more coverage from the media and be given more respect.  Perhaps we are all sexist?  Maybe David James is right - perhaps the skill level has increased dramatically over the last few years and it is actually a really high standard of competition which deserves to be aired on the BBC at prime time and not hidden away via the red button as everybody is watching Wimbledon, or the news, or any other channel just to avoid watching it.

Then you actually take in five minutes of it and discover that David James himself has clearly never watched a game.  England drew 1-1 with Mexico and from what I could tell the standard was just above my school U13s team.  In fairness I think there was something wrong with my Sky because everything seemed to be in slow motion.  On the plus side, there was the standard dog-shit goalkeeping after England's keeper let in a goal from 30 yards.  As is tradition with the match being tied, the winner was decided by a pillow fight in a mud pit.  Sexism.  Fantastic.

Here is the goal

David De Gea will sign for Man Utd today

The 20 year old Spanish goalkeeper known only as 'David De Gea' is undergoing a medical at Manchester United ahead of his proposed £17.8 million move that we reported about 2 months ago.  Get with the times everyone!

I did Film at University so I'm pretty well equipped to explain what they mean by 'medical'.  If I'm correct, and I suspect that I am, at this moment in time De Gea is bent over a table somewhere in Manchester with Andy Cole trying to ram his fist as far up his arse as it can go because this encourages tactical awareness.  Simultaneously in the room Alex Ferguson is sacrificing Jim Leighton so that he can become sort of like a ghost Yoda and give him goal keeping tips from time to time.  Jim Leighton already looks like a ghost and Yoda so it makes sense.

Yes, I think that's definitely what's going on.

Arsenal will sell Cesc Fabregas

if the price is right.  I don't mean if they go on the game show, it means they actually will if Barcelona pay enough money.  Which, thinking about it, I'm pretty sure was always the case.  Anyway

BBC Sport have 'learned' that Cesc is more than likely to move after speaking to someone who works for Arsenal.  Their source is a senior Arsenal official who claims that having rejected an opening bid from Barca, the North London side are bracing themselves for another approach which they will then probably accept.  So he's definitely going to Barcelona this time.  Or he might not.  Whether he'll be in the starting 11 is anyone's guess because he's pretty much Xavi's replacement once Xavi doesn't play anymore.... Xavi's 31 so not exactly retiring just yet....

I'm sure it will all work out.  Probably.  I'm so bored of this story.  Barcelona, either sign him or kill him but please choose quickly because it might not be your choice for too much longer.

For legal reasons I'd like to point out that I do not intend to kill Cesc Fabregas

No-one is Kean to move to Blackburn

No players want to move to Blackburn Rovers because presumably it is boring there, no one knows who Steve Kean is and their owners are completely mental.  The latest player to turn down a move is Mirko Vucinivic.

The Montenegrin, which is how you spell that, is widely expected to leave Roma this summer but he won't be flying into Blackburn any time soon because, according to his agent:

“Blackburn talk is just a rumour. They are a respectable club but I feel Mirko deserves a more prestigious club.”

Blackburn's owners - the family behind Venky's chicken - live in what some refer to as a 'parallel dimension' in which every footballer in the world wants to move to your club because you offer them the same wages as everyone else but nothing more desirable so just then offer slightly more money.  Instead of attracting any big names - let alone anyone half decent - to their club, Blackburn have struggled to keep hold of players already on their books.  Phil Jones has already buggered off to sit on the bench at Man Utd and Chris Samba is wanted by several other more esteemed clubs like Arsenal.  Having originally planned to sign Ronaldinho and then appointing a woman in charge of club affairs whose only experience of watching football was a few games at the last world cup on TV (I'm not making this up by the way, there are quotes somewhere) will there be any wonder when Blackburn enjoy another relegation scrap next year?

Get rid of the boring teams.  We all want Nottingham Forest back in the Premiership, and if you don't you're a communist

Man City want the Incredible Hulk

Hulk is a footballer that plays for Porto FC and he's very good at what he does.  Manchester City have more money than sense and they have quite a lot of sense so want to spend a lot of this money on Hulk.  £38 million apparently.  Oh and also Sammy Eto'o.

you wouldn't like him when he's angry

Hulk scored a bucket load of goals last season for the Portuguese champions and is now one of several players linked with leaving the club.  It's expected that Joao Moutinho will move to Chelsea to follow his boss and Hulk is almost the certainly the most high profile of those left in the squad so why not?  There's a formula to creating Man City transfer rumours which goes like this:

Really good player that will cost at least £20 million = Man City will want to buy him

It's pretty easy to do and some people get paid to report on it so on that note I'd like to point out that Tony Adams is pretty good at football according to FIFA 97 so Man City are trying to buy him too.  I'm good at football.

Oh yeh and they want to buy Sammy Eto'o but that story is just exactly the same as this one, except more black.

River Plate fans are lovely

So last night River Plate were relegated from the Argentine first division for the first time since they formed as a club.  Which is 110 years.  Were the fans happy?  25 injured and 2 dead suggests not!

Yes, in typical Argentine style the home fans started kicking the shit out of absolutely everything they possibly could, be it human, chair, policeman or floor - not forgetting of course to set fire to their own stadium.  If there's something players love it's knowing that the threat of relegation not only means having to play in a slightly worse league for a year but also that your entire family is in danger of being raped and killed.  Now in even worse debt than before (an estimated £12 million) River Plate are almost monumentally fucked and their president, world cup winning Daniel Passarella will go down in history as the biggest 'take down to zero' since Captain Planet ended his war on pollution.

Stewart Downing wants to leave Villa too

Stewart Downing can't wait to leave Villa, and who blames him - they're fucking terrible!

Yes, young Stewart wants to move as well and Liverpool are the object of his desire and vice versa.  Kenny Dalglish needs some wingers to distribute footballs on to the top of Andy Carroll's head, thus justifying £35 million of a mis-laid fortune, and seems to be willing to pay the inflated English person's transfer fee for Downing's services.  He's worth about £10 million in real life so the transfer fee, should it happen, will be somewhere close to about £85 billion including agent's fees.

Arsenal have signed Ricardo Alvarez

Or maybe they haven't.  Who knows?  I'll be honest - I've never heard of this guy but he's probably good because Wenger wants to buy him.  Anyway:

I stole this from someone's wordpress.  Please moan at us if you own it

So I googled him and the first few things that come up are other people's 'breaking news' about him having "already signed for Arsenal" (that's the quote from the Palermo President that is being thrown around) and then some Wikipedia ambiguity.  Either this guy is an inmate on the TV series Oz, or he is a Mexican footballer born in 1953.  Now I know Wenger wants some experience in his side but I think that's just a little bit over the top - next he'll be signing David Weir if his corpse can be exhumed in time for next season.  The other possible low down on this player is that he could be a 23 year old winger and he might be Argentinian because he plays for a team in Argentina called Velez Sarsfield.  

That's about as much as I could figure out and the music has stopped playing so I know there aren't any more clues.  Time for interrogation!

Yeovil Town are buying players from Twitter

This is a story from the BBC website about Terry Skiverton, real name, who manages Yeovil Town and signed a player because some people on Twitter recommended him.

Apparently it's being called the first 'Twansfer' which is just awful.  In a request to fans earlier in the year, Skiverton pointed that he couldn't afford a scouting network so used something that most people involved in football don't have - a brain (they all have twitter).  Suggestions got fired left, right and center until eventually Kieran Agard was signed following his release from Everton.  Football club, not jail.

I can think of a few possible ways that this story can improve the world - first of all some knowledgeable football fans might get jobs within the industry as scouts after a few of their tips turn out to be golden.  Secondly we can encourage managers to buy hilariously over-rated players and ruin their clubs.  For our first experiment I propose that we recommend that Halifax town buy Fernando Torres.

Today's new Inter Milan manager: Gian Piero Gasperini

Inter Milan appointed a new manager today and it's no-one particularly exciting, dangerous or note-worthy.  Just some guy that used to be in charge of Genoa but got fired from them and hasn't done any management work since.

Despite looking like something out of Jim Henson's workshop, the Italian has signed a two year contract after both of Inter's first choices - Chile's Marcelo Bielsa and ex-player Sinisa Mihajlovic - turned them down.  Inter President Massimo Maratti later wrote on the club's website:

"I am fully satisfied with the choice."

I assume he then took a deep breath and sighed the biggest sigh of all time before telling everyone else to fuck off so he could watch the Glastonbury highlights.  I don't know any Inter Milan fans so can't see what they think about this once in a lifetime appointment, but if I did I'm almost certain that the response would be along the lines of 'at least the Vaccines were good'

Gary O'Connor is in trouble

Recent Hibs signing and Scotland international Gary O'Connor was ALLEGEDLY caught with some delicious cocaine in Edinburgh sometime in May and now he has a court date to turn up for.  How fun!

The 28 year old was confronted by Police during that month and decided to do what any innocent man would and FUCKING LEG IT through the streets of the capital until eventually he was caught.  It turns out that no amount of step-overs are going to confuse the old bill.  The white powder they took off him was sent away for analysis and it's safe to say that it's probably not going to be confirmed as talcum powder any time soon, so by the time his court date comes around Mr O'Connor, accused, may not find himself enjoying life quite so much.  ALLEGEDLY!

Roberto Carlos may quit football

Roberto Carlos, the famous tiny Brazilian left back who hits the ball reaaaaaally hard might be quitting football after becoming the victim of a big fat racism in Russia.

As everyone knows, pretend racism is funny but actual racism is awful.  It sickens me that in 2011 it's still so prevalent within football - I'm looking at you Spain, Italy and most of Eastern Europe.

In a recent game playing for Anzhi Makhachkala in Russia, someone in the crowd threw a banana at Carlos.  Clearly disgusted and upset, he refused to play on and left the field.  He was seen on camera crying on the subs bench before placing a towel over his head.  After the game he said that he is seriously considering retiring after suffering racist jibes earlier in the season.


Fitbathatba propose this: we find the culprit and strip him naked.  "How kinky"I hear you say.  We then part his legs and hold them in place with ropes.  You're starting to wonder where this is going.  A weighted football is placed about 15 yards from the man.  Carlos strolls up in a boxing style dressing gown.  Music is playing as he does his little trade mark run up. BOOM!  He hits the ball 100mph straight into the man's genitals.  Justice is served.

Leeds United ban Great-Grandmother

Old people piss me off so reading about this brought me great joy.  Leeds United have banned an elderly lady from Ellon Road after she invaded the pitch on the last game of the season.

Margaret Musgrove, GILF of 63, was banned for one year after she ran onto the pitch to try and rape one of the players.  Stewards led the randy lady away to the holding cells until her vagina could be controlled.  She said she just wanted to say "to the lads" that she loved them.

Fuck off Grandma.  Just because you are old doesn't mean the rules don't apply, and I would know, having invaded many a pitch myself.  Run onto the pitch, look like a fanny, get self-conscious and run off again before you get caught.  That is what you do when you invade the pitch.  I for one support Ken Bates and Leeds United in their campaign against banning old people and women from football matches. Now if we could only ban those pesky disableds.

Heart of Midlothian - crooks, criminals and thieves

An article on the official Heart of Midlothian FC website was brought to my attention today. Having read it a few times, I honestly think someone must have hacked the site to post such an article.

It starts off talking about how for 7 years, (Vladimir Romanov took over the club about then) "they" have been trying to protect the club from crooks, criminals and thieves. Quickly followed by bizarre references to swindles and football patriots.

There are accusations of stealing players, having bad games...... and highlights players problems with the law and  fines from the SFA. Oh and it doesn't stop there. The pissed up ramblings continue. Paedophiles are mentioned, criminals and even the mafia.

I really cannot do this article justice and implore you all to check it out. It is one of the strangest things I have ever read and the fact it is on the official website and headlined as an official statement from the club's board of directors makes it one of the best.

Read it right here http://www.heartsfc.co.uk/articles/20110624/hearts-statement_2241384_2381659

Chris Hughton is new Birmingham manager

If you read FitbaThatba every day then you will remember when we announced that Chris Hughton was probably going to be appointed Birmingham manager.  AND WE WERE RIGHT!  PARTY TIME!

The ex-Newcastle boss has been given the chance to gain promotion with the blues following the resignation of Alex Mcleish and I think it's probably quite a good appointment so everyone should be happy.  He now wants to appoint Colin Calderwood as his assistant, helping to prove just how diabolically shit the SPL is by taking one of the league's biggest club's managers and making him boil the kettle and clean football boots or whatever it is an assistant does.  In other news Paul Ince was rejected for a job at JJB Sports and cried.

Exclusive: Robbie Keane to Wolves

A FitbaThatba exclusive here - a friend of a friend who works for Spurs has revealed that former captain Robbie Keane is quite likely to move back to Wolves this summer.

The Irishman has fallen out of favour at Spurs for mostly acting like a bell-end and taking the squad out on the piss last Christmas.  Allegedly.  Since his fall from grace he has enjoyed stints at Celtic, West Ham and on the bench so to avoid another season of potentially having to play in the SPL, Mick McCarthy and his giant bent nose are offering the chance of first team football.  No transfer fees have been mentioned but you'd expect something around the £5/6 million mark for the UK and Republic of Ireland's all time top scorer who will then go on to announce that he's delighted to be back because he supported Wolves as a boy.  After a stirling season he will move to Olympiakos where he will declare that he is delighted because not only is it sunny, but he used to support them as a boy.  

He played for Inter Milan once.  Remember that?

Neymar will probably move to Real Madrid

Brazilian sensation Neymar is set to turn down a move to Chelsea in order to move to Mourinho's Madrid, according to some rumours I heard.

The lure of Spain, its weather and attractive football have proven too much for the teenager and if these rumours are actually true then a transfer fee just has to be worked out between Santos and the European giants.  Pele has put his two cents in as well saying that it's the right move because the Premier League is too rough - ironic if you consider that Pele would love to be able to get hard.

Boners.

Spain and Switzerland to meet in U21 Final

Both teams required extra time to win their semi-finals tonight in the U21 European Championship with Spain defeating Belarus 3-1 and Switzerland overcoming the Czech Republic 1-0.

Thiago (seen above) ran the show for Spain but they were 1-0 down until the 88th minute after an overhead kick from Voronkov opened the scoring.  Until Spain said NO!  Adrian scored a typical Spain goal - pass pass pass pass SPEED UP passpasspass GOAL - that kind of thing.  In extra time they just dominated and Adrian scored another in a very similar manner before Jeffren got the 3rd by saying 'yo, fuck this passing shit!' and humped it into the top corner from 25 yards.

Switzerland Vs the Czechs was so boring that after about 10 minutes I was completely convinced that it would go to extra time.  It did.  Eventually Mehmedi showed a bit of class and drilled it low in the bottom corner from outside the box to win it in the 114th minute.  Luckily I changed the channel and didn't bother flicking back until extra time.  Smart

If Spain do not win this competition I will eat my own Cat and he is a ginger. Gross.

Sam Allardyce is a smug twat

Not your average headline but accurate all the same.

"Big Sam" is the new manager of West Ham and he has been quite vocal on his plans for the club and also his self belief.  Nothing wrong with that, you would think, but this man is deluded.  Not too long ago he was quoted as saying that if he was offered the Inter or Real Madrid jobs he would deliver the double every year.  Then he blamed clubs not looking past his reputation as a "survival expert" for him not getting these jobs and added that he believes he has taken a risk by dropping down a level to manage but reckons he will be straight back up at the end up of the season.  So no worries there.

Sam is going to reinvent the club and play football the right way he tells us.  Really?  This coming from a man whose specialised tactics involved playing a defender upfront, hoofing the ball up the park and hoping to score from a knock down.  If this didn't work he relies on free kicks and corners to bundle the ball in.  This isn't a newspaper so fuck being neutral - I cannot stand Allardyce.  In all fairness he is a good manager in as far as the clubs he manages can usually guarantee safety from relegation, it's just a shame he sucks all the enjoyment out of watching his teams play like a big, fun-sucking whore-monster.

My opinion of him might improve if he grows his moustache back.  Now that was awesome.

Man Utd are signing Ashley Young

My brain didn't really work for a second there and I originally wrote Man Utd are signing Ashley Cole. What a story that would have been.  Even Andy Cole would have been good.

Villa bought Ashley Young for £9.65m from Watford a few years ago and I remember thinking, 'oh golly gee isn't that a lot of money?'.  Well he is now on the verge of a £17m switch to Old Trafford.  £17m.  An average wide player who wears gloves is worth £17m.

Well of course he isn't really.  Perhaps Alex Ferguson is terrified of FIFA's hatred of all things England and is predicting that before too long you will have to play at least 10 English players in every game. Before too long clubs will be paying £10m for Shola Ameobi and an Xbox with FIFA and Call of Duty for Titus Bramble.  I jest - Newcastle actually paid £6m for Bramble when he was younger but the comedy he has provided since is priceless.  Just looking at him is enough to make me laugh.  This picture was taken just before the ball ran through his legs again.

Villas-Boas is the new Chelsea boss

33 year old Portuguese genius Andre Villas-Boas has been confirmed as the new Chelsea boss, having signed a 3 year deal in London today.

I can't seem to get the pictures to work on this computer at the moment so just think of a handsome person from Portugal and you are 98% of the way there.  Chelsea have reportedly paid the €15 million 'transfer fee' for the manager, setting what could be a new precedent for manager transfer markets.

Villa-Boas' mercurial career is something of an amazing story - he lived as a youth in the same block of flats that Bobby Robson moved into, pestered him into helping him start a career (he was 17), got some Uefa licenses in Scotland, managed an International football match at the age of 21 and won 3 trophies last year by absolutely raping everyone with FC Porto.  Also renowned for his 'legendary' scouting reports on opposition players (he'd return 6 page dossiers on each player in a team for Mourinho), he's somewhat meticulous when it comes to preparation.  So basically if you see him outside your window staring in, something is going to happen.  It might be good, it might be bad, but it's definitely happening.

Sanchez to Barcelona

Alexis Sanchez, wanted by everybody that could afford him,  has pretty much signed for Barcelona.

Man City's billions, nor Alex Ferguson's mind control techniques could get Sanchez to sign and instead he chose to play for the best team in the universe, except for maybe the Jedi Council XI. It's said that the deal is worth about €45m which also include's Barcelona player Jeffren going in the opposite direction.

Sanchez was absolutely brilliant at last year's World Cup and tore up the Serie A this season. There should have been a UN intervention to stop this transfer happening - Barca are already too good for every other team in the world and this is only going to make them stronger. As per usual the Fabregas saga is continuing but if they finally do manage to sign him their attacking options will consist of Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas, Messi, Villa, Pedro and Sanchez. Every manager in Europe has just collectively soiled themselves whilst at the same time, every neutral fan just came in their underpants. The people who don't follow football just got really bored and closed the tab.

There will be no GB Olympic football team

All rather bizarre this. The other day the Olympic Association came out and said that an "historic agreement" had been made, concerning a Great Britain team for the London Olympics. Well today the Scottish, Irish and Welsh Football Associations have come out and essentially said that's bullshit.

Just looking at that logo makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Anyway, the Scots, Welsh and Irish have come out today and said they strongly oppose the idea for an Olympic football team. In their minds this will have lasting damage on their identities as individual  football nations being recognised by FIFA. They said they want nothing to do with the tournament. Yes, that's right. The same tournament that is part of the biggest sporting spectacle on planet Earth.

I'm sorry but the people in charge of these FAs are fucking morons. FIFA have repeatedly said that if Scotland, Wales, Ireland and England were to submit a British team, this would be a one off thing and have no consequences on the individual national teams whatsoever. Surely we should have a UK team at the Olympics, considering the Olympics are in the UK? Football is also our national sport. Then again common sense has no place in modern football so I don't know why I'm surprised.

Rangers want Goodwillie. Aberdeen want someone.....anyone

Dundee United have told Rangers they will need to cough up £2m for David Goodwillie if they want the young striker.

Goodwillie may or may not be a rapist. He is however an extremely good player and if he goes to Rangers there are two options. Number 1 - he goes and scores shit loads of goals and becomes the next big fish in a small pond and lords it around Glasgow for the next ten years but doesn't actually improve.  Number 2 - he goes and plays shite and eventually makes his way back to Dundee United. Either way moving to Rangers does NOT develop the career of young Scottish players. However I am sure Rangers is where he will end up so please, prove me wrong.

Aberdeen on the other hand are hoping to sign some goalkeeper called David Gonzalez who is supposedly at Manchester City.  Anybody will do considering they have no players and their goalkeeper had a mystery seizure. At the moment they barely have enough for a first eleven. In my dreams Donald Trump buys the club, builds a 60,000 seater stadium by his new golf resort and creates the first £1b team. Then I wake up and realise I've spunked all over my pyjamas.

Gael Clichy might move to Liverpool

Arsenal left-back Gael Clichy is rumoured to be close to an exit from the Emirates this year with Liverpool being touted as a potential new destination.

Liverpool don't want to pay any more than £5 million for him which is £2 million short of what Arsenal would like; Roma are another team interested and are willing to bid the full amount.  The Roma offer makes sense for Arsenal, the £5 million deal to Liverpool makes sense for the scousers so I think it's safe to expect Kieron Dyer to move to Real Betis for £85 million tomorrow morning to make sure that the Universe doesn't implode.

England are terrible at international tournaments

England's future golden generation crashed out of the Under 21's European Championships this week in a much less dramatic style than Ryan Dunn.

Nothing exciting happened, they drew, they lost and Stuart Pearce continued to show us just how phenomenally awful at being a manager he is.  This is the same man that once played David James upfront for Man City:

Rumours have now had to be denied by the FA that they've decided to withdraw the 2 year contract offered to Pearce, probably in fear that by the time these players are ready to play for the England national team it will already be too late for them.  But at least if England are losing 4-1 to Germany in their next world cup game they can put the reserve keeper in goals and stick Joe Hart upfront.  That's a much better idea than putting on someone whose actual job is to play football as a striker.

Villas-Boas thinks he is rich/might be rich

So it's almost certain that 33 year old Andre Villas-Boas is going to be the new Chelsea boss and the Mirror have tried to break a story this afternoon that he has offered to pay the £13.2 million release clause himself.

Now I don't doubt for a minute that he's quite a wealthy chap but there aren't that many people in the world at the age of 33 who can afford to spend that amount of money at once apart from wizards, criminals and Mark Zuckerberg.  Having reportedly sent a fax to Porto HQ offering to pay the buy-out clause himself this would clear the way for Chelsea to step in and sign him up.  It's about 99% likely that Abramovich is going to bank roll this whole thing himself and Villas-Boas won't actually spend a penny but at least when the Portuguese walks into a club tonight everyone is going to KNOW that he can make it rain

Alex McLeish the right man for Villa

Or so he thinks anyway. He called his first press-conference today since being confirmed as Aston Villa manager and seems to have convinced himself at least, that he is the right man for the job.

McLeish does not foresee too many problems with managing Villa and reckons his tough-skin will allow him to be a success. Myself nor anyone else seem to be convinced. What I didn't understand was how easy the press took it on him at the conference. Nobody asked a question like "so do you feel a bit of a cunt for getting Birmingham relegated, quitting by email and going to their biggest rivals?". Or "ok so what about the fact you are going to try and sign as many of Birmingham's best players as you can, does that make you feel like a bit of a cunt?"

Instead it was all "so do you think you can be a success?". Good question shit head, good to see that journalism degree wasn't a complete waste of your parents money. Rumours are he was expected to give a phone interview for a radio show on a local Birmingham station but bailed just before he went live. He really doesn't give a fuck any more does he?

Aluko plays women's football?

Sone Aluko... oh no wait that's Eniola Aluko, sorry, says that England's women's football team - which is a real thing - has no fear for their world cup game blah blah blah tits

I can't tell if it's due to my terrible racism or cripplingly poor knowledge of football that I actually had to read the first few lines of the article on the BBC Sport website to realise that the person in the picture wasn't the former Aberdeen winger, but now I've started this post I guess I have to finish it.  Women's football is the biggest pile of shit I have ever seen.  Every year Arsenal win the FA Cup and it's just awful.  Now I find out there's a whole World Cup dedicated to this?  Cancel it.  I don't have anything other to say than something like 'oh but at least they get to play I suppose and they enjoy that' but that's literally sexist, as opposed to the 'joke' sexism I write with on here.

That ought to get me out of some trouble

EDIT:  HA!  Fuck you racism - it turns out that Eniola is actually Sone's sister.  And by sister I mean his sister, not his sista

I have never heard of Leandro Damiao

Please enjoy this guest post from my friend Steve:

News reaches this correspondent that Tottenham Hotspur are about to spunk £20m of Joe Lewis's sheckels against a wall called Leandro Damiao, a striker who has played for Brazil. Once. Against Scotland. And didn't score. £20m.

This for a bloke that has scored 8 goals in 28 games for Internacional, not quite confirming that he would hit water if he fell out of a boat. £20m. Sterling.

News obviously hasn't reached Spurs' Chairperson Daniel "Theo Paphitis-like" Levy that Brazilian clubs often pay the CBF to cap players so that any fucking eejit they have suddenly becomes worth £20m. The logic goes that Pele played for Brazil, he was pretty good, so anyone else who plays for them must be worth about 200 Faberge Eggs. May I offer you some stellar names recently called up by the CBF? Rever, Mariano, Giuliano, Jonas, Jefferson. Heard of any? Thought not. Yours for £20m each though. Or 40,000,000 Creme Eggs.

Schmeichel set to play for Leicester City?

Kasper that is, and he isn't a friendly ghost - far from it.  He is actually.... A GOALKEEPER!

this photo is awful because I've started taking them from wikipedia

Son of Peter, the International Dane is set to leave the shores of Leeds, which doesn't have a shore, and move to the city of Leicester which has a Sven Goran-Eriksson.  There's really not much to add to this story, just enjoy it for what it is: a beautiful tale about a man eternally stuck in the shadow of his father and one which I wouldn't even care about had I not actually thought the headline I read was about his father.

Neil Lennon signs new contract

Great news! Neil Lennon has signed a new 12 month contract.

Yup Celtic have confirmed that Lennon has signed a 12-month rolling contract. One can only assume he has a death wish or just hates his family and would rather spend his weekends being spat on by neanderthals. It definitely did not get boring and shameful last season, reading and viewing all the madness surrounding Neil Lennon and co. Death threats, pitch side assault, government intervention and a parcel bomb in a pear tree.

Something about the love for Lennon confuses me. He actually lost the CIS Cup and the league to Rangers.  Now on paper he definitely has a better squad so surely he has done a bit of a shit job? It's truly a case of if you're not first, you're last in the SPL. Hearts, who finished 3rd, were a mere 29 points behind Celtic in 2nd. Therefore I assume the love is based around the fact that he makes Rangers fans' blood boil at the mere sight of him. If he winds them up anymore next season, we might actually see their heads exploding live and in high definition on sky sports. Or in 3D if you are one of those berks who actually bought in to 3D and sit in your house wearing those glasses that cost £200. What were you thinking?

Celtic still don't seem to be sure about Neil Lennon

Celtic have once again put all their support behind manager Neil Lennon by giving him a massive 12 month contract, which is about 3 years less than most humans would get.

Despite looking like one of the people you beat up in Streets of Rage, Lennon led Celtic to Cup success last year by beating some other irrelevant Scottish teams.  This year I would fully expect the same to happen but just remember that this does not mean he is a good manager - only 2 teams can win anything in Scotland and he managed to lose the important trophy this season.  To add even more prestige to his job, the contract is also a rolling one.  Nothing says commitment like 'erm sure you can manage for another wee while'.  They might as well have him on a leash and make him live under the stairs.

Andre Villas-Boas to Chelsea

It is believed that Chelsea are soon to appoint Villas-Boas as their new manager.

AVB is the flavour of the week after becoming to youngest manager ever to win a European competition. Some would say (me) that winning the Portuguese league with FC Porto isn't really the greatest achievement. Considering how much better their squad is, compared to every other team in the league, I would expect even Paul Ince to win things. Fuck, even Paul Daniels would do a job. They also won the Europavision Cup Contest and the Portuguese Cup, scoring an outrageous amount of goals along the way. Credit where credit is due.

As expected, the press have gone down the "new special one" angle. Being that AVB has worked for Mourinho, he is also Portuguese, extremely young and has a swagger about him. That aside he really is nothing like Mourinho. He actually likes attacking football.

The best thing about the widespread media coverage of this story is that Porto are saying they haven't even been approached yet so it could all be nonsense. He does look like a sexy version of Murray Hewitt from Flight of the Conchords. This pleases me. I forgot to make this funny. Always next time I guess.

Birmingham want Chris Hughton as manager

Poor old Chris Hughton.  It wasn't long ago that he'd just won Newcastle's first trophy in 400 years in getting them promoted to the Premier League before being kicked in the balls and replaced by Alan fucking Pardew.

At least people want to employ him and at the moment Birmingham have the perfect opening.  The former Spurs player is number one choice for the shower of balls that Alex Mcleish left behind and his proven experience in gaining promotion for definite Premier League clubs is evident for all to see so it won't be long now before Hughton gets slapped in the face and replaced by Steve Mclaren once Birmingham are sitting happily in mid-table half way through a season.  I just can't tell whether he's actually any good at managing, it's really confusing.  On one hand he got Newcastle straight back in the Premiership but on the other he just doesn't seem like a manager should be.  In my defence I'm really tired and read the title on some website, doing absolutely no research into it so if this post looks like I'm just trying to fill space then it absolutely is exactly that.

Fraser Fyvie is off to Capital City

Everytime Aberdeen produce a player good enough to actually help the club progress we sell them and they lurk around the lower leagues of England.  Must stop using the term 'we' when trying to talk without bias about football.

Fulham have started talks over a £1 million deal for the most promising footballer Aberdeen has owned in the last 10 years and you can't help but live in despair for the state of Scottish football.  I doubt there is a single person in the world who would try and stop Fyvie going to the Premier League and if they did I'd imagine that the RSPCA would pay a visit to stop the inhumanity.  The retirement home of footballers (SPL) is so dreadful to watch that even season ticket holders can't be arsed going to most games.  Fyvie sat out most of last season through injury but if you haven't heard of him he's pretty good, is a midfielder and was a first team regular at the age of 17.  So yeh.  There you go.

Joey Barton to Arsenal?

My favourite rumour of the last little while is this new one about Arsene Wenger attempting to solve his team's complete lack of balls by signing Joey Barton from Newcastle.

Apparently Wenger has identified one of the weaknesses in his team being that none of them want to fight people and prefer to whinge at the referee so this signing would pretty much be a giant 'fuck-you' to anyone that forced them to capitulate in the last campaign.  Barton's a great player, pissed off with Newcastle and would definitely add an element of fear to Arsenal's terrifying midfield so what's not to like about it?  Putting him in North London might also inspire an adventure like 'Escape from New York' with Barton going around beating up all the ethnics he can outside McDonalds.  For £1.5 million Arsenal can sign one of England's most gifted midfielders at the prime point of his career and start a brand new movie series.  Get this deal done!

Everyone wants to buy Alexis Sanchez

Sometimes winger, sometimes striker Alexis Sanchez is so tremendously good at football that most of the top teams in Europe want him to play for them.

Chelsea, Man City, Man Utd, Arsenal, Juventus and Barcelona are just a few of the clubs that want to spend around £30 million to sign him so he's in quite a convenient situation in that he can name his price.  If I were him I'd be starting to assemble a list of demands like I was doing hostage negotiations:  a helicopter with eyes drawn on the front, my own personal KFC and a house with a room for me to keep penguins in.  That's all I wanted, Russian Embassy, but you failed to deilver.  All I really wanted was Jack Bauer's autograph but apparently that's just too difficult because he doesn't exist in real life.  I suppose you're going to tell me that Santa is fake too guys, but how do you explain the N64 I got 10 years ago when my Mum and Dad couldn't find in the shops like they said?!  Case closed.

Alex Mcleish has a £40 million WAR CHEST

Get ready for fun-times at Aston Villa because Alex Mcleish has been given a £40 million 'war chest' - whatever the fuck that might be - to spend on players to get the club rockin' and/or rollin'.

The Sunday Mirror has carried this story and don't seem to base it on any actual evidence or anything other than making it up by themselves but I threw up on myself last night so who I am to question their methods.  Mcleish's first task at Villa is to sell Ashley Young to Man Utd and then probably buy Cameron Jerome to make sure they have a 'big man upfront'.  I actually really like Mcleish and he was one of the best managers Scotland have had since I've been alive so he can get off lightly here despite the occasionally soul destroying football his teams tend to play.  Signing Marlon King on his last day at Birmingham is also akin to buying 1000 staplers for your office before buggering off so, as you can see, multiple FitbaThatba points have been awarded to him.  I think he has about 8 now so I better go and add these to the table.

Chelsea really want Modric

Chelsea, who still don't have a manager by the way, are intent on signing Luka Modric to the extent that they are going to just start throwing players in until Daniel Levy says yes.  The latest rumour is Michael Essien.

Apparently the Spurs chairman is 'absolutely furious' at Chelsea for unsettling the Croatian and, according to the News of the World, will 'tear up any written transfer request that he recieves'.  I can't help but feel it's important to point out that once you have signed a footballer on a legal contract, that player is legally obliged to play for your club, you don't actually have to sell them just because someone else has offered you money.  That's like me buying a bag of crisps and becoming enraged when my girlfriend asks me for one even though she offers me money for it.  I don't have to sell her the crisp and infact I'd rather just give her one of the smaller ones from the bag instead because I want the big one for myself.  She can be a real jerk sometimes.