Friday, 16 December 2011

Kieron Dyer is injured for the season. No, really

Believe it or not but Kieron Dyer is still trying to play football even though scientists have discovered that he was actually built out of discarded bits of ham and half used batteries.

image from the bbc
The mighty Dyer managed to play football for an incredible seven minutes this year, being paid probably around about the £30,000 a week mark to do so.  He's about as useful as tits on a fish.  In his comeback match on Thursday, a reserve game against Tottenham, some of the glue used to keep his legs attached to his body came loose and now he's set to miss the rest of the season, prompting most people to shrug and go 'why the fuck is he even bothering?'.  Neil Warnock told the Evening Standard:
'We are aware that Kieron’s contract can be terminated in January but having spoken to the chairman (Tony Fernandes) and the rest of the shareholders, we do want to support Kieron in this time, even though it may mean he is not in our 25-man squad for the rest of the season.
'I feel he has a lot to offer the club not just on the field of play but in every aspect. We will be involving him in many aspects of the club while he rehabilitates.
'Kieron is devastated. He has been to see a specialist and it is a very unusual injury. He will have an operation on Monday to rectify the problem.'
I assume when they mean 'specialist' they mean 'NASA laboratories' where they encase him in one of those giant man sized chambers they always have in movies and perform experiments.  "Is it human?" "God, I hope not", the scientists will say as they try to work out why someone has used the hamstrings of a duck to rebuild his running ability.  He's pretty much like if the six million dollar man project ran out of money and collectively they could only rustle up £5.40.  Either that or the main guy designing him got injured seven minutes into the operation.