So here we are. Staring 2012 directly in the face. If the Mayans are right then we all die quite soon but until then let's all enjoy the year of football we've just been through, because that's the most important thing of all. Quite a lot of stuff happened! Transfers, goals, corners, red cards, court injunctions, racism, Frimpong, Tevez, Hargreaves, Fabregas, Barcelona blah blah blah. You get the idea. What I'm trying to say is that this thing took fucking ages to write.
The year started as most years normally do with underpaid and overworked hospital staff looking after part-time holiday drinkers while footballers played too many games in too short a period of time. In Scotland every second game was abandoned because of snow or threat of wolf attack, be it from the woodland creature or the Gladiator, then rescheduled to a time when there was no snow or when it was realised that the wolf has long been extinct in Alba. Again, I refer to both.
In transfer-land everyone went mental and this theme continued throughout most football clubs during 2011. The first insane transfer involved ponytailed beer fan Andy Carroll when Alan Pardew announced that there was no way he was being sold and then he looked at his phone and saw a text saying "Andy Carroll has been sold...". It continued "... for £35million lol" and then everyone laughed.
The best thing about January and the subsequent months just after it was how much Chelsea signed Fernando Torres for. As it stands at the end of the year, the striker has scored 5 goals in 37 games. £50million well spent. Darren Mackie's stats are only slightly worse.
Some other boring stuff happened throughout February and then:
Wayne Rooney did that. Even Man City fans applauded that one, and it's probably the only Manchester United goal I haven't minded that they've scored.
FitbaThatba was officially born and no-one cared. We opened with a story about Neymar who just happened to become one of the most talented and most talked about players in world football that year. In a recent interview that I translated from his native Portuguese, he spoke of his love for everything we've ever done.
The other notable thing about March was the beginning of what would become 2011's predominant theme: racism. A German tourist threw a banana at a Brazilian player during a Scotland vs Brazil game but nobody knew that for like three days so they were all like "aw man Scotland is so racist" and then we were like "HAVE THAT YE CUNTS" and hung that little German bastard up to dry, reminding him of the war as we did it. Despite the largely unseen apology from Brazil for the accusation, a storm had begun to brew down South America way.
Another piece of relevant news in March was the beginning of The Madness of King Mario Balotelli as he threw darts at youth team players and was then filmed struggling to wear a bib. How the internet laughed! But how little did they know.
Real Madrid got their first ever victory over Barcelona in the Copa Del Ray final with Ronaldo scoring a headed winner to secure the trophy. Gerard Houllier was so shocked with the fact that anyone managed to beat the Catalans that he had a delicious heart attack and went to live in the hospital for a while. He didn't die so don't worry about that.
He did lose his job however because the players were really scared at his Darth Vader mask thing, and also they all hated him anyway. Hooray! To underline how incredibly shit Fernando Torres had become, we posted a story about him actually scoring a goal and his career practically sky rocketed over the moon and then burned up on re-entry, eventually crash landing in the middle of a field of cows.
Mario Balotelli notched up £27,000 in fines for leaving his car wherever the fuck he wanted to and was also questioned by police over carrying £25,000 in cash on his passenger seat. He replied to the interrogation with "because I'm rich".
Darron Gibson became one of the first of many footballers to stop using Twitter after his own Mum started calling him a bell end on the social network. In her defence, it's really hard not to try and annoy footballers on Twitter.
Kevin Davies left Twitter in May and I cried. I cried so much. WHY DID YOU DO IT, KEVIN DAVIES? Then I forgot all about Kevin Davies because Chelsea fired Carlo Ancelotti and that was really weird. The Italian manager didn't really do anything wrong and actually had the London club pretty close to victory in a few competitions, but close isn't good enough for Roman Abramovich, which is why he only watches the darkest of porn.
Speaking of porn, Carlos Tevez started showing signs of his true-self at Manchester City. The doctors had worked for years to make sure that their prized asset was contained and subdued, but the beast within would rapidly erupt into a glorious fuck-tard of a monster. That all gets better later in the year though.
Another part of May that was awesome was a thing called 'court super-injunctions', which isn't where they protect the identity of superheroes like I thought, but was in fact a cunning way for rich people to make the general public think they are really nice! Ryan Giggs, for example, was banging Imogen Thomas, and he didn't want anyone to know - especially his wife. She was the happiest of all the ladies in football land.
I can think of two reasons Ryan Giggs fell foul to this evil plot by women to rule the world, and our penises and they both begin with "beer" and "boredom" and his love for all things to do with the law. He fucking adores Ally McBeal. And tits.
Things didn't get too much better in the world of soccer and Kolo Toure was banned for eating 'diet pills' because he's such a fat bastard, and Paul Scholes retired because he couldn't be arsed anymore. In fairness to Kolo, the pressures of OK magazine to look super-hot just proved too much for him, especially when he lives like 5 minutes away from McDonalds, KFC and Burger King. Not even Jesus could resist such wondrous delights but Jesus didn't get banned for 6 months, and Toure did.
Ireland won something called the Carling Nations Cup which I had genuinely forgotten even happened until right now. It might not even be called that. Either way it was pointless and shit. I still hope we win it next time though, whenever it might be. Next May?
Barcelona destroyed Manchester United in the Champions League final which was great and prompted everyone in England to go "hmmmm maybe the Premiership isn't that good after all", seeing as how United destroyed everyone in their own country all season. The metaphorical hunter became the metaphorical raped and Sir Alex Ferguson's minions hid from Lionel Messi incase he came into their room and tried to do even more things they didn't know a human could.
2011 became the year that Lionel Messi confirmed his status as 'probably the best player ever' and in Sam Allardyce's mind as 'maybe quite good but I haven't seen him on a Tuesday night against Stoke so he's potentially not as good as El Hadj Diouf'.
Rangers won the SPL, Barca won La Liga, some teams got relegated and MOTD showed lots of closeups of ugly people crying in their local stadiums. Manchester United won their 19th league title knocking Liverpool off their 'perch', making glory hunters and the fickle public very happy. The season had ended!
Chelsea hired super-legend, 33 year old Andre Villas-Boas from Porto, who had just won the Europa League and enjoyed a league and cup double with the Portuguese club. The move was interesting as Chelsea pretty much paid a transfer fee for the handsome young man who was of course in no-way continually compared to Jose Mourinho every single time anyone talked about him.
Aston Villa got excited about the possibility of hiring a dashing, young, inspiring manager and so hired the exact opposite in the form of Alex McLeish. The fans went berserk because he was the manager of Birmingham and they are arch-rivals to Villa but what they forgot is that literally no-one outside of Birmingham gives two shits. I've been. It's fucking horrible.
Sam Allardyce took over the newly relegated West Ham United, marking the departure of sad, old Mr Toad from his Jewish grip over the club. Allardyce added some much needed smugness to East London but the best thing about it was that someone started an alter-ego on Twitter which 'Big Sam' labelled as scandalous.
There were some more managerial changes around the world with Chris Hughton getting a job and Inter Milan appointing 8 different people every week until they found the 'chosen one'. I have no idea who's in charge right now. It could honestly be the cleaner.
Cesc Fabregas and Barcelona started flirting and making late night calls to each other behind Arsene Wenger's back and Manchester United signed their future star goalkeeper David De Gea. Hearts employed a pedophile and then it was July.
Not much happened this month in football land, but behind the scenes a certain Canadian England international was training real hard and posting those videos on the internet. So I made this:
The SPL season began, meaning we could finally find out once and for all just which of the two Glasgow clubs would win everything this time. People like Terry Butcher started admitting that even they can't be arsed watching the games, even though it's their job.
Mario Balotelli got hauled off in a pre-season friendly for taking the piss out of LA Galaxy and Uruguay won the Copa America, which was nice. FIFA kept reminding us that they are inept by trying to delay the inclusion of video technology in the sport, El-Hadji Diouf was banned from Senegal and the World Cup Qualifying groups were picked out by a man in a fat suit pretending to be Ronaldo. What's that? There's no way that was Ronaldo. Really? Oh.
Cheating Turkish side Fenerbahce were banned from the Champions League for match fixing, which made the people in charge of the Greek leagues look over their shoulder. Then they just shrugged because they've been doing it for about 10 years and no-one's really said anything. Plus, who's going to do anything about it? FIFA? Some money should solve that problem!
Joey Barton entertained everyone on Twitter and had a bit of an argument with his employers at Newcastle a few times until they told him to fuck off. And fuck off he did, down the motorway to Queens Park Rangers, newly promoted to the Premier League.
Cesc Fabregas FINALLY moved to Barcelona and had a massive orgy with everyone except Carlos Puyol because no uglies were allowed and he went on to help his childhood team win the European Super Cup. Things were going really well for Arsenal back home as they also had to sell whinging lesbian Samir Nasri to Man City and then got pumped 8-2 by Manchester United, whose new look team terrified everyone except Roberto Mancini. Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley all helped in the destruction of SAF's great nemesis, but United's earlier business in the transfer window would prove to be the best and star of 2011 Phil Jones went on to become the best defender ever, according to anyone who writes for a newspaper.
Sammy Eto'o left a money shaped hole in Inter Milan's hearts as he went on a soul searching mission to Russia to play for bazillionaires Anzhi Makhachkala. As of this moment we're still not sure if he found what it was he was looking for, but if he hasn't I guess he can just buy it instead. Diego Forlan replaced the Cameroon star at the Italian giants and Sky Sports had their six monthly very exciting and over the top transfer deadline day which left us all asking the question, "why don't any of those people have jobs?". Some players were bought including our best friend Owen Hargreaves who moved to Manchester City, for the sole purpose of annoying opposition fans. Oh and John Arne Riise went to Fulham.
Fernando Torres made sure we all knew he was broken by rounding David De Gea and then missing an open goal, Luka Modric played begrudgingly for Spurs after being denied his dream move to anywhere that would pay him more money, and the Venky's started to feel the heat as Blackburn got off to a very unsurprising dreadful start to the season.
Ledley King was awesome.
Newcastle started the season on fire and quickly climbed to the top half of the table. Rather than getting a nosebleed, the Toon Army kept their form going throughout the rest of September and even through to the end of 2011, inspired almost exclusively by Demba Ba who is now regarded by many as the best striker of all time.
Jack Wilshere's pre-season injury turned out to be quite bad and he would miss the rest of the first half of the season, and some blonde girl got a job as Chief Executive of Mansfield by banging her boss. High five!
The biggest thing that happened in September was 'Carlos Tevez' and that stuff that happened with substitutions against Bayern Munich. Tevez was exiled to Man City's prison island where his best friend Roberto Mancini would occasionally come to visit/punch him in the face.
October started off well for Antonio Cassano who had a stroke, or something else bad like that but he's not dead yet so don't worry. A referee got really drunk in the Czech Republic and started sending people off because he could and because beer and because fuck you, that's why.
Mario Balotelli's brother and friends set off fireworks from his bathroom window resulting in £200,000 of damage to his house that had to have flames extinguished by a crew of fire trucks, but then he fronted a firework safety campaign so it was OK.
Wayne Rooney wrote a letter to UEFA to try and stop being banned for kicking someone in the leg:
Hearts stopped paying their players either because they don't have any money or Vladimir Romanov thinks it's funny and Robin van Persie showed the world that he's one of the best strikers ever by scoring a million goals.
John Terry allegedly called Anton Ferdinand a 'black cunt' during a game and Manchester City beat their neighbours 6-1. The match was the self confessed worst of SAF's career and the best bit was 'that' pass from David Silva.
Someone punched an owl mascot in the face and Titus Bramble was accused of drug and rapey related stuff by the police. But everyone kept talking about John Terry.
joke borrowed from South Park
Neil Lennon continued to be shit and Shola Ameobi probably did something that gives me an excuse to post this:
Meanwhile, Birmingham were playing games in Europe despite being in the Championship. Imagine that?!
The SPL continued to be awful while Ronaldo and Messi threatened to prove to all the believers that God isn't real by scoring an unholy amount of goals between them. Sone Aluko moved to Rangers, paying for it all himself because he is a jerk but only people from Aberdeen cared. Yeh. Erm. Soooo how about..... James McFadden?
Barry Bannan drove a car whilst pissed and crashed it but then drove away, everyone hated Steve Kean, Stan Collymore got all depressing on Twitter and started RTing some delicious bits of abuse sent to him by people all around the globe.
Some Togolese footballers were killed in a bus crash but you don't care do you? If I said a bus full of little white girls from London you'd be all like "awww that's so sad". I hate how racist you have become.
Speaking of brain damaged people, Damiano Tommasi set gay footballers back about 20 years by deciding that they shouldn't come out because it might be awkward for people. And by people I wish I could joke and say just him, but actually lots of people still don't like gays. I think they're great! This story kinda went under everyone's radar which is odd because he's the head of the Italian Player's Union.
Some other stuff also happened but November really sucked because Gary Speed killed himself and he was awesome.
The festive season approached and Santa delivered early by punting both Manchester clubs out of the Champions League and into the Europa League. It was great.
Barcelona won the Club World Cup in Japan and everyone received a trip to Aberdeen on a sort of safari where they are allowed to hunt those fucking buskers that can't even play instruments. Honestly one guy has an accordion and he just hits it until it makes a noise and people throw money in his pot, which he then spends on the gas bills in his house that HE LIVES IN. I like the guitar woman though. I think I've gone off topic but BANG here we go with a lovely bit of court case surrounding racism from Luis Suarez.
The Uruguayan was banned for 8 games for using a racial slur against Patrice Evra and then Liverpool came out in force to defend their employee/colleague despite a court ruling that what he did was racist. If he came from Saudi Arabia and told women to 'get back in the fucking shed where you belong' I'm pretty sure that's still sexist, even if it is cultural.
Speaking of racists, Sepp Blatter was doing amazing things up in FIFA HQ by saying that black people should just sort of 'get over' people being racist to them by shaking hands. It seems to work with my hundreds of slaves so if anything, at least Sepp Blatter has brought me closer to those guys.
Bolton kept being shit but not as shit as Blackburn Rovers who Steve Kean was still in charge of. And still is in charge of. Despite enduring what could be described as a 'little bit of abuse' by the Rovers supporters, Kean kept leading his team to certain death in every battle they faced.
Then it was Christmas!
And we all got presents and shit. Everyone except Gary Neville who is now the greatest football pundit on earth ever. Kudos to you Gary Neville.
And that was a poorly written review of football in 2011. I hope you enjoyed it. I should probably try and sum everything up with a HILARIOUS comment here but instead I think the brain and mouth of Sepp Blatter can do all the work for me. This one quote defines the whole year for me, have a lovely 2012 please FitbaThatba-ers. Oh and thanks for reading.
Sepp Blatter 2011: