Thursday, 29 December 2011

Alessandro Del Piero might move to the Premiership

I think anyone above the age of like 21 must have always wanted to see Del Piero play in the Premiership, especially after Gazetta Italia got canned.  Everyone loves that guy.  Just please New Year's Santa, don't make it Blackburn.  He doesn't deserve that.

Even though he's 37 he still doesn't want to retire, and rightly so seeing as he's one of Italy's greatest ever players.  Just... not Blackburn.  He's also been linked with QPR and has said (
I won't stop playing. There is just Juventus in my future for now. All that I am thinking about is this Serie A season and the Bianconeri.
"The hope is that we'll be able to do well in 2012 all of the things that we did well in 2011
Imagine if we saw the legendary Del Piero not playing for a massive club like Manchester United, City, Arsenal or Chelsea etc but instead managed by that balloon in charge of Blackburn Rovers, or in the same team as Wayne Routledge.  He should just stop before he undoes the brilliant legacy he's left up till now and they should have stopped making him play after the 13th season or so, but still The Simpsons keeps churning out terrible television and making money out of it, destroying the hard work of the brilliant writers that did so much during the early 90s.

I don't think Del Piero is particularly funny or anything, I mean he might be, but I don't want him to be shit like the Simpsons is now.  Do you remember what Robert Pires looked like for Villa last year?  It was like someone had stuck legs to the slowest turtle of all time.  Like Donatello had come out of the sewers, put on a wig, had a stroke and then tried to play football.

I think you get the idea.

Thiago Silva is ungrateful

Thiago Silva's wife threw him a totally awesome party but then he was all "I don't like nights-out or clubbing. My wife organised a party for my birthday, I didn't even want it."

The AC Milan and Brazil defender left the comments that guarantee him no sex forever in an interview with an Italian magazine/paper/something recently and the one good thing I took from it is that he doesn't like going to clubs.  I agree.  Clubs are fucking awful.  Imagine if I did up my living room, charged you £10 to get in, got one of my pals to play music that you hate but REALLY LOUD and filled the place with people that you never, ever, ever want to speak to and then made you wait for oh I dunno....20 minutes sometimes to buy a drink?  Add to that the fact that you have a wife/girlfriend/boyfriend and instantly clubs become the most pointless places ever.  And now I know Thiago Silva doesn't go to them I can cross that off my list of places I should stop stalking.  To be honest, I'm not sure he was ever likely to visit Liquid.  In Aberdeen.  

Anyway, somewhere in there is a football related story.  If you find it leave it in the comments below please thks k bai 11!!!111!1 xxxxxx

Djibril Cisse and Macheda go on a date

According to Twitter, the most reliable of sources, Djibril Cisse heard Macheda speak highly of him in a recent interview and because he likes it when people who aren't his mirror do this, he decided they should hang out and be friends.  

For libel reasons and because footballers hate gays, I should probably point out this wasn't actually a 'date'.  Unless it was, in which case, cool.  I'll let you decide!

Djibril phoned his pal Evra and got the Manchester United striker's number after comments left in an Italian magazine made him feel all awesome.  The two went for a lovely meal at some place in Manchester, since Serie A is currently on their very logical winter break thing and he has time to do those things.  I wasn't there but I'm pretty sure the conversation was about Cisse's favourite level and whether it was the one where you have to set fire to a weed farm, or whether he's going to be in the next game, because the joke I'm trying to make is that he looks like CJ from Grand Theft Auto and I'm too tired to try and make that work properly.  

Apparently in the new one you can go to the gym again and make your character all buff or whatever, because what could be a better way to spend your time than make a video game character do weights while you eat Pringles and wonder what sex is really like.

Just don't confuse killing prostitutes on the game with real life because in real life people genuinely mind and you have to do all this sneaking around and stuff.  I mean uuuuh... so I hear.

Steve Kean is super excited!

Steve Kean has been having a hard time lately because he's terrible at his job and everyone hates him.  Alex Ferguson has been on the phone though and gave some words of encouragement, so now Kean's like:

image from
The ex-Aberdeen legend phoned Kean to give some much needed support in this time of need and reminded him of how Jesus managed to pull Nottingham Forest out of an 8 game losing streak with just the power of his words.  Kean said (about the call) (BBC):
What was said I would rather keep private but it was very encouraging,"
"For him to take the time out to phone me and give me a message of support shows the stature of the man. I was really impressed.
To be honest, the call probably has had a great effect on him and is definitely more enjoyable for Kean than the sound of a penis slapping against the receiver and someone yelling 'IT'S SUPPER TIME' but if he mentions that anyone did that it wasn't me.

Maradona is fined

Maradona is mental so when I read that he got fined £1,600 for insulting another coach I got really excited. Then I read the story and it's probably the lamest insult of all time.

Maradona is the best footballer of all time and probably the best footballing character of all time. He's somehow still coaching in the UAE despite being absolutely terrible at the job. In a recent game against Al Ain, Maradona claimed that Al Ain's staff celebrated a goal in an unprofessional manner. After the game he said their coach Cosmin Olaroiu was "quite rude and should learn some manners." Maradona calling someone else unprofessional, if a pot spoke to a kettle it would probably call it black.

For someone of Maradona's reputation I thought this was extremely mild but I enjoyed Olaroiu's comeback-
"Maradona doesn't always have a clear mind because of his life. I don't take drugs. My life is clear. I don't do anything … Who is Maradona as a coach? He should respect his work and should never come to matches by wearing short pants."
For all you coke snorting, short wearers out there heed the words of Cosmin Olariou and sort your life out.

Stereophonics donate money to local team

Man you know what band I haven't heard anything about in a while?  The Stereophonics.  I wonder if they have any new albums or something they need to promote OH LOOK THEY'VE DONATED MONEY TO A LOCAL TEAM!  PUT THEM IN THE PAPER!

Cwmaman is the wee village that Kelly and Richard Jones hail from and they have agreed to donate a percentage of proceeds from their pre-xmas gigs to the local football team.  What's the percentage you ask?  I think it's just about enough to get some media interest.  And not a penny more!

The only reason I know Kelly and Richard Jones both come from that village is because I was obsessed with Stereophonics when I was like 13/14 and used to listen to Word Gets Around an awful lot, and that's fine cos that album was great.  Then it sort of went a bit... well... I don't listen to them much anymore.

Frontman Kelly used to play for Cwmaman at Junior level back in the day and was approached by the club to give them some money.  It's a tactic that hasn't worked for me as I stand outside Craig Brown's house throwing rocks at his window, while he cowers like a scared mole from Wind in the Willows.  I WANT SOME MONEY

Montpellier don't really 'get' transfers

Olivier Giroud is someone I had never heard of until the recent rumours about him possibly moving to Newcastle - but he's worth £42 million apparently.  Oh and he's 'too big' for Newcastle.  THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!  AM I RIGHT?!

Montpellier have decided for no plausible reason that Giroud is worth £42million since Arsenal might be interested.  This is what the manager said:
Newcastle? They are too small for him. 
‘Arsenal? We must see if Arsene Wenger  is interested because he has Van Persie. 
 ‘€10m? He won't go for that. 
‘Given that he still has more than two years left on his contract, he'll cost a lot more, either €50m (£41.7m) or €60m (£50m)
I think it's safe to say that he either hasn't ever heard of what money is, or grew up in a ridiculously rich family like Mr Burns was his Dad or something.  We asked him to get us a pint of milk while we were at the interview and he chucked us €4000, and as we laughed he then asked "what - is that not enough?  How much does that stuff cost?  It comes from fucking what?  Ha ha very good guys, everyone knows cows are extinct".

Roman Abramovich and Sheikh Mansour like to party

Andre Villas-Boas has been told by Roman Abramovich that no matter what happens this season his job will be safe next summer. I get the impression Abramovich doesn't really give a fuck anymore. He won't even be in London to watch Chelsea play Aston Villa, he's off to the Caribbean to party.

Whilst Chelsea fans are in the wind and rain at Stamford Bridge on the 31st, Abramovich will be living it up on St Barts in the Caribbean. He has his own estate where 300 guests will be pampered and "taken care of", whatever that means. It's either prostitutes or a bullet in the head and dumped in the ocean. Last drinks are 4am, after which guests will retire to a fleet of "super yachts", which are just like regular yachts but with the word super before them.

Ageing rockers the Red Hot Chili Peppers in perhaps the ultimate act of selling out, will be headlining the event and I can't think of anything more ridiculous than men in their 40's jumping around with their shirts off playing in front of 300 of the world's richest people.

Not to be outdone, Sheikh Mansour of Manchester City had a super awesome sweet sixteen for his niece. I remember when I turned 16, I think I got Jay Z's The Blueprint on CD.  Mansour's niece got Jay Z the human and Kanye West to perform at her party. She then started crying because she wanted Drake and her Ferrari was the wrong colour.

Rich people have good parties

For those of you un-Scottish, you're really missing out on a hoot and a holler at New Year's Eve parties!  So I wouldn't recommend going to Roman Abramovich's bash where he's booked the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, or definitely not to Sheikh Mansour's because he only got Jay-Z and Kanye.

from 'sea' whatever the fuck that means
In our parties you get Irn Bru, crisps, girls that would be hot if they hadn't eaten too many crisps and Irn Bru and usually someone that nobody really likes but comes anyway and then spoils the mood, but then you all get drunk and the next day you're like "that wasn't that great really".  Abramovich is apparently paying £5million for The Red Hot Chilli Peppers to throw themselves around the place, and he's forgetting this isn't Halloween because no-one wants to see some skin found in a hospital waste bin stretched around a skeleton, and far less people want to see that puppet show sing 'Californication'.  Music is subjective though I guess.

The Sheikh is actually not throwing a New Year's Eve bash and is doing it for his wee niece who turns 16. Also because Arabian people don't believe in New Year - it's lost all it's meaning!  Damn Capitalism.  Does no-one celebrate the sacred rhythm of Hip Hop artists in Britain anymore?!!  What is this country?! I want out!

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Balotelli news

Balotelli has been busy this Christmas. He inspired some god awful grime track by Tinchy Stryder, bought a round of drinks for everyone in a minky pub and donated £200 to Jesus at midnight mass.

The song contains the lyrics, "why always me, why always me (repeat).....Mario Balotelli". That is incredible, he rhymed me with Balotelli. Lyrical genius. Why do all these shit grime people spell their names incorrectly? Learn how to read and write kids, honestly it's quite useful in the real world. If you can't spell, at least use fucking spell check. Don't grow up idolising these dickheads.

Rumour has it Balotelli went to a horrible looking boozer called "the Tudor" on Christmas Eve. There he left £1,000 behind the bar so the locals could spend the rest of  Christmas Eve getting hammered rather than spend time with their family. That's what Christmas is all about.

After leaving the pub, off he went to St.Johns Church with his girlfriend for midnight mass and a bit of a sing song. Always a good time when you are half-cut. At the end of proceedings, Mario donated £200 to the church. So that's £1,000 to the local alcoholics and £200 to the church. Balotelli's Broken Britain.

Goalkeepers are mental

A cup game between Ajax and AZ Alkmaar is be replayed in it's entirety after the goalkeeper got sent off for kicking a fan.

The fan ran on and seemed to have a little jump and kick at the goalkeeper. It turns out this was really stupid idea. Remember all goalkeepers are mental, especially South American (Central American) ones. AZ's Costa Rican goalkeeper Esteban Alvarado went ape shit and repeatedly put the boot into the fan who had fallen over.

A red card was awarded to the goalkeeper, which seems like a fair thing to do. Although I'm not too sure what the rules are when it comes to kicking a fan. It's either a red card or an assault charge. What I don't understand is why they abandoned the game after the incident? It's almost as if they are saying, "we had to send you off but we appreciate your work".

The Dutch FA said it would be unreasonable to expect them to play on with 10 men. Therefore the game will be replayed behind closed doors, presumably for fear of the goalkeeper going on a John Rambo style rampage but without the heavy artillery. Instead of a machine gun, he will go charging through the stadium kicking the head off any Ajax fan that dares get in his way.


Northern Ireland have a new manager.

Nothern Ireland have appointed Michael O'Neill as the manager of their national team. I have absolute no idea who he is. It's definitely not this guy.

He's an actor. Maybe it's this guy?

I wish it was him. What about this nerd?

Nope, turns out it's actually the former manager of Shamrock Rovers. He looks like this. Although he comes after the other chaps on a google image search for "Michael O'Neill".

Michael O'Neill actually won 30 odd caps for Nothern Ireland and played for around 30 clubs. With grand footballing establishments such as Glentoran, Portland Timbers and even the mighty Aberdeen appearing on his CV.

He has even won the league in Ireland. I've been told they have a football league that combines rugby, football and fighting. You drink ten pints of guiness and then run around with a football. Hands, sticks, feet and any other utensil near by can be used to hit the ball into the goal.

Perhaps if you read a real newspaper or actually watch football you might know that he made history by becoming the first manager of a League of Ireland team to make the group stages of a European Competition. I did neither of these things so I read his Wikipedia page instead. Smart.

AVB says title bid is fucked

Chelsea haven't been amazing this year but that's because the players are all past their best and can't accept it, like a hot girl at school who ends up looking like an orangey leather faced slag in their 30s.

Because Fernando Torres is shit now, he hasn't been able to score any of the goals AVB would have liked and Chelsea have struggled to churn out points like they might have done in past years.  From The BBC:
"With City and United continuing to get the points they are getting, it'll be difficult.
"Maybe the Premier League is over for us at the moment."
The manager also denied he would have a budget of £140million to spend in January because the reporter just made that up on the spot.  "Is it true you're going to have like £80million to spend?" "no" "Oh I see so you're saying you're going to have £140million... I need to report this right now!"

That's honestly how half these places get this information.  They just take a wild stab in the dark and see what happens, which coincidentally is probably what Abramovich is going to do with Fernando Torres if he doesn't wise up soon.

Carlos Tevez will move to Spurs maybe

According to my sources, which up till now have been wrong 100% of the time, Carlos Tevez is set to move to Tottenham Hotspur in January.

This comes from the friend of a friend who knows some agent who knows stuff and Harry Redknapp has been all like 'we need to sign someone proper top drawer' or 'we need a MEGA signing' and so this would fit in quite well.  I bet absolutely everyone would be delighted to have this cunt in their team.  I heard that this Christmas he got bored of eating the turkey so he just picked up and smashed it over his wife's head, screaming "TURKEY VENGEANCE" while he did it, except probably in Spanish.  So like "EL TURKEY VENGANENCO" which I'm pretty sure is how I think they say that well known phrase there.


Gillingham winger Chris Whelpdale is famous right now because he split his ball sack open during a game.  And yes I think that probably was quite sore.

The 22 year old was playing on Boxing Day when the unusual injury fucked him up.  Just to make sure that he keeps calm and doesn't panic, his manager described it as:
[A] horrific injury... "It's absolutely disgusting. He's going to be very sore, and I'm sure his wife won't be too happy either
So that should be fine then.  I just have this vision of George Clooney and some other dude from ER running on the pitch and holding up one of those green vinyl things on the bottom half of his body and shouting "just don't look down man, it's gonna be OK" and Chris Whelpdale unable to prevent himself going into shock as he realises the only reason he became a footballer in the first place is under threat.  To bang sluts.

I haven't even found out how he did it yet but I don't think I want to know.  I've seen enough things on the internet to realise that this is not one of those things I should type into Google.

Luis Suarez is popular

Luis Suarez has admitted a misconduct charge for flipping the bird at Fulham fans and the FA are really happy because they like banning him.

image from
The Uruguayan has been fined £20,000 and banned for one match following the gesture, which he made whilst leaving the pitch against the London side in a recent match.  This will be added to the existing eight match ban that he earned for being racist.  Liverpool were also fined £20,000 for failing to control their players and I think what this means is we should be injecting microchips in player's heads so that we can control everything they do on and off the pitch.  It will be like a really awesome version of FIFA Be A Pro and GTA where people from Liverpool go around stealing cars, assaulting people and then racially abusing others, all in the name of fun.

Wait a minute....

Joey Barton has a child

Joey Barton was impregnated by Danny De Vito recently and has given birth to a human boy and I don't know why more parents don't teach their children sex education with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

Ho ho ho I'm only joking.  Joey Barton's partner Georgia McNeill gave birth yesterday and the pair named him Cassius, after the song by Foals.  And I know you're all wondering but I can confirm that his girlfriend or whatever is hot.  So kudos to you Joey Barton.  And naming a child after a fashion rock band or maybe boxing legend Mohammad Ali is quite cool because both those entities went through similar strife to achieve the global recognition they earned.  Foals actually had to borrow money from their parents once to get a haircut and Ali was just famous for punching people.  It's not as if that takes effort or anything.

Balloons is a good song.  FOOTBALL JOURNALISM

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

FitbaThatba Football Review of 2011

So here we are.  Staring 2012 directly in the face.  If the Mayans are right then we all die quite soon but until then let's all enjoy the year of football we've just been through, because that's the most important thing of all.  Quite a lot of stuff happened!  Transfers, goals, corners, red cards, court injunctions, racism, Frimpong, Tevez, Hargreaves, Fabregas, Barcelona blah blah blah.  You get the idea.  What I'm trying to say is that this thing took fucking ages to write.


The year started as most years normally do with underpaid and overworked hospital staff looking after part-time holiday drinkers while footballers played too many games in too short a period of time.  In Scotland every second game was abandoned because of snow or threat of wolf attack, be it from the woodland creature or the Gladiator, then rescheduled to a time when there was no snow or when it was realised that the wolf has long been extinct in Alba.  Again, I refer to both.  

In transfer-land everyone went mental and this theme continued throughout most football clubs during 2011.  The first insane transfer involved ponytailed beer fan Andy Carroll when Alan Pardew announced that there was no way he was being sold and then he looked at his phone and saw a text saying "Andy Carroll has been sold...".  It continued "... for £35million lol" and then everyone laughed.

The best thing about January and the subsequent months just after it was how much Chelsea signed Fernando Torres for.  As it stands at the end of the year, the striker has scored 5 goals in 37 games.  £50million well spent.  Darren Mackie's stats are only slightly worse.

Some other boring stuff happened throughout February and then:

Wayne Rooney did that.  Even Man City fans applauded that one, and it's probably the only Manchester United goal I haven't minded that they've scored.


FitbaThatba was officially born and no-one cared.  We opened with a story about Neymar who just happened to become one of the most talented and most talked about players in world football that year.  In a recent interview that I translated from his native Portuguese, he spoke of his love for everything we've ever done.

The other notable thing about March was the beginning of what would become 2011's predominant theme: racism.  A German tourist threw a banana at a Brazilian player during a Scotland vs Brazil game but nobody knew that for like three days so they were all like "aw man Scotland is so racist" and then we were like "HAVE THAT YE CUNTS" and hung that little German bastard up to dry, reminding him of the war as we did it.  Despite the largely unseen apology from Brazil for the accusation, a storm had begun to brew down South America way.

Another piece of relevant news in March was the beginning of The Madness of King Mario Balotelli as he threw darts at youth team players and was then filmed struggling to wear a bib.  How the internet laughed! But how little did they know.


Real Madrid got their first ever victory over Barcelona in the Copa Del Ray final with Ronaldo scoring a headed winner to secure the trophy.  Gerard Houllier was so shocked with the fact that anyone managed to beat the Catalans that he had a delicious heart attack and went to live in the hospital for a while.  He didn't die so don't worry about that.

He did lose his job however because the players were really scared at his Darth Vader mask thing, and also they all hated him anyway.  Hooray!  To underline how incredibly shit Fernando Torres had become, we posted a story about him actually scoring a goal and his career practically sky rocketed over the moon and then burned up on re-entry, eventually crash landing in the middle of a field of cows.

Mario Balotelli notched up £27,000 in fines for leaving his car wherever the fuck he wanted to and was also questioned by police over carrying £25,000 in cash on his passenger seat.  He replied to the interrogation with "because I'm rich".

Darron Gibson became one of the first of many footballers to stop using Twitter after his own Mum started calling him a bell end on the social network.  In her defence, it's really hard not to try and annoy footballers on Twitter.

A man invaded the pitch on a wheelchair, Fulham built a statue of Michael Jackson for no apparent reason and a footballer kicked an owl and then it was May.


Kevin Davies left Twitter in May and I cried.  I cried so much.  WHY DID YOU DO IT, KEVIN DAVIES?  Then I forgot all about Kevin Davies because Chelsea fired Carlo Ancelotti and that was really weird.  The Italian manager didn't really do anything wrong and actually had the London club pretty close to victory in a few competitions, but close isn't good enough for Roman Abramovich, which is why he only watches the darkest of porn.  

Speaking of porn, Carlos Tevez started showing signs of his true-self at Manchester City.  The doctors had worked for years to make sure that their prized asset was contained and subdued, but the beast within would rapidly erupt into a glorious fuck-tard of a monster.  That all gets better later in the year though.

Another part of May that was awesome was a thing called 'court super-injunctions', which isn't where they protect the identity of superheroes like I thought, but was in fact a cunning way for rich people to make the general public think they are really nice!  Ryan Giggs, for example, was banging Imogen Thomas, and he didn't want anyone to know - especially his wife.  She was the happiest of all the ladies in football land.

I can think of two reasons Ryan Giggs fell foul to this evil plot by women to rule the world, and our penises and they both begin with "beer" and "boredom" and his love for all things to do with the law.  He fucking adores Ally McBeal.  And tits.

FIFA started to show how evil and corrupt they really are by having the only potential rival to Sepp Blatter investigated for bribery and then selling the World Cup to Qatar.  

Things didn't get too much better in the world of soccer and Kolo Toure was banned for eating 'diet pills' because he's such a fat bastard, and Paul Scholes retired because he couldn't be arsed anymore.  In fairness to Kolo, the pressures of OK magazine to look super-hot just proved too much for him, especially when he lives like 5 minutes away from McDonalds, KFC and Burger King.  Not even Jesus could resist such wondrous delights but Jesus didn't get banned for 6 months, and Toure did.

Ireland won something called the Carling Nations Cup which I had genuinely forgotten even happened until right now.  It might not even be called that.  Either way it was pointless and shit.  I still hope we win it next time though, whenever it might be.  Next May?

Barcelona destroyed Manchester United in the Champions League final which was great and prompted everyone in England to go "hmmmm maybe the Premiership isn't that good after all", seeing as how United destroyed everyone in their own country all season.  The metaphorical hunter became the metaphorical raped and Sir Alex Ferguson's minions hid from Lionel Messi incase he came into their room and tried to do even more things they didn't know a human could.

2011 became the year that Lionel Messi confirmed his status as 'probably the best player ever' and in Sam Allardyce's mind as 'maybe quite good but I haven't seen him on a Tuesday night against Stoke so he's potentially not as good as El Hadj Diouf'.

Rangers won the SPL, Barca won La Liga, some teams got relegated and MOTD showed lots of closeups of ugly people crying in their local stadiums.  Manchester United won their 19th league title knocking Liverpool off their 'perch', making glory hunters and the fickle public very happy.  The season had ended!


Chelsea hired super-legend, 33 year old Andre Villas-Boas from Porto, who had just won the Europa League and enjoyed a league and cup double with the Portuguese club.  The move was interesting as Chelsea pretty much paid a transfer fee for the handsome young man who was of course in no-way continually compared to Jose Mourinho every single time anyone talked about him.

Aston Villa got excited about the possibility of hiring a dashing, young, inspiring manager and so hired the exact opposite in the form of Alex McLeish.  The fans went berserk because he was the manager of Birmingham and they are arch-rivals to Villa but what they forgot is that literally no-one outside of Birmingham gives two shits.  I've been.  It's fucking horrible.

Sam Allardyce took over the newly relegated West Ham United, marking the departure of sad, old Mr Toad from his Jewish grip over the club.  Allardyce added some much needed smugness to East London but the best thing about it was that someone started an alter-ego on Twitter which 'Big Sam' labelled as scandalous.

There were some more managerial changes around the world with Chris Hughton getting a job and Inter Milan appointing 8 different people every week until they found the 'chosen one'.  I have no idea who's in charge right now.  It could honestly be the cleaner.

Cesc Fabregas and Barcelona started flirting and making late night calls to each other behind Arsene Wenger's back and Manchester United signed their future star goalkeeper David De Gea.  Hearts employed a pedophile and then it was July.


Not much happened this month in football land, but behind the scenes a certain Canadian England international was training real hard and posting those videos on the internet.  So I made this:

The SPL season began, meaning we could finally find out once and for all just which of the two Glasgow clubs would win everything this time.  People like Terry Butcher started admitting that even they can't be arsed watching the games, even though it's their job.

Mario Balotelli got hauled off in a pre-season friendly for taking the piss out of LA Galaxy and Uruguay won the Copa America, which was nice.  FIFA kept reminding us that they are inept by trying to delay the inclusion of video technology in the sport, El-Hadji Diouf was banned from Senegal and the World Cup Qualifying groups were picked out by a man in a fat suit pretending to be Ronaldo.  What's that?  There's no way that was Ronaldo.  Really?  Oh.


Cheating Turkish side Fenerbahce were banned from the Champions League for match fixing, which made the people in charge of the Greek leagues look over their shoulder.  Then they just shrugged because they've been doing it for about 10 years and no-one's really said anything.  Plus, who's going to do anything about it?  FIFA?  Some money should solve that problem!

Joey Barton entertained everyone on Twitter and had a bit of an argument with his employers at Newcastle a few times until they told him to fuck off.  And fuck off he did, down the motorway to Queens Park Rangers, newly promoted to the Premier League.  

Cesc Fabregas FINALLY moved to Barcelona and had a massive orgy with everyone except Carlos Puyol because no uglies were allowed and he went on to help his childhood team win the European Super Cup.  Things were going really well for Arsenal back home as they also had to sell whinging lesbian Samir Nasri to Man City and then got pumped 8-2 by Manchester United, whose new look team terrified everyone except Roberto Mancini.  Ashley Young, Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley all helped in the destruction of SAF's great nemesis, but United's earlier business in the transfer window would prove to be the best and star of 2011 Phil Jones went on to become the best defender ever, according to anyone who writes for a newspaper.

Sammy Eto'o left a money shaped hole in Inter Milan's hearts as he went on a soul searching mission to Russia to play for bazillionaires Anzhi Makhachkala.  As of this moment we're still not sure if he found what it was he was looking for, but if he hasn't I guess he can just buy it instead.  Diego Forlan replaced the Cameroon star at the Italian giants and Sky Sports had their six monthly very exciting and over the top transfer deadline day which left us all asking the question, "why don't any of those people have jobs?".  Some players were bought including our best friend Owen Hargreaves who moved to Manchester City, for the sole purpose of annoying opposition fans.  Oh and John Arne Riise went to Fulham.


Fernando Torres made sure we all knew he was broken by rounding David De Gea and then missing an open goal, Luka Modric played begrudgingly for Spurs after being denied his dream move to anywhere that would pay him more money, and the Venky's started to feel the heat as Blackburn got off to a very unsurprising dreadful start to the season.  

Some utter spastics started to question whether Arsene Wenger should be removed from his position as Arsenal manager because the Gunners weren't winning all the games, Inter Milan fired another manager and Owen Hargreaves scored a goal!

Ledley King was awesome.

Newcastle started the season on fire and quickly climbed to the top half of the table.  Rather than getting a nosebleed, the Toon Army kept their form going throughout the rest of September and even through to the end of 2011, inspired almost exclusively by Demba Ba who is now regarded by many as the best striker of all time.

Jack Wilshere's pre-season injury turned out to be quite bad and he would miss the rest of the first half of the season, and some blonde girl got a job as Chief Executive of Mansfield by banging her boss.  High five!

The biggest thing that happened in September was 'Carlos Tevez' and that stuff that happened with substitutions against Bayern Munich.  Tevez was exiled to Man City's prison island where his best friend Roberto Mancini would occasionally come to visit/punch him in the face.


October started off well for Antonio Cassano who had a stroke, or something else bad like that but he's not dead yet so don't worry.  A referee got really drunk in the Czech Republic and started sending people off because he could and because beer and because fuck you, that's why.

Mario Balotelli's brother and friends set off fireworks from his bathroom window resulting in £200,000 of damage to his house that had to have flames extinguished by a crew of fire trucks, but then he fronted a firework safety campaign so it was OK.

Wayne Rooney wrote a letter to UEFA to try and stop being banned for kicking someone in the leg:

Hearts stopped paying their players either because they don't have any money or Vladimir Romanov thinks it's funny and Robin van Persie showed the world that he's one of the best strikers ever by scoring a million goals.

John Terry allegedly called Anton Ferdinand a 'black cunt' during a game and Manchester City beat their neighbours 6-1.  The match was the self confessed worst of SAF's career and the best bit was 'that' pass from David Silva.

Someone punched an owl mascot in the face and Titus Bramble was accused of drug and rapey related stuff by the police.  But everyone kept talking about John Terry.

joke borrowed from South Park
Neil Lennon continued to be shit and Shola Ameobi probably did something that gives me an excuse to post this:

Meanwhile, Birmingham were playing games in Europe despite being in the Championship.  Imagine that?!


The SPL continued to be awful while Ronaldo and Messi threatened to prove to all the believers that God isn't real by scoring an unholy amount of goals between them.  Sone Aluko moved to Rangers, paying for it all himself because he is a jerk but only people from Aberdeen cared.  Yeh.  Erm.  Soooo how about..... James McFadden?

Barry Bannan drove a car whilst pissed and crashed it but then drove away, everyone hated Steve Kean, Stan Collymore got all depressing on Twitter and started RTing some delicious bits of abuse sent to him by people all around the globe.

Some Togolese footballers were killed in a bus crash but you don't care do you?  If I said a bus full of little white girls from London you'd be all like "awww that's so sad".  I hate how racist you have become.

Speaking of brain damaged people, Damiano Tommasi set gay footballers back about 20 years by deciding that they shouldn't come out because it might be awkward for people.  And by people I wish I could joke and say just him, but actually lots of people still don't like gays.  I think they're great!  This story kinda went under everyone's radar which is odd because he's the head of the Italian Player's Union.

Some other stuff also happened but November really sucked because Gary Speed killed himself and he was awesome.


The festive season approached and Santa delivered early by punting both Manchester clubs out of the Champions League and into the Europa League.  It was great.

Barcelona won the Club World Cup in Japan and everyone received a trip to Aberdeen on a sort of safari where they are allowed to hunt those fucking buskers that can't even play instruments.  Honestly one guy has an accordion and he just hits it until it makes a noise and people throw money in his pot, which he then spends on the gas bills in his house that HE LIVES IN.  I like the guitar woman though.  I think I've gone off topic but BANG here we go with a lovely bit of court case surrounding racism from Luis Suarez.

The Uruguayan was banned for 8 games for using a racial slur against Patrice Evra and then Liverpool came out in force to defend their employee/colleague despite a court ruling that what he did was racist.  If he came from Saudi Arabia and told women to 'get back in the fucking shed where you belong' I'm pretty sure that's still sexist, even if it is cultural.  

Speaking of racists, Sepp Blatter was doing amazing things up in FIFA HQ by saying that black people should just sort of 'get over' people being racist to them by shaking hands.  It seems to work with my hundreds of slaves so if anything, at least Sepp Blatter has brought me closer to those guys.

Bolton kept being shit but not as shit as Blackburn Rovers who Steve Kean was still in charge of.  And still is in charge of.  Despite enduring what could be described as a 'little bit of abuse' by the Rovers supporters, Kean kept leading his team to certain death in every battle they faced.

Then it was Christmas!

And we all got presents and shit.  Everyone except Gary Neville who is now the greatest football pundit on earth ever.  Kudos to you Gary Neville.

And that was a poorly written review of football in 2011.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I should probably try and sum everything up with a HILARIOUS comment here but instead I think the brain and mouth of Sepp Blatter can do all the work for me.  This one quote defines the whole year for me, have a lovely 2012 please FitbaThatba-ers.  Oh and thanks for reading.

Sepp Blatter 2011:

"Crisis? What is a crisis? We're not in a crisis ... I am FIFA president, you cannot question me."

Love from FitbaThatba.