Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Damiano Tommasi hates gay people

Former Italy international and Italian players union chief has made my brain hurt today by deciding that gay players shouldn't come out because it makes it really inconvenient for everyone else.

In an incredibly ill-thought comment on homosexuality in football, especially considering he is head of the players union, Tommasi said this:
"Homosexuality is still a taboo in football in the sense that there is a different kind of cohabitation to other professions," Tommasi was quoted as saying by AFP.

"Coming out's to be discouraged. The fact of being identified or singled out as 'the one who is', regardless of your profession, whether journalist, footballer or politician, I don't think it would be an advisable path to take.

"Expressing your personal sexuality is difficult in every professional environment, and even more so for a footballer, who shares a changing room with his team-mates, and hence also his intimacy with others.

"In our world it could cause embarrassment. In a sport in which you get undressed it could cause an extra difficulty in cohabitation."
So what I've taken from this is that Tommasi feels a bit insecure when he's getting changed after football incase someone is gay and looks at his penis.  I don't like getting naked in front of dudes either, and also don't really enjoy having to urinate whilst standing side by side with another guy (why is that normal?) but it's not because I'm scared they are gay, it's because I don't like other people.  Normally anti-gay insecurity stems from a repressed feeling the hater has themselves like in American Beauty so what I think he's really trying to do is tell us that he's gay.  So let's all congratulate Tommasi on finally coming out!  I think it's great.

Arsenal fans really like Samir Nasri

Man City beat Arsenal 1-0 in the Carling Cup last night and money-hoarding, cheese-eating, surrender monkey Samir Nasri played the whole match and loved every minute.  If by loved every minute you mean 'wanted to escape as fast as he could'.

At one point Samir even thought he was getting the chance to be substituted and escape the constant abuse he was receiving from the home support.  Look how happy is to be on the pitch in that video, isn't it lovely?  To make things even better, The Frimpong took exception to his former team mate and they had an "argument" in the tunnel.  To us normal folks that's obviously lame, but in Nasri-land that amount of confrontation forced his penis to shrivel back inside his body like a turtle in front of fire.  In fairness I wouldn't mess with The Frimpong incase he claimed me as his own and I had to live in his cave forever.  That's definitely the worst of my recurring dreams.

Steve Bruce still isn't sacked yet

Even though we announced he had fucked off a few days ago based on nothing but speculation and an impatient desire to make people visit this site, Steve Bruce has selfishly continued turning up for work as normal.

Gary Bennett, whoever he might be, has said that he fears Sunderland's manager may have annoyed the fans so much with his constant failures as manager that they may never know what it is to love him again.  Poor old Steve.  Gary Bennett was described as a "Sunderland legend" in the article I read and I don't even know who he is.  He also has the most uncool black name I've ever heard.  It sounds like he should be managing a cheese factory or reading a magazine about the economy, not actually be cool, like my friend Sepp Blatter assures me all black people are.  I actually have no idea if Gary Bennett is cool or not and I don't why he's getting such a hard time on here today.  Sorry Gary.  I think what we should all take away from this is that I just don't know what's going on in general much at all.

Eden Hazard is cheap

Eden Hazard is widely regarded as one of Europe's "hottest" new talents and will probably move to a bigger club in January or the summer or something.  But if any of those clubs interested bid a pound less than £43 million he's going nowhere.

According to his club he will definitely be moving but it just depends where because money is very important.  Arsenal have wanted to sign him for years but since Wenger refuses to spend stupid amounts of cash it hasn't happened yet.  Inter Milan on the other hand don't give a flying fuck.  "£43 million you say?  Here's a £45 million note, keep the change" and then they laugh all the way to the bank, as is my understanding of that saying.  Don't laugh all the way to the bank, folks.  What if the bank tellers see you laughing on your own for no reason and freeze your account because you might be mental?  See?  These are the things we should be teaching in schools.

Newcastle want Scott Brown

There is absolutely no reason to play in the SPL if you are a good footballer unless you are either 17 and learning your trade, or 40 and making some easy cash out of moronic Glaswegian supporters.  Scott Brown is neither of these and seems to have worked this out.

Newcastle currently lead the race to sign Celtic's captain, who despite looking like he grew up in a bin is actually a very good player.  I'm sure he must have been born to a human mother but he does bare a markable resemblance to something you might imagine to see on the wing of an aeroplane, or like his house is built from skulls, brooms and other things he found in the forest next to it.  The midfielder should be available for about £1.5 million in January because Celtic don't want to lose him for nothing, and Newcastle will like this because it means they don't have to spend any real money.  So there you go.

Steve Kean is good at managing

Steve Kean is just having the time of his life at the moment and I'm glad he's not affected by the negative supporters who have been demanding he be fired.  That definitely wouldn't affect you.  Especially when you lose to teams in the division below you, like he managed last night.

Cardiff beat Blackburn 2-0, outplaying them in the process, and before you say "yeh but it's the Carling Cup - no one even tries", you'd be completely right because brilliant Steve Kean decided to forfeit the match, to make sure they can win their next few league games.  That's right, he's planned the whole thing.  What a fucking genius!  Blackburn Rovers are now five games without a win, a large amount of their supporters hate the manager because he's shit and the only way this team won't get relegated is if Gandalf the wizard turns up and does some magic or everyone else dies.  Get that man a new contract, stat!

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Blackburn sign New Zealand "wonder kid"

As we have established, Gregory Peck and Powers Boothe are the two most manly names anyone on the planet has ever had, but Blackburn have decided to up the ante by bringing Tim Payne, New Zealand's footballing future (apparently) across to England.

image from the lancashire telegraph
My biggest hope is that one day this 18 year old becomes the captain of Blackburn Rovers so he will be referred to as Captain Payne, which would be the most awesomest of names ever.  Can you imagine?!  Think of the puns he could make when he puts in a massive challenge!  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.  But then I am CAPTAIN PAYNE".

Actually I think that's about all the puns I have right now and now I think about it, that's not even a pun.  I've let you down.  Here comes the Payne?  Hmmm.  I'll work on it.

South Korean boy wants to be Bath City manager

Bath City are a great and mighty team with a deep, rich footballing history so no wonder 17 year old Won Jae Yang wants to be their manager.  And I mean he reeeeeeally wants to be their manager, and told them so in over 100 emails.

borrowed from which you should go and read
The South Korean has outlined his plans to start the revolution at Bath City and has criticised some of the current manager's tactics and player choices.  Since I only barely knew that Bath had a football team I have no idea whether he knows what he's talking about, but there's a chance and this sounds a bit like a Disney movie, so here are some of the emails he sent them.  Which they published on their website.
Hello. My name is Won Jae Yang from Korea. The reason why I am sending you an e-mail is because I want to be Bath City’ Manager. On its last game, I believe that that the Bath City’ played well but has not 1played to its full potential. The current ranking shows you that. Honestly, I do not understand Manager, His tactic fluctuates harshly. He does not satisfy Bath City’s passion.
There's heaps more but they are really long.  Here's another:
if I thought it was impossible for the Bath City, I would not even bother to send you this e-mail. I know we can do it. Please call for us and reply through this e-mail. Thank you very much.
And this:
The right side side immediately before and remainder collapsing also is insecure. But unconditional 4-4- 20,000 there is not many sides development which adheres. With new tactical system also means becomes the help in the different developmental 10,002 team. Replying, wishes.
To be honest, he's probably quite good at Football Manager and most of you reading this probably also think you could do a job in charge of a professional team, don't you?  And as you sit back and sort of go, "yeh you're right I probably couldn't do that", actually in the back of your head you will always 'know' that if you were the Aberdeen manager you'd get them into Europe somehow.  I'm actually quite inspired by this story, I think it's fucking great that he's trying to get a job like this!  Someone hire him please.  He could probably get Aberdeen into Europe somehow.

Eduardo might run out of money

Former Arsenal forward Eduardo has a dick head of a former agent who is currently trying to take away all of his money because he is 'owed it'.

The Brazil born but Croatia playing striker hasn't had quite the career he maybe should have seeing as Martin Taylor very inconveniently snapped his leg in half some time ago.  I seem to remember this happened thanks to a bad tackle, not that Taylor broke his bones in order to eat the rest of Eduardo before retreating back to his home underneath a bridge.  My memory isn't what it used to be though so I'll let you or history decide.

The purpose of this story however is that Eduardo's agent is now hitting him where it really hurts - his penis.  I mean wallet.  Wallet.  Eduardo has until the end of the month to prevent a court order in Zagreb freezing his bank account and owes between £600,000 and £900,000, which shockingly he doesn't just have lying around the place.  The agent claims that an agreement between the two states that he is due 20% of any wage Eduardo earns, which sounds like the shittiest contract term I have ever heard of.  "Do you want me to ask that club if they still want to sign you?  Yeh?  OK cool I phoned them and now I need half a million pounds".

The underlying problem here is that Eduardo didn't speak any Croatian at the time he signed a contract written in Croatian.  So, really, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.  Which is ironic because that was almost literally the case a few years ago.  Nah that's not funny.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Pablo Osvaldo punches his own team-mate

Pablo Osvaldo has been fined and suspended by AS Roma after punching team-mate Erik Lamela. Presumably because they were arguing over who turns into the better player on Football Manager. It's Lamela.

Roma lost 2-0 to Udinese and Osvaldo went ape shit after Lamela refused to pass to him during the game. To be fair to Lamela, Osvaldo looks like a massive bell-end so I can sympathise. In the dressing room after the game Pablo said "hey Erik, why you no a passa the ball to me huh?", in a shit 60's British comedy Italian accent. Then he twatted him in the face.

Pablo has been fined £43,000 and suspended for one game. That is the maximum amount that he could be fined and is probably close to one weeks wages which I'm sure will really sting.  At the request of his team-mates he will be allowed to train with the first-team squad. Which is the equivalent of giving him a massive high-five so perhaps we can decipher that it's actually Lamela who is the massive bell-end.

Nothing will ever top the Kieron Dyer Vs Lee Bowyer fight on the pitch. The Bowyer rage face was one of the funniest things I've ever seen and I've seen Lenny Henry do stand up.

Sorry I can't even joke about that. Lenny Henry is fucking horrendous.

Mancini is a rapist

Not Roberto Mancini of course but the Brazilian Mancini with the really odd-shaped head. He has been jailed for two years and eight months after being found guilty of rape.

Mancini was on loan at AC Milan from Inter Milan in one of those typically weird Italian loan moves that seem really dodgy. He went to a party hosted by Ronaldinho back in December last year. Here he met a young Brazilian girl and we can only speculate as to what happened next but whatever happened was clearly not consensual.

The evidence must have been overwhelming for Mancini to be convicted. A footballer is in the papers pretty much every week these days being accused of a sexual assault but very rarely do they ever go to court, let alone get convicted. I imagine this is in no way a result of the millions of pounds they have to throw at any potential problem that comes their way.

Mancini, unfortunately for him but fortunately for the rest of us who don't go around raping girls, is not a good enough or famous enough sportsman to get away with such a crime (see Kobe Bryan -allegedly). I remember Mancini scoring some great goals for Roma and Inter, unfortunately for him the next time he scores it will be in the showers.

QPR use Twitter to scout players

Twitter is great. Its primary use is to make fun of "celebrities" and try to spread lies around the world. QPR admitted they will use Twitter to look at potential signings in January.  I have already recommended Darren Mackie.

Rather than having professional scouts going around the world and watching players, QPR's owner Tony Fernandes has asked QPR fans to recommend players and submit videos from YouTube. This idea is full proof. Film yourself scoring lots of goals and skinning your mates at the park, edit out the five hours of complete shitness, lay a terrible R'n'B track or one of those nonsense dubstep/grime songs that everyone seems to love these days over the top of it and BOOM! A trial with QPR.

They are also looking to build a new stadium, despite not being able to sell out their current 20,000-seater stadium. I don't understand QPR, who supports them? Did they used to be successful or something? Am I supposed to care about them? Are those my feet?

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Steve Bruce to leave Sunderland

UPDATE: may have jumped the gun on this one slightly, but bookies have all stopped taking bets soooooooooo.

Steve Bruce has either been binned by Sunderland or 'left by mutual consent' according to the rumour mill that is 'the internet'.  Tomorrow morning there will be confirmation by a reputable source but until then let's all say BYE BYE STEVE

image from the
Steve Bruce has spent the last few years of his career plunging millions of £££ on absolute shite.  He is the managerial equivalent of Jack and the beanstalk, where upon being trusted with tens and tens of millions of hard earned cash to invest on top quality players to ensure Sunderland's survival and growth in England's top league, he returns with magic beans and John O'Shea.  By magic beans I of course mean a bean, which is not magic, and by that I mean Wes Brown who looks like a bean.  David Moyes has spent 50 pence on his entire midfield since he started and they compete for the UEFA cup still.

I just discovered that Steve Bruce has published three novels: "Sweeper!",  "Defender!", and Striker, all of which I assume are shit.  They are a lot better than Alan Shearer's novel 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's bone' which was just full of inappropriate jokes about sex and thoroughly immature.

This news hasn't been broken yet because Gary Speed went and died, upsetting all of us in the process.  The Sunderland bosses decided not to announce it since Gary Speed is actually important and Steve Bruce might as well have been controlled by a spider for the last two years for all the good it's done Sunderland.  Also they want people to realise just how awful he truly is at buying players.

I'm going to sleep.  Here's a video about Gary Speed.

American Samoa get first ever win

American Samoa are the worst football team ever, excluding my old under-15s side, but they finally won their first ever game only the other day!  Unlike my old under-15s side.

I think I know why this tiny nation might not be great at football.  Look at that.  Above.  That's the fucking wikipedia picture for the place.  Why would you go and play football when you can just sort of wander around and look at stuff like that?  I suppose you might get bored after a while because I know I do after a few days of nothing but beaches and more beaches.  Sure, I have an overpriced beer and the girls are all half naked but you aren't allowed to touch them.  It really ruins the holiday when I can't just do whatever I want because my inconsiderate girlfriend gets annoyed at trivial things.  It's not as if I'm trying to take them home with me.

Actually I am.  Oh yeh and well done American Samoa for beating some team 2-1.  Party on.

Dude dressed as Ronaldinho posts video of himself wanking, Ronaldinho not pleased

Some dude posted a video of himself masturbating whilst dressed as Ronaldinho and this has pissed the real Ronaldinho off.  I don't understand why any of those things should have happened.

Some really weird Indian newspaper has been running this story and this is a quote stolen from it:
Ronaldinho has asked police to investigate an apparent sex video showing him pleasuring himself.
The 31-year-old Brazilian forward has claimed that the footage of him in just a baseball cap is a fake, and said that it is offensive and in bad taste.
The former Barcelona striker has vowed to punish the culprits.
“Those responsible will be punished,”
There are a few things I don't understand about this story.  First of all, why would anyone post a video of themselves wanking on the internet?  No-one wants to see that.  No girls will fall in love with you, none will begin furiously frigging themselves and just no.  No.  Why would you do that?  Secondly, 'dressed up as Ronaldinho' would imply to me that he was wearing a Brazil shirt, or a Barcelona shirt or something that has some sort of association with the great one other than having a similar general skin colour and face.  But no, this guy is just ugly and shirtless.  I want to point out at this stage that I have not seen the video in question, but only this tiny thumbnail above which you have also now seen.  And I definitely wasn't looking for brazilian porn when I came across the article.  huh huh huh 'came across'.

The worst thing for Ronaldinho is that he started complaining about the video and so everyone went and checked it out, rather than just not saying anything and no-one ever hearing about it.  I can think of very few things I'd less rather watch than Ronaldinho ejaculating over his own giant teeth.  I think it's an actual nightmare of mine.

Ronaldinho would like to be paid please

Ronaldinho is getting pretty pissed off at Flamengo, the club he plays for, not his loveable avian sidekick, because he hasn't been paid for four months.

His brother and agent are the same person and has pointed out that the Brazilian forward is getting pretty fucked off with having to constantly borrow money from those guys on the TV that lend money before payday at 2500% apr.  That is correct, that is what they charge.  Apparently Ronaldinho might move to Greece where they have lots of money because only poor people pay tax and who needs taxes anyway?  Someone else will pay them, retard.  Perhaps Ronaldinho will help fuel a sudden economic growth with all the money he'll have to pay for his handsome tax.

Tony Pulis wants football to be more like tennis. Or rugby.

Tired of not being able to contest awful refereeing decisions during your team's Premier League matches?  Annoyed that you aren't allowed to play monsters instead of humans in your starting 11?  Tony Pulis is.  You should go for coffee or a sandwich or something.

Apparently he has 'devised' a system that allows managers to demand one decision per half be reviewed instantly by referees.  Stolen straight from tennis where you actually get three challenges (possibly), Pulis thinks this system could revolutionise football in much the same way that getting Rory Delap to hurl footballs across a pitch has and I think he might be on to something.  The questioned decision would be replayed on the big TV and 'build excitement' like in, yep, "rugby".

You only get one chance with this idea though so you have to be really sure and not just like pushing pause every two seconds like Arsene Wenger would.  He would be an absolute cunt to play against at FIFA.

Manchester City are busy

I watched Liverpool Vs Man City earlier, it was the first time I've seen them this season and thought they were very lucky not to lose. Naturally they just need to buy Van Persie and Cavani, then sell twenty players. Done.

Kompany shouldered the ball into the top corner. Not even Dirk Kuyt's retarded Superman impression could do anything to prevent them going 1-0 down. Joleon Alien-Head Lescott scored an own goal to get Liverpool back in the game. Balotelli rolled back the clock, came off the bench, did fuck all and then got sent off.

Anyway Man City held on but they were rather fortunate, Joe Hart making a series of good saves to keep them in the game.  Struggling to find anything to take the piss out of today, I trawled through the internet forest and found a few articles about City and their upcoming transfer activities.

In order to get in line with UEFA's new money laws, City would have to sell twenty players to balance the books. Their wage bill is a measly £174m which is considerably higher than their turnover. Therefore lots of players need to get the chop. They have 23 players out on loan, that's fucking ridiculous.

Tevez will be off to AC Milan providing he can prove he is not completely mental. Clearly that won't happen so he will probably just head home to Argentina to live in the forest with his children and eat rabbits or something. If you believe the tabloids, which I definitely do not do as they are utter nonsense. Filled with lies, written by morons for morons, dribbling over nip slips and wanking over blurred images from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Anyway the papers claim that City will go for Cavani and Van Persie.

I don't know why I don't believe this. They could easily afford them, they could buy the moon if they wanted. Why don't they build a theme park or something? I'd rather go and ride a roller coaster than watch Gareth Barry every week.

Iñigo Martínez: Monster

What's better than scoring from your own half? Well doing it again off the underside of the bar bitches!

Iñigo Martínez of Real Sociedad scored from his own half against Real Betis last night. Better than that, it was to win the game in injury time. I don't really know anything about him but the Guardian tells me that he is a defender. A fucking centre-back according to wikipedia. Nonsense. Here is the goal.

In a day of all round shitness and misery, it's nice to remember why we love football. Here is another goal from the same man. I thought it was the best goal ever until I realised it was an own goal.

Here is another amazing goal from the weekend because I can't be arsed typing anything. Happy Sunday X

All hail Secret Agent Aluko

Hooray for secret agent Sone Aluko who today helped Kilmarnock beat Rangers 1-0 whilst sneakily wearing a Rangers shirt!

Because he wanted to make his "dream move" the Nigerian international effectively paid his own fee or something.  To be honest I don't care but I am just delighted that he managed to play Manuel Pascali onside for Kilmarnock to score against Rangers because if there's one thing I enjoy, it's when either of the Old Firm lose.  If there's one thing I enjoy more than that it's when Rangers lose and little weasels who used to play for Aberdeen are at fault for the goal.  If only anyone cared about the SPL.

So well done Sone Aluko, I'll send you a beer in the post somehow.  They must have technology for that by now.

RIP Gary Speed and Togo players

Togo footballers killed in bus crash

A bus caught fire and plunged into a ravine, killing six people in Togo yesterday.  "What's new about that?" I hear you ask.  Well, some footballers were also on board.  I really hope every story we report isn't about dead people today.

here's a picture of where Togo is, because you didn't know before, did you?
Some of the survivors have spoken about the frankly terrifying ordeal and have admitted they have no idea how they are still alive today.  Togolese television showed pictures of the smouldering ruins of the bus, caused by a tyre exploding during its journey and tbh I can't really imagine what that must have been like other than thinking about Michael Bay films but also making myself feel sad instead of semi-excited.  I don't think anyone would really begrudge the Togo team just never playing football again seeing how two years ago some of the squad were murdered in a terrorist attack, and in 2007 a helicopter carrying Togolese fans and their Sports Minister crashed, killing everyone on board.  I think that would be OK.  Someone should probably go and find Emmanuel Adebayor seeing as he's almost certainly alone in his room shaking back and forth right now.

No more stories about dead people now, this place has become too morbid.  RIP Togo players and Gary Speed.

Gary Speed is deed

Gary Speed, the manager of Wales and absolute football legend, was found dead this morning at the age of 42.

I'm genuinely really, really gutted and shocked about this because I fucking love Gary Speed, and to make it even worse, the former Newcastle, Leeds, Everton, Bolton and Sheffield United man was found hanging himself.  Like we've mentioned before, although we make fun of almost everything on here, depression is actually a very serious illness and though admittedly we are jumping the gun by even suggesting that this is might be what drove him to it, it's yet another reminder to look out for the people you care about at this time of year.  The Wales manager leaves behind two children and I think it's safe to say about 40 billion devastated football fans, including you and me.  I'm actually very sad about this.

I just really hope he wasn't trying to wank.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Rangers take Indian players on trial

Good old Rangers are in a spot of bother with tax bills and what-not, so who better to fill up their squad than a couple of Indian players that might possibly be good enough for the SPL.  I base that on the fact they have played football more than once and are human.

stolen straight from the BBC. Sorry.
Sunil Chhetri and Jeje Lalpekhlua are both over in Glasgow just now having a trial to see if they might cut it at the 'highest level'.  One of, or possibly both of them have broken into the Indian national football team so you'd expect them to be quite good but then again this is the Indian national football team, and they are trying to break in to the SPL - a league of such a poor standard that a town with a population of 80 people managed to break in and compete until it ran out of money only a few years ago.

Also: Darren Mackie

If the two boys don't quite live up to the standard at least they could just open a takeaway shop in Glasgow but to be honest I think you're really racist for thinking that.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Stan Collymore is depressed

Depression is in the football news at the moment, especially after that German referee tried to kill himself - something that not even I would try to make many jokes about. Collymore has been all over twitter saying he's depressed again, making me feel slightly guilty. Selfish.

When not battering Ulrika Johnson, Collymore has also battled with depression his whole life.  The difference between the two is that now he can tell us all about it on twitter.

I have to admit that I frequently have a go at Collymore on twitter. Every time he says something about racism or another player I always respond with "yeah but what's worse, that or beating up your girlfriend?". Childish? Yes. Idiotic? Yes. He laid some dark imagery on us -
"If, like me, you've been there many times before, know this.. It's bloody dark but the clouds ALWAYS lift, so do everything you can to help yourself through, open up to help and the fog will lift."
As dark as Ulrika's bruises? Oh no I've done it again. It is a good thing that Collymore is telling other sufferers of depression to seek help. It's a good thing that he is using his privileged position to try and raise awareness of the problem. However I can't really sympathise with him too much. You can't blame assaulting your girlfriend and cheating on your wife numerous times with strangers in car parks, in what is known as dogging to you porn noobs, on depression. No that just makes you a bad person. No wonder he's depressed after that realisation.

Tevez to AC Milan? Sure, why not?

Carlos Tevez is going to leave Manchester City. His whore of an agent Kia Joorabchian says he might sign for AC Milan. He might not. Who knows?  He doesn't really care as long as he gets £10m from any deal done.

The other day Tevez missed his family so decided to fly back to Argentina to see them. He didn't actually tell anyone at Man City he was doing this and royally pissed off Roberto Mancini. Imagine how pissed off Mancini was when he discovered that Tevez actually just went home to play golf and dress like a twat.

It's nailed on that Tevez is out the door in January, they don't care about losing money on him. Losing £40m to the Man City owners is the equivalent of me dropping 5p down the side of my car seat. Like fuck I'm going to be arsed searching among the chewing gum wrappers and fruit pastels to find it again.

I don't think AC Milan have said anything about signing him but it would make sense. They already have Robinho, Ibrahimovic and Cassano. They might as well sign another difficult striker with a history of being a massive bell-end.

Barry Bannan: Idiot

Barrn Bannan is a pretty good young player. He's also a fucking idiot and has been banned from driving for 18 months.

If you think that Bannan looks like a typical wee Scottish radge, that's because he is a typical wee Scottish radge. Double B has admitted four offences; drink-driving, failing to stop after a road accident, driving without due care and attention  and best of all driving on a provisional license.

He's admitted he's guilty so he can't sue us, which suits me perfectly. Bannan said he felt alright so decided that driving without a license after four or five beers was totally cool and in no way illegal. Unable to handle the tricky bends of the M1, he crashed into the central reservation, spun the car and then pulled into the hard shoulder. Whilst trying to regain his composure, he spotted a motorway worker using his phone. On the assumption that he was calling the police, Bannan shat himself and drove through fields until he got to a taxi office. It was here that he got arrested.

The whole thing sounds like a scene from a really shit stoner film. If it was a stoner film, Bannan would have ended up shagging a really hot chick and finally getting that elusive cheeseburger he had gone all round the city searching for. In reality he ended up with a £4,500 fine, a drink-driving rehabilitation course, a reduced driving ban of a year and everyone knowing him as 'that drink-driving twat'.

Beckham, Bale and Ramsey for Ian Beale's Team GB

Great Britain's Olympic football soccer team manager Stuart Pearce, pictured below, has decided that he wants David Beckham, Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey and a partridge in a pear tree haHAHA AH AHH AHAA H AHAH AH AHA

The ex-England international wants these three players and since they've all spoken about almost nothing else for the past eight years, they'll probably get to play.  You are only allowed three over-23 year olds in your squad for the Olympics and I can't help but wonder why he doesn't just call up Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard and literally anyone else in the England team instead.  In fact, lets make a mockery of this over-23 rule and get Bobby Charlton to play, or Peter Shilton.  Some people have suggested that we could control Stanley Matthews like a skeleton puppet but I think that's inappropriate.

Peter Frampton is new Hibs boss

Pat Fenlon has been announced as the new Hibernian manager.  That's it.

image from BBC
The 42 year old human man has left his job at Bohemians in Ireland to take over the SPL GIANTS Hibernian and will immediately set to town on eradicating all the nonsense that Colin Calderwood did in his time there.  I get the impression that rather than working on establishing a competitive football team, Calderwood just changed the paintings on the wall to ones of his own face, and hired hot receptionists so that he could pretend to be really busy all of the time.  "Mr Calderwood, the groundsman is here to see you" "Ohhhh I can't possibly manage now", he would say whilst trying to figure out if was possible to make a twix pointy in a pencil sharpening machine.  It doesn't work by the way.  Not at all.

Anderson injured until February

Manchester United cuddly toy Anderson has done something to his knee and won't play until February.  I knew you'd be devastated so I'm trying to break the news softly.

Anderson has been injured for a little while now and even though I hadn't noticed, and really don't care, I've been weeping all afternoon, dreaming for just a glimpse of his silky skills again.  I will never grow tired of watching someone lay a ball off to Anderson and then observing the magic of the moment as he tries to kick it as far away from where he is as he possibly can, like it's a spongy grenade.  Speaking of spongy grenades I'm pretty sure that's what he has instead of a brain.  One day foam is just gonna start firing out of his ears, nose and mouth and we can stuff him and recycle his empty body as a very scary children's teddy bear.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Ashley Cole and Sam Allardyce to feature in Danny Dyer movie

If you asked me for three people I would like to put in a car and then watch it fall into a volcano, I would name Ashley Cole, Sam Allardyce and Danny Dyer.  So lucky for me they are all going to be in a film together!

We already know what kind of movie it will be since Danny Dyer is incapable of playing any part other than 'cheeky cockney that thinks it is hard' and in this movie it's reported he'll be playing a cheeky cockney football agent.  That thinks it is hard.  Adding Ashley Cole and Allardyce to the mix is a way to bring some 'authenticity to the film', because showing a repressed homosexual and an arrogant pie eating machine is the kind of cinematic trope that has propelled British cinema to the forefront of everyone's attention.  Our only hope is that Roman Polanski directs it and does the same thing to them that he did to that girl.  And by that I mean provide free haribo all day long.  What a nice guy.

I don't actually dislike them that much, it's just sometimes the internet makes me try to act all cool.  I'm just trying to impress you guys.  Like with my well researched information about stories like this.  The film is rumoured to be called 'Billy ball face gets punched in his stupid face by a shower of cunts'.  It's being distributed by Disney.

The mighty Nicklas Bendtner might have to stay at Sunderland

As we all know, Nicklas Bendtner is the best, and therefore the most under-rated footballer in the history of the world.  What?  You didn't know that yet?

Tired of his talents being forever wasted on Arsenal's substitute bench, Bendtner decided he'd go and help Sunderland out.  He told 'Journal Live' this:
“I have not ruled out staying here, but I have not spoken so much about it.
“I just want to enjoy the year I have here and then see what happens in the summer.
“I have never hidden the fact I am very keen to play in the Champions League again, but I also read I had said if I do not play in the Champions League I will not be playing for Sunderland. But then, that is how they do it. They always misinterpret Danish into English.
Sure, he could have moved to Barcelona or Bayern Munich last summer but he chose the North East shanty town because he's just cool like that.  OK?  Now, however, he might actually end up staying there after all - not because he can't get a job anywhere else or anything.  No no no.  Because uhhh.... because Sunderland is a really big club and I have a feeling they are really going places this year.  Big places.  I heard a rumour Steve Bruce is taking everyone to the zoo next week.  The fucking zoo, man!  Why would you want to leave?  The Champions League is over-rated anyway.

Kaka to Chelsea?

Kaka used to be the greatest player on the planet but is now about halfway on the mountainous come-down to 'good international playmaker' that he seems to be on.  Never fear, sweet Kaka, for Chelsea are here to save you!

He only moved to Madrid from AC Milan two years ago for £59million, which let me remind you is quite a lot of money, but since Jose Mourinho's appointment as boss of the Spanish giants he's spent more time warming the bench than he, or any of us might have liked.  Available for around £30 million, Chelsea could immediately add him to their list of players who are just sort of slightly almost too old to be great anymore but you still play them anyway because you remember the good old days.  It's like watching new episodes of The Simpsons nowadays - it's absolutely terrible but you just love those old ones so much that you keep watching, cos surely some of it must be good!  And occasionally there are lines that make you go 'hehe' but you never sit and think "this is amazing" and by the end of the episode you think about all the things you could have done in that last half an hour.  My life is really exciting sometimes.

Premier League to use goal-line technology next season

As Sepp Blatter's ivory tower starts to show cracks, the rest of the mortal world has been wondering why we still don't use video technology in football.

Everyone thought FIFA were just sort of waiting for some high profile incidents to justify the requirement for a technology more prevalent in today's society than wearing a watch.  Then there were about eight of them and they said "oh I'm still just not quite sure yet".  There are TVs in the toilets of pubs now and managers on the sidelines have iPads and things like that with the game streaming on it yet still we have to rely on the human eyes and brain - my television has never lied to me but I can assure you my eyes and brain have gotten many things wrong in past.

The general secretary of the FA has now said some stuff about nine different types of technology being tried out, it's probably very interesting and you can read it here, but for the love of god, can we please just watch a 5 second replay when we aren't sure of what's gone on.  "was that a goal" "no, it was a handball" "oh ok then, free kick".  There, that's it.  That's all they have to do.  The only time cameras become a hindrance in reviewing past incidents is when it affects you negatively, which is why I commit all my murders at night, so they can't see me.  I'm fairly sure that's how these things work.

Brad Friedel is immortal

Brad Friedel has announced plans to continue playing long after his current age of 983 years because he can.

I'm only joking, he's actually only 40 but this still makes him over double the age of some of the players in Spurs' squad.  If it wasn't his job you'd say something was weird about a 40 year old dude hanging out with teenage boys but it is, so everything's safe.  If it were teenage girls he were hanging around with on the other hand, then you'd probably have a few more questions for old Brad here.  Questions of an inquisitive manner.  Like "do boobs look hot in real life?" and "what is sex with a person like?" and many other questions that of course I already know the answer to.

So anyway.   Awkward.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Roberto Di Matteo wants out

I used to have a friend that worked in a swimming pool as a lifeguard and one day this guy about ten years younger than him got employed as his boss.  Anyway, one day his boss started drowning in the pool because it turns out he'd conned his way into the job and my friend just sort of left him for a while.  On a completely unrelated note, Roberto Di Matteo has hinted he may want to leave Chelsea.

According to some rumours, Di Matteo has become pretty fed up being second in command and wants to go back to being a sub-par manager himself, regularly reminiscing about that time he managed West Ham that I had forgotten about.  I feel bad for AVB getting a hard time because he's clearly a very talented manager, and Di Matteo wasn't even his first choice as his assistant, so perhaps with someone less boring at his side, Chelsea might have fared slightly better in these last few games.  If I was asked who to suggest as the next assistant I would probably say Colonel Sanders.  That man not only knows how to run a business, but how to steal recipes from his slaves and that is the greatest gift of all.

Also none of my friends have ever worked in a swimming pool, I made that up.  I'm not poor.

The tale of Mario Gotze and Arsenal

"Wonderkid" Mario Gotze doesn't have any special powers that you'd normally associate with what is effectively a superhero child's moniker, but he is quite good at football.  He also won't be moving in January, say his club Borussia Dortmund.

Most of us first heard of Borussia Dortmund when Paul Lambert played in the side that won the Champions League in the mid 90s, but they seem to be in papers a lot more now because this guy Gotze is going to move somewhere else, probably Arsenal, all the time.  It must be annoying to constantly try and establish yourself as a powerful world brand but continually find yourself condemned to be a stepping stone to somewhere better.  I feel like I've heard that somewhere before and my therapist did say that occasionally I block out things that girls have said to me in the past.  Wait, did I say therapist?  Uhh I meant fuck buddy.  Cos I'm cool like that.

Celtic sign a defender: Good idea

Celtic have confirmed the signing of Swedish defender Mikael Lustig. Yup I've never heard of him either.

Turns out they actually signed Joe Dirt. Lustig has 24 caps for Sweden at the age of 23. Or is 24 and has 23 caps. Either way, he looks like a massive retard. Which means he will fit in nicely in Celtic's back four.  You know you aren't doing very well when fans are longing for a return to the glory days of McManus and Caldwell.

Celtic's defense is just absolutely dreadful. Just look at the players names and you can tell they are gash; El Kaddouri - wank, Majstorovic - asbolute wank, Cha Du-Ri - pretty wank, Matthews - complete wank, Mulgrew - lanky wank. Celtic are playing players that bad every week and still find themselves 2nd in the table. Then again players like Darren Mackie would struggle to score against a back four that was made up of   *generic four-piece boy band*

He reckons he could have signed for Fulham or Espanyol but his style of play is better suited for the SPL. I was actually asked to sign for Barcelona when I was younger but decided my style was better suited for smoking weed and playing Pro Evo.

Sone Aluko is a dick

Sone Aluko left Aberdeen to move closer to his spiritual home in Birmingham and thankfully now he has found it.  In Glasgow, next to the bins.

Escaping the rot of the SPL was a good move for the Nigeria international but moving to Rangers just makes him lose all his FitbaThatba points due to the fact we are bitter and selfish.  It's like when Figo moved from Barcelona to Real Madrid, except imagine if Figo was Nigerian, in a wheel chair and played for Aberdeen instead.  Because he left for free in the Summer and is only 22, the Dons have asserted that they are due some compensation in the general area of £200,000 since they 'nurtured his talent'.  As someone who grew up in Aberdeen I can only assume this means 'taught him how to drink so much he shits himself mid-afternoon in a pub filled with the lost hopes and dreams of several generations of fat, balding men, barely able to write a legible sentence, let alone raise children capable of contributing anything useful to the world'.

So really he did quite well to escape and Rangers are a much bigger club, debt or no debt.  So fair play to you Sone Aluko.

Adebayor: Consummate Professional

Adebayor has had a successful loan spell so far at Spurs. He's playing well, scoring goals and seems to be less of a bell-end. They are 4th in the table and have made their best start ever to a Premier League campaign. You'd think he'd be desperate for a move. Then you remember this is Adebayor and he's a money grabbing twat.

Adebayor is earning around £170,000 a week and he is not willing to take a pay cut in order to make his move permanent. A charitable man is Adebayor, giving away lots of money to help people in that massive country Africa. "I'm from Africa and I have to give something back to my community". How much you ask? I have no fucking idea. It's probably one of those sponsor a kid for £1 a week things.

I like Roberto Mancini, he doesn't like dicks. Tevez is a dick and Adebayor is a dick. That is why he hates both of them and sent them to train with the reserves. Now with Spurs and working under Harry Redknapp, Ade has rediscovered his love for the game. From the sounds of things training at Spurs is like that of an amateur team. Everyone just fucks around and practices their free kicks whilst Redknapp sits in a poorly ventilated room and enjoys the smell of his own farts. 

Portsmouth's owner has done something bad

A Europe wide arrest warrant has been issued for Portsmouth FC owner Vladimir Antonov as part of an investigating into asset stripping, which you'll be disappointed to learn as I was, has nothing to do with prostitutes.

In a statement we have stolen from the BBC:

Both former managers of the bank Snoras have been recognised as suspects with regard to misappropriation of property on a large scale and forgery of documents.
"R. Baranauskas is also suspected of fraudulent accounting and abuse of authority.
"Prosecutor General Mr D Valys signed European arrest warrants issued against these persons.
So apparently Snoras is a bank and this guy owns 68% of that bank and he did a whole bunch of bad stuff. I'm not going to lie, I have absolutely no interest in any of the "crimes" he may or may not have committed because I barely understand what it is they are talking about in that article.  All I know is that surely someone must have realised he was an evil genius before now. Vladimir Antonov.  Really?  He might as well have changed his name to 'James Bond arch-enemy' for all the good it would have done him.

Wilshere makes a bet with Spurs fans

Sticking with the gambling theme, Jack Wilshere has been on twitter saying that if Spurs finish above Arsenal, at the end of the season he will give £3,000 to charity.

We haven't seen much of Jack Wilshere recently. He is still away filming on location in New Zealand for the upcoming Hobbit film but Wenger hopes he will return from Hobbiton soon. In between recording, Wilshere spends his free time on Twitter, talking to nerds and avoiding replying to any of my insights or insults.

After their casual stroll to victory over Aston Villa the other night, Spurs find themselves three points above Arsenal with a game in hand and a better team on paper. Their fans have been giving it the Billy Big-Bollocks on Twitter prompting Wilshere to make the bet. "It's a marathon, not a sprint!", let's not forget. Thanks to Jack for reminding us.

I'll go one better than Wilshere. If Wenger can get through one post match without using the phrase "I didn't see it" in response to his side giving a penalty away or getting a red card, then I will stop calling him a stupid owl cunt and give all my money to charity. Technically I don't have any money and live off my overdraft so I'm not sure how that works but let's not get bogged down with the technicalities, this is for the kids. 

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

The Mother of all Accumulators

A 41 year old man from Malta won a 19-game accumulator at the weekend. He scooped £585,000. What a dick.

The man placed his bet with William Hill online and a William Hill spokesman said that never had a human being, animal, insect or alien ever won such a ridiculously massive coupon. Liverpool to beat Chelsea was the last game he needed to come in. Imagine how mental he must have gone when Glen Johnson scored in the 87th minute? Fuck I went ballistic on Saturday when I won £100. I hope he follows my lead and banks £20, then wisely investing the rest on awful bets whilst half-cut.

I had a friend at uni who actually got addicted to gambling. He spent thousands in the end and had to be bailed out by his Mum and Dad. What a fag. He also looked like Barry Chuckle from the Chuckle Brothers but as far as I know he didn't touch up small children like Barry and Paul may or may not have done.

Andre Villas-takes-his-fine-like-a-Boas

Andre Villas-Boas has been fined a mighty £12,000 for comments made after Chelsea were hilariously beaten 1-0 by QPR.

I'd be pretty pissed off too if I was manager of Chelsea and lost to Queens Park Rangers. Villas-Boas had  go at referee Chris Foy after the game because he sent off Bosingwa, Drogba and gave QPR a penalty. That and his general all round awfulness in the game.

After the game he slammed Foy against a wall by his throat, ripped Foy's whistle off from round his neck and blew it really hard, right in his face. He admitted to being aggressive to Foy and said, "I don't care if he's OK or not". Well Chris wasn't OK. Doctors took hours to remove the whistle from his colon and said he may never have full control of his bowels again.

AVB didn't even bother to plead his case. He was too busy contemplating suicide after watching video recordings of Chelsea's defending against Liverpool.

James Vaughan gets racist-ed

The internet is fucking brilliant.  Most of the good things I have achieved in my life have had a lot to do with it, and I'd like to think that since I'm a well educated mid-twenties man, I have an appreciation for its proper place in society.  Unlike most of the retards in the world.

So some dick-head decided to send racist tweets to James Vaughan, who didn't notice, but some of his fans did, and now that guy has been reported to the police.  I don't understand why you'd send racist things to footballers on Twitter - just because a computer screen is there does not mean you are allowed to bully and discriminate against people, and especially if you are fifteen, fat and brain-dead.  These people should not only be banned from the internet, but put in a cannon and fired at the sun.  I mean those tweeting, not the black people.  Those guys can stay.  Vaughan had this to say in reply to a question from a Leicester player about who had done the racism:
"Dunno pal just some loser giving it cos he feels like a big man on the computer."
I'm so sick of these guys using the internet and thinking that they can say whatever they want about anyone.  It's as if just because they run an absurdly popular football blog they think they can say whatever they want and break copyright laws.

Meanwhile Sepp Blatter tries desperately to remove the smoke trail from one of his many Twitter accounts.

Flying umbrella ruins la liga game

Just as Spain were coming terms with the potential catastrophes of their national debt and the collapse of the Euro, flying umbrellas have started appearing everywhere and fucking things up.  Now it's even started ruining football games.

Granada and Real Mallorca had their game abandoned because an umbrella that some wee boy was holding got 'out of control' and caused a deep cut to one of the assistant referee's face.  Shocked by the fear that the invasion had begun, the referee immediately cancelled the match and dragged everyone down the tunnel.  Granada were winning 2-1 until the 70th minute in which the game got abandoned.  The BBC says this:
"I don't know what decisions will be taken because I haven't had time to think about it yet," said Gonzalez.
"I know that we have, in a very short time, a lot of games between now and Christmas, including the two-legged Copa Del Rey tie against Real Sociedad, and I don't know if there is any week when we could play those minutes."
So there you go, that's what happens when you live in Spain.  Fear of umbrella attacks. It cripples me with terror to even think about it.  All we have in Scotland is knife crime and AIDS.

Disabled man is Middlesbrough scout

Gary Parkinson played over 450 games in his career but will be disappointed to learn that I had never heard of him until today.  He will also probably be slightly more disappointed, but not surprised to learn that unfortunately he is completely paralysed.  It's not all bad because he's a football scout!

Gary suffered a stroke when he was manager of youth development at Blackpool and don't worry, I'm not going to try and make any jokes about that.  I'm not a complete asshole all of the time.  Because of his condition Gary can only respond to questions and react to things by blinking and someone recording this answer so his wife shows him videos of promising youngsters and he recommends the outstanding ones to Middlesbrough boss Tony Mowbray.  It's actually a really nice story but marred only slightly by how difficult it is to order him a drink in a nightclub when they put the strobes on.

Thierry Henry is still sexy

Thierry Henry's season is over in the MLS and to keep fit he's decided to crawl back to his friends at Arsenal to train and show them some va va boom.  Wenger says there's no room at the inn.

The mad owl could do well to sign up a player of Henry's calibre despite his now 34 years of age, but since his squad is "full to the brim" he won't be bringing the forward on loan during the American close season.  The entire of Arsenal's first team is said to be relieved since this means that they still get to play.  All except Robin van Persie, of course, who might as well start his own football team at this rate.  He could go to work and demand that they rebrand the stadium with a picture of his balls and they'd have to do it.  But when I go and do it it's a "disciplinary matter".  Van Persie is a real dick sometimes.

Thou shall not expand the SPL

Poor Scotland, our league's pish, everyone's skint, we live in perpetual twilight (not the teenage girl kind) and now it's confirmed that the SPL will not be expanded.

A television deal has been struck with Sky and ESPN that is worth £80m. It runs until the end of the 2016-2017 season and ensures that the league will not expand as they want to keep the four Old Firm games a season. They generate numerous ££££££ and that's what it's all about. Don't worry about the dwindling numbers of fans actually going to watch the games, the undeniable decline in quality of the product and the fact that we haven't qualified for a major tournament since 1998.

To be honest, I'm most concerned about the fact that these games are being shown on national television. Other people will be able to see just how shit we really are, I wish we could just hide away on BBC2 Scotland or STV, no fucker will find us there.

In other news, there are fresh rumours that Leicester will come back and bid £7.5m for Rangers' Jelavic in January which would have to be accepted as Rangers' are soon to be crippled by a massive tax bill. Or so the tabloids keep telling me in between the problem pages of men talking about their wives leaving them for horses and horoscopes. "Your kindness and good manners could pay off today." They also could not. I'll stick to being an asshole.