Monday, 24 October 2011

Man Utd tie down Javier Hernandez

Alex Ferguson is understandably raging with his team after watching them get destroyed by Manchester City. According to the Guardian, as a punishment Javier Hernandez is to be tied down until the end of the 2015-2016 season.

I chose the above photograph because he looks like a confused-lesbian-owl. Perhaps he just heard the news that he was to be tied down and bummed by Gary Neville for five years to think about what he did. Of course this joke is thin at best so I'll move on. Hernandez has signed a new five-year contract with Manchester United to show that he is fully committed to the club.

Hernandez actually has the best goals per minute ratio in Premier League history. With the criteria being that you have to have scored at least 15 goals of course. I know this because I am a full time FitbaThatba bum and Sky Sports News told me this about 100 times today. This isn't a real job by the way, I don't actually get paid. If you want to pay me, you can send money direct to my house. I live in Scotland. It's pretty small so you should find me easily enough.

There were a few rumours that Real Madrid were interested in buying Hernandez. Real don't really do "interest", they just point at people and throw sacks of money at them. Expect to see the lovely lesbian scoring 100 goals a season in La Liga next season.

Hasn't he already played for Real Madrid? I remember they signed him and Gavin Harris. They both scored in that epic Champions League final against Arsenal. That was actually Goal 2: Living the Dream. I always wanted to write a spoof of Goal but then realised that I couldn't possibly find a worse footballer than the star of Goal so it would be a pointless enterprise.