I really don't know where to start from this, so I figure I'll just be HILARIOUS and talk about every club, avoiding all the shit people that no-one cares about. Because if you really want to know you've already read either BBC Sport or watched SSN. Oh and I'm going to do it all in one post. Ready?
Arsene Wenger did what all depressed people do: got pissed and started phoning people on his lonely walk home from the night club he was in. After crying to his exes like Cesc and Thierry who were both sleeping, Per Mertesacker replied to a drunken text and agreed to sign. Brazilian left back Andre Santos - who is probably good, I have no idea - has also signed for the Gunners and now Mikel Arteta is trying to organise a move there for about £10 million. Yossi Benayoun has also turned up at the Emirates, using his secret attic type writer to tweet "I sign with arsenal, very happy and excited about it, but now my head is only in the game against Greece on Friday, thanks for the support."
A team so dull that I actually forgot to include them on my original list of clubs. Mcleish was busy and added quality in the form of Alan Hutton, who is about the only Rangers player in the last two centuries that I haven't hated because he's awesome. They also signed Jermaine Jenas on loan for a year, which is another great signing and will make sure they really strive to finish 15th this year, and every year after that until I get cancer and die.
Blackburn manager Steve Kean woke up today amongst a floor full of empty whisky bottles, half eaten curry boxes and to find the Band of Brothers DVD menu on repeat to try and sign people that his son recommended on Football Manager. I have no idea who he signed and honestly I don't care.
Arteta was really looking forward to the next season with Everton according to his interview for Football Focus the other day. Then literally any other team in the world decided they might want him and he fucking sprinted out of his house to try and get there. That team was Arsenal, and after his Forrest Gump-esque run to a fax machine, Arsenal parted with £10 million which Bill Kenwright then set fire to make himself a bit warmer while David Moyes pleaded for just a little bit of that Christmas turkey. He's just so cold.
Matt Bellamy signed again for Liverpool for free. It was a SHOCK move despite the SHOCK having been revealed sometime last year. When asked why he chose Anfield over the other 400 clubs that want him he pulled out a guitar and seven different effects pedals, firing rockets into the sky and then.. I dunno... ran really fast and did a step over and then scored like seven goals all year and then he wrote another album which wasn't actually very good. I really liked muscle museum. Speaking of which, Joe Cole went to Lille to replace all of their players who have already jumped ship. Lille are of course in the champions league this year so Joe gets to play about three interesting games, eat baguettes and hang out with African people who are paid to say they are French footballers. Raul Meireles used all of his cunning and put in a transfer request at 10pm. He's real clever like that.
Man City never fail to entertain and signed our good friend Owen Hargreaves on a one year deal, probably for about £100,000 a week because they can. He completed a medical and then got injured doing something funny. I made all those jokes about 4 months ago before all the jerks on Twitter.
Alan Pardew continued to show the world how little control he has by not signing anyone, despite having assured us all during the last few months that he desperately needed a striker or the team was too weak. Leon Best has scored like three goals this year though and since Mike Ashley knows how to manage cheap sporting goods in shit hole selling venues, it would appear that he's decided, yet again, that he knows best. Or maybe that guy Derek Llambias did. Even he doesn't know what his job is. If he ends up driving drunk over a cliff tomorrow it's because Ashley watched North by Northwest last night and got an ingenious idea. And much like that film, Pardew's season is almost certainly going to have the worst ending ever. On a train surrounded by black and white. Yay!
Paul Lambert stayed in his room doing push ups to try and impress his wife because they haven't had sex in a couple of months. It didn't work.
Shaun Wright-Phillips joined the revolution at QPR by signing a four year deal. The club has also hired Mark Hammil to carry him around on his back during his training.
Nobody likes Stoke but somehow they managed to convince Peter Crouch to join them by promising to be his friend and returning the stolen jewels from his kingdom of fellow GIANTS. Tony Pulis confirmed that for a big man he has great feet and that he was looking forward to being able to eat him because he's very hungry. He was sad when he was told he wasn't allowed to eat him.
Steve Bruce was busy signing another 40 players that won't be very good but he did manage to convince Nicklas Bendtner to move to Sunderland. I assume he promised to build a statue in his honour or he dressed up like Bendtner's ghost to haunt him into moving. Either that or he's been phoning him late at night for the past two years and then never saying anything, and this is what will stop it. Or he kidnapped his dad and this is the ransom. I'm just thinking of any possible reason to justify having to live in Sunderland.
Swansea signed the RSPCB to remove a giant fucking swan from their stadium. After catching him shortly before the transfer window they revealed a shocking revelation about it. It turns out it was just a man in a swan suit. WHO KNEW?!!!
I'm getting bored now. Spurs missed out on Cahill, didn't sign anyone, got rid of some players they don't need. Meh. The most interesting thing about them was that the SSN presenters reporting from outside were terrified of being fired for failing to prevent swearing on live TV from the gangs of youths who gathered around them. Either that or it was a genuine fear of being stabbed once the cameras were turned off. Where are these kids' parents? What were they doing? If I'd been caught swearing on live TV when I was 14 my Dad wouldn't have just been mad, he'd have been really disappointed. Which is so much worse.
West Brom blah blah blah blah
Wigan's board room looked like this
And this is how I felt reading about it
And Wolves might have signed someone but I started googling pictures of Elisha Cuthbert instead.
So to summarise: I would match rather have just sat looking at pictures of semi-naked girls than reading about 80% of the transfer rumours. But so would you, and that's why we're friends. Can I borrow a tenner please?