Sunday, 31 July 2011

Portsmouth get stuck in USA / Real Betis play amateurs

Portsmouth FC got stuck in America because a truck crashed into their plane.  I have no idea how that is possible either.  To save wasting the trip, Real Betis called upon Havant and Waterlooville to provide them with some competition, which they didn't really do.

Ahead 5-0 by half time, this game resembled most of those that I had to endure when playing under-15s football in Aberdeenshire.  The team I played for, and including myself, was so incredibly shit that we would regularly lose by 18-0 and 'I stopped counting at 13'.  An all too rare modicum of professionalism kept Betis from running riot and absolutely destroying their hosts, who provided tickets for £5-£10, and the game finished 7-0.  It was a wonderful occasion for all the fans of this non-league side and for football in general.  Now back to America where a catering lorry crashed into a plane.  I can't think of any reason why a catering LORRY would be anywhere a runway, let alone close enough to a fucking aeroplane to crash into it.  Unless it was one of those orders that Sam Allardyce gave from CTU.  Read the post two below this one if you don't know what I mean.

0-0 draw 'great advert for SPL'

Kilmarnock and Motherwell played out a goalless draw and afterwards the Killie manager said it was 'a great advert for the SPL'.  Just like it says in the title above!  That's why I said it.

a bunch of balls
Kenny Shiels (the manager in question) obviously hasn't seen many movie trailers because despite the 0-0 draw having some attacking play at either end (I hasten to add I am writing this based on other people's views of the game - there is no way I am taking the time to watch a motherwell Killie match), film editors around the globe are already looking for more exciting cutaways to make something barely watchable.  Not even explosions, just... anything.

In all fairness, some very famous manager said years ago that a 0-0 was the perfect scoreline in football because it showed that both teams were evenly matched and the defending was as good as it could be.  I forget who that manager was but he was wrong.  I need to have at least one or two goals in a game, and actually probably about nine, like that game between Flamengo and Sao Paulo the other day.  That's a good advert for Brazilian football.  Not 22 players, who would rather be at the pub, kicking and chasing a ball about until finally it's over and no one has done anything interesting.  That would be like if the new Batman trailer just had him eating cornflakes in his costume and then putting up some shelves in the cave.  COMING NEXT SUMMER

BBC: Sam Allardyce 'facing up to reality'

When I read this headline I really hoped that Sam Allardyce had realised that he is an unbearable cunt, but it turns out he just thinks he might get fired if West Ham don't get promoted.  Disappointed.

According to Fat Sam and his giant square head, failure to win promotion back to the Premier League will result in him being sacked.  The problem is that he definitely will get them promoted because he still has international players like Carlton Cole and Rob Green in his side but mostly because the football he makes teams play is so bone shudderingly horrible that it suits the Championship almost perfectly.  Despite regularly telling anyone that will listen that he's more than good enough for the Real Madrid job, Allardyce's tactics involve:  massive defender headers or kicks a ball as far as he can up the pitch, Kevin Davies elbows someone in the head and passes the ball back to someone in midfield, they shoot, keeper parries it, Davies scores.  Oh but he does it with a headset so it looks reeeeal professional, but it's actually so he can pretend he's on 24.  If he really were at CTU the only thing he'd be doing is ordering more hotdogs and sending El Hadj Diouf on missions instead of Bauer.  Missions to buy even more hotdogs.

Lee Chung-yong is broken

Bolton's South Korean midfielder Lee Chung-yong had his leg broken quite a lot by some guy that plays for Newport County.  It was on the football pitch during a game, he didn't drive up to his house to do it or anything.

Out for about 9 months and stuck in Bolton in an almost immobile state, Lee has to come to terms with the realisation that hell really might be a place on earth.  As he sits by the Bolton training complex window in his wheel chair with telescope in hand, he can help solve murders, as long as they take place directly opposite the building he is inside.  Either that or he can begin to study the master mind tactics required to lead a team like Bolton to mid-table stardom.  After months of intense learning his findings will exclusively reveal that the answer is 'heart'.  Or possibly '£££££££ + Owen Coyle'

World Cup Qualifying: The musical

All the home nations, and other countries, found out their World Cup Qualifying groups last night in Brazil as Fat Ronaldo tried to prevent the onset of that heart attack he has coming, and some Brazilian people played a Damien Rice song in the middle of the show for absolutely no reason.

Ronaldo was later said to be disappointed not to have found a cheeseburger
England have a mixed group and have to beat Ukraine, Poland and Montenegro and get to practise against Moldova and San Marino.  I wonder why these teams turn up sometimes.  Scotland and Wales are in the same group but are fucked because they are joined by Croatia, Serbia and Belgium, who are all much better at football.  I'm used to this by now so I don't care too much.  Northern Ireland and Portugal blah blah blah basically what's going to happen is that England, France, Spain, Germany etc are all going to qualify, some teams will play quite well and think they might get through to the actual tournament but eventually they won't because FIFA will change the rules to allow Italy to foul players between the 80th and 90th minute or something, and finally Brazil, Argentina or Uruguay will win the World Cup.  So there you go.  I've just ruined it for you.

Saturday, 30 July 2011

South African teams chosen by text message

Some canadian beer company has 'bought' the rival match between kaizer chiefs and orlando pirates and decided the best way to promote it is to allow people who buy their beer the chance to vote for who they want to play in each team. Cool.

Far be it from me to suggest that people who are pissed might not take the whole thing too seriously and as you'd expect, up until quite recently the reserve goalkeepers were set to play a starring role on the right wing. The manager of pirates isn't happy at all, and actually is a bit pissed off because it basically means he doesn't really have a job. He has to watch a team go out selected by the public - I have no idea if you are aware or not, but the public are idiots. Feel lucky that you haven't been lumped in with the public , fitbathatba reader.

One good to come out of this whole situation is that if this idea does work then Paul Ince might have a future. In the carphone warehouse.

Friday, 29 July 2011

David Goodwillie to Blackburn

Definitely NOT a rapist and good footballer David Goodwillie could well be on his way to Blackburn.

I like David Goodwillie. He is good at football, he is good looking but also slightly retarded, he has good tattoos and he loves being a lad. Now the rape charges have been dropped we can safely say that Goodwillie just does what every other young man in his situation would do. Take advantage of your situation and bang as many girls as possible.

Some jabroni on twitter is claiming that Blackburn have upped their bid for Goodwillie and he will sign soon. It would be good to see Goodwillie go down to England and be a success. Chances are on his debut he will miss and open goal and get sent off. Then never be seen again.

There was once an Aberdeen player called Russell Anderson who signed for Sunderland. If anyone has seen him recently please call the police. His family are very concerned. Come back Russell, we miss you.

have you seen this man?

Hernandez has a neurological condition

Everyone's favourite Mexican lesbian Javier Hernandez got a concussion whilst playing a friendly for Manchester United. OR DID HE!?!?!?!?

Well yes but according to his previous club Hernandez actually has a pre-existing condition. Rafael Ortega the doctor at his old club Chivas Regal said that Hernandez would frequently experience migraines and bleed from his vagina.  Alex Ferguson said it's not a big deal as they play in red anyway.

Reports are that he will be out of action for two weeks which seems excessive. I got a concussion once. Just throw up and then crack on that's what I say. Doctors recommend staying in a hospital over night for observation. Unfortunately spending a night in a NHS hospital results almost always in certain death. The lack of proper cleaning has resulted in some super bug that lives in the sheets and eats your brain when you sleep. You wake up in a poop filled night gown with five nurses laughing at your small penis.

Only joking. I've been to hospital a few times. I did die but luckily there's plenty staff on hand to resuscitate you.

Someone else is going to buy QPR

One of those old dudes who owns QPR wants to sell it.  I have no idea why, but his share is worth £100 million and some other F1 types want to buy it apparently.

If I was the Queen, my park would look a lot more like this, and not like the stadium at Loftus Road.  Lousy Queen and her boring ideas.  The Premier League has confirmed that the club are in discussions about changing owners which might explain why they haven't really bought anyone yet, and why Taraabt hasn't been allowed to leave.  I know that I am not alone in hoping that Steven Spielberg is the potential new owner and plans to use the club as a basis for Jurassic Park 4.  In it they harvest the DNA of extinct QPR footballers like Les Ferdinand and Trevor Sinclair to offer a futuristic theme park for children and adults to enjoy as one.  One day the electricity goes down and Sinclair goes on a rampage scoring bicycle kicks all over the place and it turns out that Bernie Ecclestone was at fault the entire time.  He has his comeuppance in a Formula One car when El Hadj Diouf spits poison all over his face.  The reason?  That will all be explained in Star Wars 8, or Jurassic Park 9 or whatever number either of those film jerks stops ruining their legacies.

Bolton sign Eagles and Mears

I know, I don't care either but it's news so that's why it's here.

That is what I want Chris Eagles to look like and it's the only way that this story could make me excited at all.  He doesn't even own an eagle as far as I know and I'm fucked if I know who on earth Tyrone Mears is.  The only good thing about Bolton is that Owen Coyle is a genuinely great manager, all round nice guy and makes them play good football.  The very second he leaves there will be no good thing.  In other news I just ate a Subway.  What was in it?  I'll never tell!

Italian BMT.  You got me!

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Blackburn Rovers are terrible at adverts

As if being one of the most boring football teams in the world wasn't enough, Blackburn Rovers have now decided to make the worst ever football related advert.

Slowly being turning into the Premier League's laughing stock, having Dr Robotnik's cousin as a manager and transfer dreams in sync with mental patients (we'll sign Ronaldinho!  No?  OK we'll sign Pele!) and having all football affairs carried about by someone who has only ever watched football on TV during a world cup (she told a reporter this, unprompted) -  can it really be long before 'ROVERS!' find themselves tucking on some delicious chicken in the Championship?  It must be painful to watch as a fan, and in fact I know it is because one of my friends posted this on Facebook pointing out his pain, and that's how I found it.  I'm just waiting for the Scottish version of this for Motherwell where instead of delicious chicken they tuck into a fish supper and abuse their children.


Top European clubs to leave UEFA and FIFA?

Top European clubs could break away from FIFA and UEFA and form their own super awesome all-star soccer league. Theoretically of course. This will never actually happen. However I shall continue.

Cheeky chappy Karl Heinz Rummenigge is a member of the super secret society the ECA (European Club Association). The ECA represent pretty much all of Europe's top clubs and have said that if FIFA and UEFA don't sort themselves out, then they will fuck off and do their own thing. I paraphrase of course.

Clubs could even refuse to let their players play in the World Cup, which would potentially ruin football forever. We could even have a European Super League where Europe's best teams from the different domestic leagues play each other in a cup competition to see who is the perceived best team in Europe. That sounds amazing! Why don't we do something like that already? Oh wait.

The current agreement with clubs, UEFA and FIFA expires in 2014 so we shouldn't be too worried we will all be dead by then anyway. Thanks for ruining the fun you pesky Mayans.

With anything in life, money talks. If Europe's top clubs were offered £1b to quit their domestic league and play 5-a-side in Bill Gates' garden I'm sure they would. I actually paid Darren Mackie £10 to do keepie-uppies in my back garden. Say hello Darren........

El-Hadji Diouf banned from Senegal

Disgusting but hilarious human El-Hadji Diouf has been banned from "all football related activity" in his home country of Senegal.

The Senegal Football Federation claim that Diouf failed to turn up to a disciplinary hearing and as a result have banned him from watching, playing or even thinking about football whilst in Senegal. Diouf responded exactly how you would expect him to. Claiming he has no idea what they are talking about and saying the whole football system in Africa is corrupt. To be fair. It is. Not stopping there Diouf said he would go to war over their actions.

So the new war has begun. One El-Hadji Diouf prepared to take on an entire nation. For too long Dioufs have been victimised and oppressed. Now is time for all the Dioufs to rise up and fight back against the aggressors.  All Diouf sympathisers have been asked to grab whatever weapons they can and take to the streets.

Alternatively the Senegalese Football Federation have said that Diouf could just show up to his disciplinary proceeding and apologise. Nope. It's definitely going to war.

Juan Mata might sign for Arsenal

Although he currently plays for Valencia, Juan Mata and his family are over in London working out whether they want to live there.  My first thought was 'that's really far to travel, I wouldn't enjoy it' but then I investigated deeper and discovered that he might sign for a different club.

That club is Arsenal!  Because, as you may have seen earlier, Cesc Fabregas is using Bendtner as a balloon to escape the Emirates the Gunners need a new central midfielder, which is exactly where Juan Mata plays!  It's like a fucking jigsaw puzzle coming together.  Another piece of that puzzle is the possibility that Karim Benzema might also move to North London as Real Madrid want to get rid of him to fund other transfers, but it will cost £25 million which is £24,999,999 more than Arsene Wenger has ever spent on anything.  Wenger goes thirsty on the Megabus because the WH Smith prices for a bottle of water are 20p higher than he expects.  "That's a fucking a rip off!" is what he shouts at the attendant, who then tries to sell him all the chocolate ever created.

I almost missed a Megabus once because I was buying over-priced food in a WH Smiths.  The bus drove away while I came out of the shop and didn't let me, or the other FitbaThatba writer on, so then we went and shouted at a slightly fat lady in the office.  She gave us free tickets and looked like she might cry.  We are nice.  Regrets...... *gazes off into distance*

David Goodwillie wants to move to England

Dundee United striker David Goodwillie wants to move to England to play football there.  Presumably so he can either a) find more people to sexually assault (CASE DISMISSED SO OFFICIALLY NOT A RAPIST) or b) to get away from people in Dundee accusing him of sexually assaulting people.

As it turns out the official word for his desire to leave is 'ambition' but my loltastic joke above is actually based in truth.  Having been advised not to move to Rangers or Celtic by Dundee united manager Peter Houston because he will almost certainly get stabbed by a rough and ready rape retributor in Glasgow, the youngster has indicated that his future lies in the South of the UK.  At least if he does end up being Luke Morgand over his car he can phone his old boss and shout 'Houston..... I'm BEING RAPED"

I think that's enough rape jokes for today.  I want to try and make it to 26 without being sued.

Malaysian people hate jews

Hmmm.  Yossi Benayoun was booed every single time he touched the ball in Chelsea's recent match against the Malaysian XI and the London club think it's because the crowd is racist.  And so they've complained!  Yay!

I was pretty sure that hating Jewish people had gone out of fashion but it turns out that there really are still some idiots left in the world.  If there were no religion, people would still find a way to fight each other by disputing minor scientific facts or just because they have different coloured hair or because they support different football teams.... wait, that one's already here.  People are just idiots basically.  The Malaysian FA were too busy making a curry to reply to our emails.  Now that's good racism.  I'd like to point out that it was "only a small amount" of FitbaThatba that wrote this post so of course it's understandable that such racism hasn't been cut out yet.


Hooray!  Finally the dinosaurs have seen sense and even evil Sepp Blatter himself has decided that because it is 2011, it's time to finally use technology that has been available for about 20 years.  But not till next season.

So it could be introduced in time for the start of the 2012/2013 Premier League season but you know, they might as well just start putting it in now.  Or alternatively when the referee isn't sure he could just stop the game and look at one of the fucking thousands of TVs dotted around the stadium.  I remember one game when Chelsea conceded a penalty and the ref gave it and Jose Morinho was holding up an iPad with the game actually on it, clearly showing the non-penalty.  And it is rumoured that the 4th official saw the Zidane world cup final headbutt on a screen and alerted the referee, so it's not as if it hasn't been done before.  Blatter says that he changed his mind about technology when Frank Lampard scored a goal that basically rippled the net but bounced out again, labelling it 'un-forgiveable'.  The other thing rumoured to have changed his mind is that he's realised he can get porn on his phone now, and that's a good thing, so some good must come of goal line technology.  "Everyone likes tits" is something I assume he's said

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Has Torres forgotten how to score?

Fernando Torres says he has not forgotten how to score and that's good because it would be quite the inconvenience considering that is his job. Is he right? Let's investigate.

Torres has one goal in 21 games. One time I forgot how to speak and walk and not throw up on myself but that was just because I got to the final level of drinking and was beaten by the final boss. Having watched a few highlights of Chelsea pre-season, I'm still pretty sure that Torres still does not look like a footballer.

Perhaps some Freaky Friday episode occurred and Fernando Torres has actually swapped bodies with Lindsay Lohan. That would also explain her sudden realisation she was a lesbian and why Torres stopped smiling all the time and started doing lots of drugs. I've never actually seen Freaky Friday so I have no idea how Torres returns to his real body. I assume it involves a lot of lubricant.

Of course this happened at Chelsea before; Shevchenko was one of the best strikers in Europe for about ten years. Then he arrived at Chelsea. Watching him play was like watching a retarded Bambi on ice and about as painful as when Bambi's mother got shot.

Perhaps Torres' life has fallen to pieces after he realised he has a ginger kid.  I'm not sure how he will ever get over that. I know I couldn't.

Reo-Coker signs for Bolton

Nobody cares about Aguero signing for Manchester City - this is the major transfer of the day. Nigel Reo-Coker has signed for Bolton Wanderers for £0.00m

Football is a fickle business.  Four years ago he cost Aston Villa £8.5m and I can only assume Martin O'Neil was drinking heavily at the time. Only joking Martin! O'Neil once sued for calling him an idiot. Imagine if someone called him a c**t? 

Reo-Coker, pictured above stealing a car, is one of those extremely boring, average midfielders. The ones who you struggle to understand exactly what their role is. The commentators usual compliments stretch as far as "he has a lot of energy".  He doesn't score, he doesn't create.  No doubt Bolton's fans will be delighted with his signing especially considering that a rumour circulated they were in for Barcelona's Thiago, who did this tonight

Instead they got Reo-Coker who once went to London Zoo. He liked the penguins the best.

Wales are shit

The country, not the water dwelling mammals - because those are awesome, unlike Gary Speed's home nation which is now considered worse  at football than the Faroe Islands, and I don't even know where that is really.

Originally Wales were placed at 112 and in the same position as the Faroe Islands in the FIFA rankings but then some computer nerd trolled them and pointed out that the Faroes were actually 0.07 points ahead.  So despite having Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey and several other high profile names in their midst, this country is now in the same pot of teams for forthcoming qualifying groups as 'Luxembourg' and 'Malta' which also means they have absolutely no chance of ever getting through to another international tournament again.  What a fair way to ensure that the worlds' footballing nations are on equal standing.  It's exactly like giving all the clever kids in school computers, dictionaries and tuition before an exam and giving the poor ones a pine cone, kicking them in the balls then asking why they didn't get as good a grade.  The poor ones are always so ugly anyway, they should just get rid of them or something.

Scotland and Northern Ireland are 61st and 62nd respectively and England are, honestly, considered the 6th best team in the world.  So just scrap this whole post because the entire thing is bollocks basically

lol at McCoist

Poor old Rangers lost 1-0 to Malmo FF in their Champions League qualifying a game.  This is a tie they really need to win because they literally could go bankrupt without the millions of champs money they stand to earn mwa ha ha hah a

The Swedish side take an away goal advantage which means they can just sit and defend for 90 minutes and Rangers will be forced to play in the Eurovision Cup, unless they score of course, and then it's just sort of even.  Manager Ally McCoist has made a great start to his new career by drawing one game against Hearts and now losing to an un-fancied minnow team.  I, for one, am all for it!  Bankrupt and relegated, they lock the gates at Ibrox, the ghost busters come along to clean out the inside of the stadium and then Celtic decide to move to Ireland to compete there.  The SPL becomes a haven of the worst football possibly imaginable with Dunfermline playing Barcelona in the Champions League in three years time.  I'm SO EXCITED

Man City are about to buy Aguero

I've decided not to say 'have signed' because we've been caught out with that a few times before, but basically yeh, they've signed him.

I've done some trademark FitbaThatba research and have discovered that Aguero is 'really good' at football and so I think this will be a great signing.  He's also married to Diego Maradona's daughter which is a really weird connection to have.  I haven't googled her yet but I can only imagine her being really small and ugly.... let's find out.

ffs.  If this is the effort Aguero puts into finding a woman imagine how little effort he puts in to football.  Or maybe he thought if her Dad has the hand of god, perhaps she has another feature?  Like she makes really good lasagne or something like that.  Anyway, he plays for Man City now.  That was the point I was making, I remember now.

Cesc Fabregas and the Adventurous Escape from the Emirates

As you probably know everyone here at FitbaThatba, which is two of us, is bored of the 'Cesc Fabregas to Barcelona' story.  So we made this


Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Ian Wright - Movie Star

Ian Wright seems to be hell bent on making us all forget what a brilliant footballer he was by being an appalling human being. Shouting, spouting nonsense and crying on Match Of The Day followed by presenting some of the worst shows in television history shat out by the dozen thanks to the plebs over at ITV and CH5. Well now, ladies and gentleman, Ian Wright is a movie star.

Starring in the British independent film "Gun of the Black Sun", Wright has been getting rave reviews for his performance according someone on the internet. However after a quick google of "gun of the black sun" there are no actual reviews anywhere that I can find, other than from a few people who probably made the film on IMDB. I went to the film's official website but I could feel it giving me eye cancer and raping my ear holes. After 30 seconds I couldn't take any more and pressed the small X and closed that tab hard.

Perhaps I am being too harsh on Ian Wright - after all I haven't seen the film yet. It does have a nazi-powered mystical luger pistol, motorbikes, scantily clad women, gratuitous violence, terrible accents and looks like it was made by a 15 year old in his media studies class. In fact it sounds like the greatest film of all time.

For some reason this film is going straight to DVD. Buy it August 1st. Or just download it illegally. That's what I'll do. Imagine actually paying for things? That's so 1995.

David Obua needs a new passport

There is a professionalism in Scottish football that other countries can only dream of. Today Heart's player David Obua could not fly to Hungary for a Europa League game because his passport had expired.

To speed things up I have already provided him with the above passport photograph. Obua now has a race against time to organise getting a new passport from the Ugandan embassy and sort himself out with a visa for his trip to Hungary.

Obua will have some adventure getting through the red tape and no doubt we will all get a few laughs along the way. I imagine his car will break down. Some hippy will give him a ride and drop him at the wrong embassy. After inadvertently entering himself into a half marathon he crosses the finish line in first place and makes his way to the Ugandan embassy.

 He arrives at the embassy just in time to see the door being locked. Still holding his trophy in his hand and draped in a foil blanket he begs the man to let him in and approve his new passport. "Your passport is right here" he says pointing to Obua's heart and walks away. Obua wakes up in bed and finds a passport lying beside his bed. Unfortunately he's actually back in a mud hut in Uganda. Not every ending is a happy one.

Mick McCarthy doesn't like twitter

Wolves manager Mick McCarthy has been speaking about twitter to the press and it turns out he is not a fan.

He even blames twitter for Steve Sidwell signing for Fulham instead of Wolves. In his head it happened like this. Sidwell is in the middle of his fitness test and cannot wait to sign for Wolves. Greg Halford tweets "@ssidwell  to sign for @wolvesfc #sidwelltofulham OMG!". Mark Hughes saw this on his timeline and thought. He's going to sign for Wolves? They are pretty shit. I think I'll sign him instead. Logs on to twitter" @ssidwell sign for @fulhamfc please #wolvesareshit LOL".

Of course this isn't really how it happened at all. Sidwell had a choice between living in London or Wolverhampton. That's like choosing between a kiss on the cheek or a kick in the balls.

Mick McCarthy talked to a fan who made him aware that there are people pretending to be him on twitter. This person said he had been talking to McCarthy for two years on twitter without realising it wasn't really him. Mick had no sympathy. He said that anyone pretending to be him is a cock and people who talk to people pretending to be him are also cocks. Harsh words. Coming from a cock.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Uruguay - you are awesome.

Uruguay won the Copa America last night defeating Paraguay 3-0 in the final.  Really easily.

The tournament came to a close and Uruguay won the tournament, which was rather fitting as every other team was dreadful.  Not so long ago we all mocked Uruguay by calling them URgay and laughing at their best player who was that rubbish girl who played for Manchester United and took about 100 games to score his first goal.  Flash forward a few years and that blonde girl turned out to be Diego Forlan.  He actually won the best player award at the 2010 World Cup after linking the midfield and attack by textbook example, and in Cavani and Suarez (he who likes to bite people) they have two world class strikers.

The whole country was celebrating hard last night and calling it a national holiday, people have taken to the streets.  Dancing, drinking, looting shops and setting fire to police cars - it's truly a carnival atmosphere.  I celebrated in my own way by drinking a bottle of whisky and dressing up as a wizard.

Hammam banned from FIFA - Santa pleased

Mohamed Bin Hammam has been banned from FIFA for life.  He's even been banned from playing FIFA11 online on his PS3, which seems quite harsh, but it's understood that they will allow him to continue playing his "be a pro" game.  After doing the old cliched 'handing over money in brown paper envelopes' trick, Hammam was accused of trying to bribe people into voting and has been given a life time ban.  Chuck Blazer, the general secretary of Concacaf, is happy.

Looking quite a lot like Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was an alcoholic paedophile, Blazer thinks this will deter others in the future from trying to offer "gifts" in order to get votes, when in truth they will just be a lot smarter and not hand over envelopes full of money in public places.

This guy worked with Hammam for 15 years but had 'no idea what was going on' so when he found out recently he was "appalled".  I'm rolling my eyes as I type.  Thank goodness FIFA have sorted out all their problems and there will be no more corruption or dodgy deals from now on.  Let's all join hands with Sepp Blatter and sing songs under a rainbow.  Oh happy day.

Drogba is up for a fight

Didier Drogba is 33 and I'm not sure when that happened. The striker is expected to sign a one year extension to his contract and has announced that he is ready to fight for his place in the team.

With Torres hoping to remember he's not shit and gaining control back over his legs, and Chelsea's new manager Villas Boas looking to reunite with his old friends from Porto, it could be a tough season for Drogba. In order to keep his place in the team he is going to fight the other strikers in a straight knock out tournament. The winner being rewarded with the position of being Chelsea's lone striker. Let's have a look at the fighters.

Didier "the Destroyer" Drogba
Age: 33
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 185lbs
Style: Brawler
Finishing Move: Triple D (Drogba Death Drop) - Flying headbutt from the top rope

Nicolas "le Sulk" Anelka
Age: 32
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 172lbs
Style: Black Tiger
Finishing Move: The N Bomb - Similar to a tombstone

Fernando "el Nino" Torres
Age: 27
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 174lbs
Style: Matador
Finishing Move: el Picador - Roundhouse kick to the chin

Looking at the stats I fancy Didier Drogba to win his final death match against Torres. Torres' speed could be a factor but the rumour is that Drogba has recruited an elderly Asian man in order to improve his technique and control his temper. Finally those bullies will  get what's coming to them. Or is that the Karate Kid? I forget.

Hugh Dallas is clever

Chief of referees in Scotland, Hugh Dallas, sent out an email that alludes to the Pope being a child molestor and then got fired.  After that he sued the SFA and now he's settled with them.  Exciting stuff.

That's the picture he sent out in an email and it's good to see that a 53 year old man in charge of impartially refereeing globally viewed football matches has his wits about him.  If you aren't familiar with Scottish football or religion (like me) I'll take the time now to explain it:

A long time ago there was a competition hosted by Simon Cowell's grand-dad, in a sort of x-factor type style, to decide who was the most holy.  This old dude won, and through the years they keep doing the same competition but only in this one tiny country.  Last season's winner was an old Nazi-youth member and he fully supports the touching of children by priests.  People who support Celtic tend to also really like the bible and so do people who like Rangers, except they disagree about bits.  Sort of like how some people think Harry Potter really did die and the rest of it was a dream and the other half think he literally did come to life.  And now they all worship Dumbledore.  I just preferred the movie.

Anyway, back to the story.  I'm always genuinely surprised when famous people or footballers use the internet.  It's weird to know that Hugh Dallas sends out 'office funnies' when he's on his e-mail.  I wonder if he's seen Chris Samba's laboratory?

'James Bond' supports Man City / rly?

This really is the most pointless story we will ever post on here but there's not an awful lot of (real) things going on today.  Timothy Dalton, who was James Bond in like one movie that I can remember, supports Man City  :picard:

Most of the papers have gone with headlines like 'Dalton thinks Man City will scare "the living daylights" out of opponents next season or something equally terrible.  This story is really bad because not only is it pointless but we all know that the only actual James Bond is Pierce Brosnan because although Sean Connery 'is' James Bond, he was in all the really boring early movies.  Brosnan made it cool and was in Goldeneye, which is what made most people my age like James Bond movies because it was an awesome video game.  So there you go.

FitbaThatba will return in 'another god awful post that makes 100s of readers stop coming back'

Jose Enrique is annoyed

Wait, has this guy still not been sold yet?

Mike Ashley is basically a fat version of the monorail salesman in the Simpsons.  He turned up at the town hall meeting, sold everyone his vision and then they all sang a song together at the delight of the bright future this visionary had brought them!  After that he set about selling every single good player the club has, replacing them with cheap, breakable (french) things and now the city expects the club to be successful when actually it's falling apart.  Jose Enrique is Marge Simpson in this version of the tale

From his Twitter:
"The club is allowing all the major players of the team to go. Seriously, do you think it is the fault of the players? Andy (Carroll), nobby (Kevin Nolan) etc etc.
"This club will never again fight to be among the top 6 again with this policy."
What he doesn't realise is that Ashley already put North Haverbrook on the map!  Newcastle also still have Shola Ameobi and Leon Best.  Nothing to worry about, mate.

Neil Warnock has good bosses

QPR owners Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore don't seem to really like Neil Warnock and have basically told him to stop talking to the press, or anyone.  That made Neil sad :-(

Perhaps it is his more than passing resemblance to Kreacher the House Elf that so annoys the club's owners, or perhaps it is Warnock's whinging to media about the club's lack of signings in the transfer window that does their tits in.  Either way it really doesn't matter because the minute that QPR lose a game by more than two goals he's going to get fired.  If I were him I'd be setting up potential blackmail opportunities or fake sexual harassment claims.  If you see Warnock turning up to the first game of the season wearing a bikini or a 'go west' t-shirt it's because he's trying to be unfairly dismissed.  Ironically the team will start playing like absolute demons, probably through fear, and win every single game 5-0.

I can't decide who wins in that situation.  It's definitely not us.

Alan Smith is still a professional footballer

Newcastle lost 1-0 to Orlando City in a friendly last night and afterwards the Orlando coach says he wants to buy Alan Smith.  I don't know why either.

Despite playing in the second tier of American soccer, Orlando have ambitions to be in the MLS apparently and the dude that manages the team was all like 'Alan Smith has property in Florida so like why not, man'.  Now 30 years old, 'Smudger' signed for the toon for £6million about four years ago and has scored exactly zero goals.  Not one.  This is a STRIKER that used to play upfront for England.  Sure, he's been stuck in a defensive midfield position for the entirety of that time but still.  The logic of that positional change seems to have been 'he's not very good upfront, but he IS awful at tackling, passing and has no positional sense in the middle of the park - nothing can go wrong if he's in the most important position on the field!'

The most telling part about this fantastical tactical positional change is that the only club in the world who wants to sign him now is one that I didn't know existed until twenty minutes ago.

Balotelli is an absolute hero / substituted

Everyone's favourite football mischief Mario Balotelli seems to find it hard to stay out of sport headlines and today is no exception because he did something awesome last night in a match against LA Galaxy.

The question everyone seems to be asking is "had he scored, would everyone be talking about 'that' goal?".  The answer is quite clearly no - he couldn't be taking the piss anymore if he tried.  This pre-season friendly between LA Galaxy and Man City was a very important match - lives were at stake!  This crazy Italian comes along and starts pointing out how much better he is than everyone else on the pitch and we are supposed to just take it?!

In reality it's actually quite funny and I enjoy watching players act like real humans, doing things that our own friends would do at the park when kicking a ball about.  Does Mancini make his players arrive to the local park wearing suits?  Then they do full warm-ups in track suits before taking off their matching club attire and distributing them equally either side of the pitch to create 'goal posts'.  Goal line technology still hasn't been approved yet so the less popular kids, who happen to be playing on the near-by swings, have to stand in as goal-line referees and also post and cross-bar referees.

The best part about this whole video is how absolutely gutted the commentators are.  Poor guys.

Sunday, 24 July 2011

SPL season begins!

Everyone's favourite soccer ball teams kicked off the start of the real season this weekend and oh what an exciting sight it was to see!

(c) Scott Baxter
Rangers managed to claw a draw out of Hearts, our beloved Aberdeen played out one of the most boring examples of Scottish football you've ever seen with a 0-0 against St Johnstone, Motherwell pumped Inverness by three clear goals, other teams drew and Celtic, of course, won.  Neil Lennon has almost definitely got the easiest managing job in the world right now - if it weren't for the constant bomb threats or fear of being assaulted in the city he'd probably be enjoying things a bit more.  A spasticated monkey couldn't put out a losing Celtic side in the SPL this year and that includes Rangers, a team with a tax bill so large that they might literally have to sell their souls to avoid bankruptcy.  I jest, Rangers players and fans don't have souls.

If anything good came out of the whole weekend it was these lovely photos that we have from Aberdeen vs St Johnstone, so just enjoy a bit of quality on our site for once.  It won't happen often.

(c) Scott Baxter

Everton are incredibly boring and poor

If Everton were in a pub with its mates, it would be the club that always skips its round.  They have signed absolutely no-one and Jermaine Beckford is still one of their main strikers.  But wait, who is this they are going to sign now!!??

No-one.  The rumour today is that the toffees want £20 million for Jack Rodwell so they can finance a move for Charles N'Zogbia who is shown here in a literal translation of how whoever thinks that Jack Rodwell is worth £20 million sees the world.  The cat thing in question is not the Wigan mascot but is in-fact N'Zogbia's agent who helps him to stay on the straight and narrow and advises him exactly when to whinge like a little girl so he gets his transfer wishes.  Either that or it's David Moyes doing covert tapping up.

In other news, new potential Everton targets like 'Captain boring' and '6 goals a year striker' are going to be financed by re-thinking the teams transport system.  When the other premiership teams travel to away games the car parks are full of Ferarris and Porsches but this will all change when David Moyes and his crew turn up on scooters because they get 'better mileage' and then order pints of tap water at the bar as they watch someone elses Sky Sports after the match

Joey Barton to Man Utd? Barton doesn't care

Sir Alex Ferguson is rumoured to be making an audacious attempt to take Joey Barton to Old Trafford.  Are rumour people not even trying anymore?

if we don't win i'll beat you to death lol
Barton is great, as we've previously mentioned, and has been replying to tweets all day about how he wants to stay at Newcastle this season and then probably leave at the end of his contract, as it appears no-one wants to offer him a new one.  Burn!  Man Utd are short of some actual grit in midfield with the retirement of Paul Scholes, contracting of AIDs for Darren Fletcher, loss of Owen Hargreaves and the simple truth that Michael Carrick is boring.  Barton would add some Roy Keane-esque spice to the middle and some good distribution but none of this matters because this rumour is almost 99% utter horse shit.  Fucking twitter and idiots that make up these things.  In the next post we do I'm going to 'break the news' that Pele is moving to Hibs because I spotted him near Edinburgh on a motorway.  There's only one possible explanation!

Best goal ever. In the wrong net

Arsenal played a pre-season the other night, it might even have been last night in fact, and a young man called Carl Jenkinson has set the standard for the rest of his career with this stunning effort:

I'm proud of him.  He did play rather well in the rest of the match, if other football critics are to be believed, so it might not all be over for him yet.  It must be one of the most horrifying things to watch in football when you boot a ball, for no real reason, towards your own goal and helplessly witness it drop over the head of your keeper.  It's like when you almost knock over a pint with your elbow and you get that massive adrenaline rush when you realise 'it's ok - the pint is safe'.  Except this is in front of a crowd of tens of thousands, and then subsequently a worldwide YouTube audience of millions and it's your job.  Still, he's no Frank Queudrue

Friday, 22 July 2011

Butcher: SPL is a farce

Alroight guvna Terry Butcher, who isn't actually a butcher has agreed with miserable cunt neil Lennon that the early start to the SPL is hella lame.

stolen from the bbc, along with the story
The SPL is starting this weekend, which is actually ridiculous, and some of the 'top' managers are outraged that they have run out of time to buy any good players.  I'm outraged that I have to pretend to care about Scottish football all over again, even though I actually do.  That makes no sense.  Terry Butcher says:
"You look at the squads that have been assembled by clubs in the SPL and they are nowhere near complete."
He added: "We weren't consulted as managers.
"Maybe the directors and chairmen were consulted but we certainly weren't and everybody is in the same boat that I have spoken to, that we are starting too early."
I'm obviously a better manager than Terry Butcher, and probably a better butcher when I think about it, because I looked at the squads mid-way through last season and thought "oh my christ this is fucking awful".  I don't remember seeing any managers going 'waaaah' at the end of last season about how soon they had to come back and everyone seems to be forgetting that IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE EITHER CELTIC OR RANGERS WILL WIN EVERYTHING.  Aberdeen have already played their biggest game of the season against Villareal, and it was a testimonial for Darren Mackie.  Jesus Christ.  Oh but wait, there are some cup competitions!  Maybe we can be knocked out of those in the semi-final by RANGERS OR CELTIC.

Someone must be able to do something?!  Surely?!!!

Bojan has gone to Roma

Bojan Krkic is 20 years old now which is older than I think he is in my head.  I don't spend an awful lot of time thinking about him to be honest.

The spritely young forward has moved to Roma for £10m-ish but Barcelona have the option of buying him back after two years for £11.4 million.  If Roma turn down this offer then they have to pay Barcelona £35.2m for him.  So it's basically the worst ever loan deal Roma, or any other team in the history of football has ever made.  They get him for two seasons in which case he either plays as amazingly as logic suggests he should and Roma have to shell out £25m, which is quite a lot of cash, or they have to sell him back to Barcelona for fuck all.  Nice work guys.

By the time I write the 'Bojan goes back to Barca' piece I fully expect to still believe that Bojan is 16 years old, I have only just graduated and that girls just don't like me because I'm handsomer than them.

Fabregas left out of Arsenal's tour of Asia


Some people say he's been left out because of a hamstring injury.  Mmmmmm..... ham.  Others say he is locked in Wenger's dungeon until the transfer window is finished ("oh i've been looking for you everywhere but we were just so wasted last month that we couldn't remember where we'd put you!).  Most say that he is talking to Barcelona people to organise this move that seems to have been going on longer than I have been alive, and I'm older than Cesc so that's like... 26 years?  I however say that he is filming a Hollywood blockbuster and because of the secrecy surrounding both stories it's probably the new Batman film.  Everyone thinks the bad guy is going to be Bane, but it's not - it's EVIL CESC FABREGAS.  WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PAELLA BATMAN?  MWA HA HA

Jimmy Bullard suspended

Jimmy Bullard. Cheeky chappy. Top boy. Diamond geezer. One of the lads. Bit of a dick? Maybe.

Bullard always comes across as a genuinely likable person - able to take the piss of  himself and self aware of the privileged position he is in, earning £45k a week for booting a ball around. No wonder he is always smiling. Known more for mischief and tom foolery rather than being a cock, it surprised me that he has been suspended for a couple of weeks by Hull City for events that took place during their pre-season trip to Slovenia.

"No comment" is the official party line from the Hull City camp so let's speculate. Being a footballer I can imagine the following words were involved in some way - champagne, strippers, roasting, donkey, midget, camera,  police. If only there was some newspaper willing to go to extreme lengths to find out what really happened. Say a newspaper that would even hack mobile phones in order to uncover the truth. We can only dream.

Then again perhaps it's more straight forward. Maybe he just told his manager Nigel Pearson that he was a boring cunt with a head like a turnip?

Paraguay and Venezuela have a fight

Fashion, the price of petrol, David Beckham's haircut. These things are always changing. One thing thankfully, that will never change is South American football. It will always be absolutely mental.

Paraguay defeated Venezuela 5-3 on penalties in the Copa America semi-final and will play Uruguay in the final. But nobody cares about that. What has been making the news is the massive fight that followed the end of the game. South American players are usually coked up and filled with testosterone. This often results in wild tackles, red cards and the occasional assault charge. By coke I mean coca-cola of course. That should be enough to avoid a pesky lawsuit.

What is with footballers? Why can't they just punch each other? They always end up up trying to slap or kick each other. As a result it ends up with full grown men looking like five year old girls having a stand off with a swarm of bees. Don't worry the brawl was soon brought under control and only three people died. Slightly under the average for a game of football in South America.


Thursday, 21 July 2011

Sanchez signs for Barcelona

Alexis Sanchez will have a medical for Barcelona and sign a five year contract on Monday. For £23m. I don't get it.

He's 22. He is brilliant. He didn't cost £50m. He isn't English. Now I get it. Alexis Sanchez was one of the most sought after young footballers in football today. Therefore he had to sign for Barcelona. If you are a good footballer and you have the choice of signing for anyone, you might as well choose the best team in the universe. They even beat the Zorlock XI from the Gelsek nebula. We all remember that match. Playing for the safety of planet Earth. It seemed destined for penalties before Iniesta scored the winning goal in extra time. Afterwards the entire Zorlock team was marched to the top of the Mount Dutak volcano and thrown into the lava for disgracing their planet. Will Smith was quick to praise the efforts of the Barcelona squad, having himself defeated an alien race and saved planet Earth back in 1996.

Alert the police. Messi and Sanchez are going be raping all over Europe next season.

Yup. Definitely drunk.

Jo is still alive

Those of you searching for Brazilian forward Jo, search no more.  He has been found at Internacional, in Brazil.

The world-wide hunt has been going for a few seasons now but Mark Hughes' first signing for City has successfully completed a transfer back to his native land.  To be honest I could have put any picture in the world here and most people still wouldn't know that it wasn't a jpeg of Jo.  He's only 24, which is something else I didn't know, and remember that he cost £18 million about two years ago which is about £80 billion in this season's money.  So there you go.  Jo had to go and now you know.

Shaun Wright-Phillips has still got it

Remember when Shaun Wright Phillips decided he wanted to score from 30 yards and then he'd shoot and just score from 30 yards?

In The Stands spotted a goal from Man City's pre-season friendlies, this one against Vancouver.  I'm not sure if it counts scoring a wonder goal against Vancouver - that's sort of like playing football with 15 year olds just to make yourself feel a bit better.  Except in my case they end up skinning you, are already much stronger than you and remind you of it afterwards in the school that you work.  You suddenly realise that you are now 'an adult' and face an up-hill struggle to not become fat and old so I think that the most important thing to take away about this goal is that City's new away strip is awesome.

After the game Mancini put Wright-Phillips back in his original packaging and then on ebay.

Ben Arfa is broken again

Newcastle United have an atrocious record with unlucky injuries and considering they still don't have any real strikers and want to use a certain French forward until they buy one, it's going to be difficult to score any goals when he's in the treatment room.

The 24 year old had the joyous task of being stretchered off about 20 minutes into Newcastle's opening game of their 'tour' of the USA and was sent to hospital.  Alan Pardew doesn't think it's too serious so let's all relax because I'm sure he's going to sign a great striker before the start of the season, maybe he can sign Ronaldo and put him on the bench for half a season because he isn't ready yet.

Even worse for Newcastle is that Joey Barton, Yohan Cabeye and Nile Ranger have all been denied visas to play in America for attacking people, not paying a dentist and for arms offences.  And by arms I mean guns, not for having ugly arms or anything like that.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Chelsea actually bid for Lukaku

Twitter has ruined the transfer window. It seems every nerd with with a smart phone or computer is "in the know" when it comes to transfers. If you are bored you can start a rumour such as "Just heard from a reliable source that Nelson Mandela is signing for Dunfermline" give it a #tag and watch it grow legs and before you know it, it's on the BBC gossip column. Imagine my relief when I read that Chelsea have made a real bid, with real money for Romelu Lukaku.

Lukaku is 18. Yes that specimen in the above photo is 18. He comes from Belgium where they actually have birth certificates. Must admit I felt slightly racist when I researched him (googled) to see if he was born in Africa. You know how it goes. Born in Africa. Move to Europe when you are 25 but claim to be 14. Sign for a professional club. When they ask for your birth certificate, just shrug your shoulders.

Multiple sources are reporting this bid so we should be seeing this 6ft 4" unit in the Premier League next year. Unless he wants to stay in Anderlecht drinking beer and eating chocolate. Shit I'll move to Belgium, it sounds awesome. They even invented the French fry. The second best fry after Stephen. On the downside the locals do dress like this.

Perhaps they are a Simon Weston fan club? If you don't know who he is, I suggest you search him. Voice your disgust by emailing

Goalline techonology might actually be used

Perhaps the men in charge of all things football are not idiotic, cretinous, cave dwelling creatures after all. Richard Scudamore the chief executive of the Premier League is hoping to introduce goalline technology into the league as early as the 2012-2013 season.

Football's powers that be have almost prided themselves on the fact that unlike other sports, football does not use technology. They seem to think that it will slow the game down and that the technology could get out of hand. Before we know it players are wearing jetpacks and defenders are using lasers to shoot at attackers.That actually sounds quite good to me.

Hawkeye is seen as the solution to the old problem of did the ball actually cross the line. Hawkeye involves having a trained peregrine falcon sat on the cross bar of each goal. If the ball crosses the line he flies over to the 4th official and lands on his giant protective glove. Once the hawk has landed a hooter is sounded and the goal is officially awarded. Early trials have been a resounding success. At first they tried using eagles but the phrase "the eagle has landed" was copyrighted.

If you don't agree that goalline technology is a good thing, then you are an idiot.