Saturday, 30 April 2011

Mick McCarthy knows the Wolves are at the door....

Mick McCarthy's Wolves are staring relegation in the face and big Mick wants his team to string a few wins together so he can finally go to the toilet in peace.

1.21 gigawatts?

"I have sat on the toilet and dwelt on it, and stood at the toilet and dwelt on it. It has never left me," he said.
 "It's just that nagging sore, but I have not found a lotion that can salve it."
Yup poor Mick McCarthy is so worried about the trouble his club are in that he can't even find any serenity whilst sat on the throne. Perhaps Mick actually just has a medical problem, he doesn't seem intelligent enough for metaphor or symbolism, I think he literally means that he is so stressed out from being the manager of a horrible club in a horrible city that he has actually developed hemorrhoids.

There are so many rubbish teams in the Premier League, Stoke, Blackburn, Wolves, Birmingham, West Ham, Wigan, West Brom,  Sunderland, in fact pretty much every team outside the top six. Manchester United are going to win the league as probably the worst champions of all time. La Liga is full of precious tarts who when touched dive to the ground and call for oxygen masks and stretchers and Serie A is so corrupt that it doesn't even count as a real league anymore. 

I'm going to start watching the Bundesliga, lots of goals, full of Football Manager legendary players and crazy fans. Bottom of the table St Pauli even have a sausage train, yes they actually have a miniature train that goes around delivering sausages to hungry fans, if you pay for VIP you also get your own personal beer tap. God I love Germany, don't worry about those two little wars you started, I wasn't even alive.

Fabregas to Barcelona..........again

It's almost the end of the season and of course as expected, all the media are reporting that Cesc Fabregas wants a return to his boyhood club Barcelona

Barcelona are preparing another swoop for Fabregas at the end of the season, though president Sandro Rosell insists the Spanish giants will not improve on their £35million bid last summer.

I am so incredibly bored of this story. Just go already, for about three years now you spend half the season moping around the pitch looking like you don't want to be there and the other half noising up about how Arsenal aren't good enough. Please go now, I will even pay for your ticket, you attention seeking little Spanish puta.

Without a doubt a happy and fully fit Fabregas is probably (ok definitely) the best central midfielder in Britain and perhaps one of the best in the world but I've had enough Cesc, if you're reading this, I think you're awesome but you're like one of those shit people that live around me, constantly saying you are going to go traveling and see the world but actually you are never leaving Tesco and you will be drinking at your local every weekend, sleeping with fake tanned horrible slags and yet somehow remain full of your own sense of self-importance.

As I'm sure you know, Cesc is a big fan of fitbathatba so no doubt these words will cut deeply.

Friday, 29 April 2011

Everyone hates Andy Townsend

ITV "pundit" Andy Townsend claimed he was threatened by an angry mob of Real Madrid fans who mistook him for German refereee Wolfgang Stark

Andy Townsend pretending he's Irish

From that racist paper for morons the Daily Mail -
‘Then people came up to me, talking aggressively in Spanish and there was a man shouting at me from the other side of the restaurant. It was all getting out of control.

‘Then it dawned on me. Because I still had my UEFA accreditation around my neck they thought I was the referee. To them I was Wolfgang Stark! So I had to turn around and tell them I was from English television.’
Surely this is nothing new for Andy Townsend, if I saw him at a restaurant I would instantly become angry and probably start shouting at him as well. It's bad enough when his smug face is all over my television screen but imagine going out for a lovely meal at a fancy restaurant and being sat next to Andy Townsend AND Adrian Chiles. I'm surprised there wasn't a murder.

Townsend who spent his footballing career pretending to be Irish, said that one Madrid fan gave him a plant pot. Not being too familiar with Spanish culture I can only assume this is a show of disdain. I prefer to send him my excrament via the Royal Mail. Maybe I am being too harsh on Townsend, after reading his wikipedia page, I see that he ran the Great North Run in 2007 and he was once stopped by the police for shooting wild animals on a "hunting expedition" with Paul Gascoigne. That would be the best television show of all time.

Asamoah is Gyan to Spurs maybe

The Sun says that Tottenham want to make a *shock* move for Ghanaian Asamoah Gyan when the transfer window opens:

SunSport understands the hitman is on Harry Redknapp's shortlist as he prepares for the transfer window to open.
Redknapp will look to shake up his striking options and is a big fan of the former Rennes star.
Gyan arrived on Wearside at the start of the season for £13million but has taken time to settle.
He has struggled along with the rest of the Black Cats after Christmas bagging 11 goals in 30 games.
There has been no contact between the two clubs though Gyan is fully aware of Tottenham's interest and would welcome a move to London.
It's a real rags to riches story for this Sunderland player; living in a 3rd world environment, people around him begging for simple needs like food, shelter and even education just so they have the chance to be literate.  Before that he lived in Ghana.  There's no mention of the word 'swoop' here so I'm not sure just exactly how much sunsport really understands but I understand that unless a club swoops for a player they probably won't sign them and that bird of prey related verbs are necessary in the Premier League.  Spurs have also been linked with a swoop for Didier Drogba, who last season was pretty much the best out and out striker in the world but this season is a bit meh.  Asamoah Gyan was last season pretty meh but then he scored a couple of goals at the world cup and now he's still a bit meh.  Arry's a real wheeler dealer

Footballer kills owl in panama / wtf

A footballer who goes by the name of Luis Moreno and looks like this (according to Google):

has been fined a whole bunch of Pesos for literally kicking an owl. On the pitch.  The Daily Mail says:

The city's Office for the Environment (DAMAB) slapped a 26.78 million Colombian peso (£9,080) fine, equivalent to 50 times Colombia's minimum wage, on Moreno on Wednesday. 
Moreno will also have to meet costs of 600,000 pesos for treatment of the owl, which died two days after the kicking incident, make a public apology to the city and do community work at the local zoo, DAMAB director Humberto Mendoza told the local daily newspaper El Tiempo. 
Arsene Wenger hasn't been in the news for the past couple of days either so I really hope the two things aren't related.  Moreno actually kicked the owl after it was hit by a football during a Colombian football match, and though my knowledge of Columbia, owls, and football for that matter, is very limited, what I do know is that you don't want to piss off the people who live there.  Still, I know a few people who have always wanted to work in a zoo and it's really, really hard to get a job there.  The last qualification I and they would have thought you'd need was 'experienced owl kicker' but like I said, I don't know everything.  I mean, who do you think I am, Ross Kemp?

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Wyne Roonees fone gt hkd

Fat ogre Wayne Rooney, who is the same age as me but with 100% more children, found out that The News of the World hacked his phone.  BBC Sport says:

Rooney wrote on Twitter: "Scotland Yard detectives came to see me earlier and showed me some documents. Looks like a newspaper have hacked into my phone."
Scotland Yard said it was unable to confirm a meeting had taken place but that it was "up to him" what he wrote.
The paper has admitted phone hacking celebrities between 2004 and 2006.
Rooney also tweeted: "Gonna get my lawyers to deal with phone hacking until end of season. So I can focus on helping MUFC win trophies. Thx for all ur support."
This is just awful.  I hope no one has bugged my phone just now - or my computer!  If they both go tits up at least I have my Playstation to keep me going, those guys at Sony are really safe.  Interestingly I keep receiving emails about how to maintain erections all of a sudden but of course I have no need for those, and neither does my girlfriend, who seems to spend a lot of time crying these days.  It's probably that time of the month, huh guys?  I guarantee that somewhere some other football blog is making a joke about Rooney texting grannies his desire to shag them and so I'd like to just take this opportunity to point out that a millionaire, who is the same age as me and has a child, has paid a prostitute who is more than old enough to be a grandmother, to bang him.  To underline this point, none of that is libellous.

Rangers fans are banned

Glasgow Rangers, a thoroughly reputable team supported by bright and respectable football fans, have been banned from having anyone support them in their next away match in Europe for sectarian singing.  That's people in 2011 still singing songs about religion at a football match.

Somewhat unfairly I have a biased opinion against Rangers for a few reasons: the first is because I am from Aberdeen, the 2nd is because I have a brain and my own thoughts to go with it and the 3rd is because I haven't beaten up anyone in my own family yet.  Rangers have also been fined 40,000 euros which equates to about 80,000 sausage rolls from Greggs or 20,000 breach of the peace fines.  The BBC says:
In a statement on the Rangers website, chief executive Martin Bain said: "We are bitterly disappointed that our club has been placed in a position where we are subjected to these kind of sanctions by Uefa.

He continued blaming the fine on those 'damn fenians' and then paid tribute to the queen; the ruling monarch of a country that on International matches he will attest to 'hate because they always talk about 1966'.


Dalglish wants criminals in Liverpool / oxymoron

According to the Daily Mail, Liverpool want to sign everyone's favourite reformed criminal 'Joey Barton' - that same gentleman found guilty of beating a man half to death outside McDonalds, stubbing a cigar out in a young man's eyes and kicking the absolute shit out of a certain Mr Dabo while they were both players at Man City:

Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish is considering a £5million move for Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton.
Dalglish has long followed the 28-year-old's progress and, while he recognises such a move would be controversial, he believes Barton's ability merits serious consideration.
Dalglish wants to bring in around six signings this summer, with Blackburn's Phil Jones, Blackpool's Charlie Adam, Aston Villa's Ashley Young and Stewart Downing and Ipswich's Connor Wickham among his targets. 
He is keen to return a strong British identity to the squad and sees room for Barton's feisty style.
 I can see nothing that can go wrong in this story.  Barton is obviously a reformed character now who would never lay a hand on anyone, except for when he punched Morten Gamst Pederson some time this season, and as my friend Jesus says, you have to learn to forgive and forget.  I expect Jesus was never beaten up by an inebriated scouser outside a fast food restaurant so this lesson may not be applicable here... but then again I haven't read the bible because it's all bollocks anyway.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Remember when Stephen Ireland was good?

It wasn't too long ago that Stephen Ireland was absolutely brilliant. These days he cannot even get a game for Newcastle and news came in today that he is out for the season. Probably ruining any chance he had of making his loan move (from Aston Villa) a permanent one.

Ireland, showing off his exquisite taste in the above photograph, is a renowned mentalist with a major attitude problem. However after reading some of his quotes, he is someone I think I would get on with really well. He famously pulled out an Ireland game saying his Grandma had died, of course she hadn't. After getting busted he claimed it was actually his paternal Grandmother who had died, again this wasn't true. Not to be perturbed, he then claimed his Grandfather had divorced and it was his second wife who died.............also lies.

Some of the best quotes
"going away for three days to play Andorra? I've got better things to do"
"when you're Irish, you know you're never going to win the world cup" 
 "live in Cork? I might as well shoot myself. I prefer Los Angeles"
So Ireland will soon be back to Aston Villa, where Houllier absolutely hates him, so unless Houllier dies, which isn't too unlikely, chances are he will be released. Rumour has it that he is going to start a new career as a gangster rapper and move to South Central. A rumour I started.


El Classico part 942 was played tonight and Messi scored both goals to give Barcelona a 2-0 victory over Real Madrid

After successfully managing to drag the reputation of El Classico through the dirt in the last two games, Mourinho's men set about kicking their way to a result again tonight. The first half was just a terrible game of football and it was strange to watch Real Madrid fouling the opposition every time they defended and simply hoofing the ball as far away as possible when they finally did get it. Barcelona finished the game with 77% possession.

Half time gave us all a rest from the disgusting game we had been enduring and we were treated to a playground style brawl. It seemed to stem from the Madrid coaches telling the Barcelona substitute goalkeeper that he had terrible hair, which is fair enough really,  no white man should have corn-rolls.

Eventually the referee just got bored of the constant fouling and decided he simply had to send off someone. Unfortunately for Pepe, it was him, leaving Madrid with 10 men.......again.

As expected these days, Messi thankfully saved the day with two goals to add to his tally of 200 for the season. His second goal came after dribbling straight round and through about four or five Madrid players. He needs to be banned, as discussed before he is clearly being controlled by some fat Asian kid somewhere. Probably this guy

Man Invades Pitch on Wheelchair. Really.

A man called Derry Felton invaded the pitch at Northampton Town against Rotherham in a wheelchair the other night, and you couldn't ask for a more glamourous tie than that.

Felton, who is quadriplegic, was watching his beloved Cobblers when they scored a late equaliser against Rotherham which could help the club avoid relegation from League Two.
After evading security, the 18-year-old found himself at the centre of attention when the crowd cleared and he was stuck on the half-way line at the Sixfields stadium without any cover.
But rather than escort him directly off the field Felton was allowed to take the scenic route toward the far end of the pitch. 

It's nice to know that equal rights exist in this world so it will be good to finally hear what happens to this trouble maker once they throw him in the slammer.  They only gave him a wheelchair when he told them he "couldn't wait to go and see Northampton Town play" and they realised he was mentally challenged.   I'm only joking, he's actually disabled.  Furthermore, he's obviously quite dangerous since he managed to "evade security".  How do you evade security on a 5 mph motorised chair?  Were they sleeping in the room opposite his prison cell and he had to use a broom stick to carefully lift the keys out of the guard's pocket?  Just to make this story even more heartwarming, if you actually watch the video on YouTube of the event you can hear people laughing at a man in a wheelchair getting stuck in the middle of a football pitch, and that's all Felton wanted all along - to make the world laugh.

Sven Goran Erkisson is a genius / idiot savant

Sexy Swede Sven has been given a £10 million 'war chest' to spend in the Summer which will presumably be spent on Emile Heskey, prostitutes and gagging orders to the press.  Oh, it turns out one of those is actually is true:

Sven Goran Eriksson has been given a £10million-plus transfer budget to mount a Premier League push at Leicester.
The Foxes’ Thai owners are ready to sanction a move for old boy Emile Heskey (right), who will be allowed to leave Aston Villa. Eriksson has also been cleared to make a push for a marquee goalkeeper – with Manchester City’s Shay Given at the top of his list.

In all seriousness, if my employer made £10 million available to buy players for my club, I would sooner invest the money resurrecting Marc Vivian Foes decaying skeleton before I let Emile Heskey charge around the pitch.  If he's a free transfer or £500,000 then great, nice work Sven, but the whole point of paying money for a striker is that he scores goals and the only one of Heskey's goals I can remember is that one against Germany where he did the golf putting celebration.  He's probably scored more, but the more I type, the more I can't help but notice Sven looks like a cross between Dr Robotnik and Mr Mackie from South Park.  And the more I think about that, the more I think about how he managed to get Ulrika Johnson to also take her clothes off when he took his clothes off.  Is he the greatest con man of all time?  He manages to convince millionaire chairmen to invest in Emile Heskey and make hot swedish milfs do things to him.  Allegedly.

Andrey Arshavin is probably moving home. Simples

Tiny Russian, Mr Arshavin, is going to be shipped off to Zenit St Petersburg to command the communist uprising against the evil west.  Or possibly just to play football for them, who knows?!

From The Daily Mirror:

Andrey Arshavin could be on his way back to Zenit St Petersburg this summer.
The Russian club have confirmed they would happily take the striker off Arsenal’s hands if the Gunners decide to sell him.
Zenit’s sporting director Igor Korneev said: “Zenit’s doors are always open for Andrey.
“If his situation at Arsenal does not improve and he’s not comfortable in London, we can study this issue in time for next season.”

And what a terrible situation he must be in in London; one of the world's most bustling and diverse cities, earning £80,000 a week, occasionally playing football for one of the slickest sporting outfits there is, especially when compared to the luxurious utopia and always scorchingly hot nation of Russia; a place so incredibly depressed that even Jason Bourne looked bored.  Arshavin is similar in ways to Euro 96 syndrome players like Karel Poborsky that played amazingly in an International tournament, got their pay check and then decided they would like to be somewhere else.  The Russian forward was linked with Barcelona a year or two ago, but then they bought David Villa, who is a little better.  Perhaps this is what fuelled his hatred for the capitalist pigs and the whole fiasco has been a spy mission!  Alert the prime minister, the Kremlin march at midnight.  Or something else verging on the edge of racism.

Mourinho is the coolest man ever part 2

Jose Mourinho has finally managed to crack Pep Guardiola after less than a season in charge of Real Madrid.  The Portuguese wind up king has been creeping sly little digs into his post and pre match speeches of late and now Barcelona's boss has done 'a Keegan':

BBC Sport:
In an unusual outburst for the normally laid-back Guardiola, the Spaniard retorted: "He's the [expletive] boss.
"He's the [expletive] master and I can't compete with him at any instant." 
This was in response to this incredibly sarcastic quote from Mourinho:

"Up to now we have had two types of coaches. A very small group of coaches who never speak to the referees.
"After that, there is a bigger group, of whom I am one, who criticise the referees when they make huge errors. But it is also a group who are happy to highlight the good work of the referee.
"And now, with the declaration of Pep the other day, we are entering a new era with a third group, which for the moment includes only him, who criticise the correct decision of the referee.
"This is something I have never seen in the world of football."

What a hero.  Jose loves nothing better than to make everyone else lose their head while he just chills out grabbing a few z's / winning trophies  He makes people argue with him in the exact same way that I would annoy my sisters until they were riled enough to wail 'MUUUUUUUUUM!!!' - which is sort of  essentially what Guardiola is doing.  Don't get me wrong, Pep makes Barca play the best football in the world but once you do the keegan it's a slippery slope and I don't think his Mum is going to come down and order him to put those heads back on his sister's dolls.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Lower league football - Lower class fans

Bury won the League 2 Championship yesterday and their goalkeeper took a punch in the face for his troubles

Bury were playing Chesterfield in a top of the table clash, which Bury won 3-2 to claim the title. Chesterfield scored an early goal and a few fans celebrated the goal in traditional style by running onto the pitch to give the goalkeeper the fingers and punch him in the face.

So many things about this story annoy me. Firstly, the fact there are people who actually care about League 2 football. Secondly, these people care enough to run onto the pitch and punch a goalkeeper. Thirdly, these kids look about 13-14, why are they out watching lower league football when they should be hanging around bus stops, drinking Buckfast, smoking Lambert & Butler cigarettes they have stolen and having unprotected sex?

What's upsetting me the most about this story is the way these kids look. When did CHAVS or NEDS stop dressing in Burberry, with white socks tucked into tracksuit trousers? If they are dressing like normal people how do we know who to avoid in our daily lives? One of the guys in that photo has plugs in his ears and his mate is wearing a checked shirt, that is not what I would associate with the young thug look. Thankfully at a young age, I chose the option of judging and hating everyone, just to be safe. Fitbathatba 1, everyone else 0.

Twitter - Serious Business

Keyboard warriors were out in force over the weekend. Darron Gibson of Manchester United decided to delete his Twitter account just a few hours after it's creation because of all the abuse he received.

Despite spelling his name Darron, rather than the real way Darren. I do feel a bit sorry for Gibson. Surely he isn't stupid enough to think he wouldn't get some insults but he surely didn't think the majority of them would be from his own fans.
"You're a one trick pony - a s*** one at that. What Fergie sees in you I don't know."
"Nothing would make me happier than if we sold you this summer. You're probably a nice bloke, but an awful footballer."

Are just a few examples, there were of course about another thousand "you are shit LOL" posts. Let's put some things into perspective. Darron Gibson is a professional football for one of the best clubs in the world, he will be making probably £20k a week, he will be sleeping with the best looking (and least intelligent) women in Manchester every weekend. His abusers are most likely 15 year old spotty twats with 3 inch penises who can't even kick a real football and who's only social interaction is playing Call of Duty online with other 15 year old spotty twats with 3 inch penises.

It blows my mind that Gibson actually cared what some fat virgins from the land of internet said on his Twitter.  I'd have just replied with a video of me sat there getting blown by some vacuous but hot glamour model, with a chef cooking me up a steak in the kitchen, as I scored a goal with Darron Gibson on FIFA11 and of course watched the replay 1000 times until the angry internet nerds exploded with rage.

Oh Ribery? (rly)

Sir Alex Ferguson will continue the trend of Man Utd signing players for billions of £ this Summer by bringing in the very handsome, Frank Ribery, according to

Manchester United are reportedly planning an ambitious move to lure Bayern Munichplaymaker Franck Ribery to Old Trafford. Sir Alex Ferguson has long been an admirer of the French international and is keen to bring in more goalscoring options to his midfield and will feel that the poor season the Bundesliga side have experienced and the sacking of manager Louis Van Gaal may convince the talented wide man to leave Bavaria this summer.

There's no mention of any source, let alone any direct quotes in that story so take it with a pinch of salt.  It also doesn't mention where Ribery plans on relocating his evil castle to within Manchester, and how he intends on transporting the other evil creatures and minions that serve him through customs.  He looks like someone created him in a laboratory in the 40s:

Try defending against that without being dressed head to toe in body armour and brandishing a sword, or as Gary Neville calls it, 'a moustache'.  £40 million please

Monday, 25 April 2011

Where is Joe Cole?

After a bit of searching I managed to track down his whereabouts to Liverpool's bench and apparently he won't even be there for much longer.  The always accurate The Sun says:

JOE COLE will be dumped by Liverpool in the summer.

The former England playmaker, 29, has struggled to make an impact at Anfield since signing on a free from Chelsea last July.
Kop flop Cole has started just eight league games this season and now the Reds are ready to cut their losses on the £100,000-a-week star.
A Liverpool insider said: "It's tough on Joe because he is a great kid. But things just haven't worked out for him.

 I remember when Joe Cole had the world at his feet - he was a champ legend, played in that position just behind the strikers where he could control a game and he was really young with loads of time to get even better.  Then all of a sudden he was 27 and he hadn't actually done anything except score a really good goal for England in a world cup or euro championship or something.  Have I been asleep?  He has won 3 Premiership titles and a couple of FA Cups, but I get the feeling he was just sort of in the squad for those and didn't really have too much of an impact.  Did he though?  He might have done?  Steven Gerrard thinks he's 'better than messi' so I just don't really know what's going on.  Where are my shoes?  WHAT IS MY NAME?!?!?!

Mario Balotelli is a legend

I absolutely love this guy.  The Sun has a story today about the mad striker having had his car impounded 27 separate times:

MADCAP MARIO BALOTELLI has notched up nearly £10,000 in parking fines and had his luxury car impounded 27 TIMES, The Sun can reveal.

The Manchester City star has left liaison officers at the club tearing their hair out as they have had to go back time and time again to reclaim his Maserati.
The £100,000-a-week Italian striker has had an average of three parking tickets a DAY since he signed for the Premier League club last year.
A source at the club said: "Mario will drive from his luxury apartment to a restaurant a few streets away and leave the car on double yellows.
"The other week the Maserati misfired so he just abandoned it. Staff have had to bail it out 27 times.
"The valet the club uses empties the glovebox of tickets every time he cleans it. Mario doesn't seem to care. It's a drop in the ocean to him."

As if he couldn't give any less of a fuck, the story then says:

The source added: "Mario was pulled over by the police and he had £25,000 cash on the passenger seat. They asked him why and he said, 'Because I can'. He doesn't care much for authority."

I defy anyone in the world to not find that cool.  Not only do you have to be enough of an idiot to carry 25 grand around with you in your passenger seat but you also have to have the balls to tell a policeman that you're only doing it because you can.  You know, why wouldn't I be carrying around 25 grand IN CASH just scooping about till I fancy a big mac.  It would be like if I were to be in my living room with 2 cans of coke, not 1, then my Mum is all like 'why do you have 2?' and I'm all 'because I can, Mum.  Ahhhhhhhh yeh!'

I think it might be cooler if I didn't currently live with my parents

Sunday, 24 April 2011

No way Jose! Oh actually, time for Jose B

That's an awful headline.  Jose Enrique is basically almost definitely leaving Newcastle in the Summer and is probably heading to Liverpool or Bayern Munich. But wait... what's that on the horizon?  Alan Pardew.... saying Jose is hear to say?

The Daily Mirror says:

Toon boss Alan Pardew, already in a fight to hang on to key midfielder Joey Barton, is facing up to the fact that top scorer Kevin Nolan is now a target for West Ham.

Pardew said about a week ago that 'he isn't leaving', which then turned into 'there is no deal in place' (despite the fact that there is according to Phil Thompson).  Enrique is a pretty decent left back so whatever, I'd leave a club managed by someone new every 6 weeks as well and I'd definitely leave one managed by 'I'll relegate you' Alan Pardew.  Actually I'm being harsh, Alan did promise that Andy Carroll wouldn't be moving and that worked out alright.  Expect Jose to move for £300 million in July

Messi is quite good at football

Lionel Messi continued to defy the laws of the world and scored his 50th goal of this campaign for Barcelona on Saturday.  In spain!  That's in Europe.

Jose Mourinho has demanded that Messi has to play next season wearing a bin liner to make things fairer.  The theory is that if he can't see where he is, nor run, he probably can't score as many goals unless those growth hormones he was gorging on as a youth have given him super powers.  He might actually be like Super Man in that awful teen drama where he plays american football and is really, really good but just doesn't run as fast as he could, because 800mph is faster than young adults usually run and people would start to question it.  If you start seeing flying saucers floating around Spain it's Messi's home planet telling him to fucking wise up before the humans realise that the things he's doing shouldn't be possible.  I'm on to you Lionel!

Arsenal win runner up medals again

Good old Arsenal's capitulation at the end of this Premier League season is spectacular - and funny!

Arsenal decided not to attack, score, attack, score, attack and then defend, concede, defend, concede then give up and instead sat back passing the ball around until Bolton scored!  The score finished 2-1 with a few yellow cards either side, and 8 men left dead in Arsenal's dressing room after Wenger went Chris Benoit on their asses.  It can only be a matter of time...

Old Firm set for explosive game

A heated contest between Scotland's only 2 club teams for the 24th time this season is about to happen in Glasgow this afternoon!  Oooooh I just cannot wait!  Oh no, wait, I'm having a stroke

In fairness, despite the fact that I really would rather watch any other football game in the world, this game has added heat because people are trying to blow up Celtic managers and fans which doesn't normally happen.  When I was at school most of the other kids supported Rangers and Manchester United because those were the teams that won stuff, even though they were born and brought up in Aberdeen.  It was absolutely infuriating.  At some point more kids started following Celtic and now here we are today where I can walk into any pub to watch this match and it will be filled with people whose 'family supported them' who know absolutely nothing about the game, yet still sing songs (in private now) about celebrating the deaths of other humans and how those blasted catholics, or protestants or whatever the fuck it is they believe in are to blame for it all.  Unless you are a child, you should have grown out of believing in a god by now - if you or all your friends just hadn't ever been told that santa wasn't real you'd still believe in him now.  If you bring religion in to a game of football you are a retard and should be put down.  Not all old firm fans are as stupid as this, but an awful lot of them are.

If this game happened twice a year I might care, but 7 times?  Really?  7 times?

Torres is happy / scores a goal

World Cup winner Fernando Torres finally scored his first goal for Chelsea yesterday to help them towards a 3-0 win over relegation bound West Ham:

Fernando Torres expressed relief after scoring his first goal for Chelsea in Saturday's 3-0 victory over West Ham.
On his 14th outing since a £50m move from Liverpool in January, the Spain striker ended a 903-minute drought for club and country.
"It was not beginning I was expecting when I signed, but it's never easy when you arrive in January at a massive team like this," a delighted Torres said.
"There's less pressure for me now, now I can enjoy it."
So the chirpy Spaniard has probably helped send the miserable Jew down to the championship.  Not even time-travelling detective Scott Parker can save them now!  Unless they win next week and the other relegation teams lose or draw, in which case they are out of the relegation zone.  What will happen next?!  (West Ham will get relegated)

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Jeremy Menez - good in FM but good enough for the Prem?

After doing my rounds at the rumour mill this morning, I heard that Football Manager 08 legend Jeremy Menez may very well be heading for Engerland this summer.

After defat at home to Inter 1-0 in the first leg of the Italian Cup, Menez had a "furious bust up" with coach and Roma legend Vicenzo Montella which did not go down too well with revered supporters group Roma Ultras. Roma's Ultras are a bit different to the ones I knew at Aberdeen, who spent their time meeting up for tea and scones and discussing how to decorate Pittodrie. Roma Ultras like stabbing people and throwing stones.

Leaving the ground Menez's car windscreen was smashed in with rocks. In Britain we just call players names and make up chants, the Ultras all too familiar with the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", instead go for flares, petrol bombs, knives, bricks and the odd stick or two.

Menez, understandably wants to leave because the Roma fans are a bit mental. From the always reliable Daily Mail-
'My departure is possible. I have been playing here for three years, but in order to do well I have to feel people have confidence in me and that I’m important for the club. 
'I haven’t been given anywhere near as much help as others here. I want them to understand that Roma will regret their decisions down the line.'

Italian Media are suggesting interest from Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal and Spurs, I guess I count as the media so I'm going to throw in Plymouth Argyle and Raith Rovers into the mix.

Dutch Goalkeeper........of weed

Gino Coutinho, a professional Goal Keeper for ADO Den Haag in Holland and owner of an extremely cool name, has been on trial for owning a large cannabis farm.

Gino (he even sounds like a gangster) is living up to his name by also being accused of involvement in money laundering and forgery.  His father William has already been sentenced for two years for the same thing so at last he is making his Dad proud.  Allegedly.  

Coutinho is going down the good old tried and tested method of telling the police has has nothing to do with the business of farming marijuana plants and has no idea what's going on, despite the warehouse being registered in his name and that fact he was actually there with his girlfriend when the Police arrived.  It doesn't work when you are 13 years old and your Mum catches you stealing money from her purse so chances are it definitely won't work when your Dad is already convicted and you are caught on site with 4,200 plants.  By the police.  Sorry Gino, I got grounded so you are probably going to jail.

Romelu Lukaku looks like this

image shamelessly pinched from google

There you go.  Every club in the world with any money want to sign him, today's rumours point towards a move to the Premier League according to talkSPORT, and judging by this first look of him, I can only imagine that he will move to Chelsea.  This kid is 17 and has already scored 36 goals in 64 games for Anderlecht.  When I was 17 I used to play pool with my Dad and go pint to pint with him - I would lose every time at both games and get really, really pissed.  We also played with this guy who was in a wheelchair who was significantly better at pool than me, but he did have more practise because he was 50 odd.

To summarise:  when I was 17 I used to get really pissed and lose at pool to a disabled man.  Romelu Lukaku scores goals at a high professional level and will be, if not already is, a millionaire.  But who's better at drinking now?  Yeh, I'll have the last laugh Lukaku.

John Terry spends his money at a club on children

Home wrecker and hilarious penalty taker, John Terry, spent an undisclosed amount of money to secure the future of his boy-hood club:

The BBC reports:

The defender donated an undisclosed amount to Senrab in Tower Hamlets, east London, so it can continue to train its young footballers.
Other Premier League stars including Ledley King and Jermain Defoe also played for Senrab as youngsters.
But the club's existence was threatened due to increasing costs for training facilities.

This is actually quite a nice thing to do so I can't have a real go at Terry here.  It's nice to see someone spend their money to help other people do the same things they have, so soon he might donate some money towards the Wayne Bridge Foundation for heart-break or he could even help the family of that goalkeeper that killed himself because *potentially libellous text removed*.

He's the England Captain, you know.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Houllier still not dead, having a rest

Gerard Houllier is out for the rest of the season according to the Daily Express, and to be honest, it's probably a good thing because as much as some people like football, it's quite important to be alive to enjoy it fully:

GERARD HOULLIER is not expected to be on the touchline again this season after his health scare, but Aston Villa insist his job will remain open. 
Houllier, 63, was rushed to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham late on Wednesday night complaining of chest pains and will remain under observation over Easter, with assistant Gary McAllister to take charge of tomorrow’s home game against Stoke.
It is not yet clear whether Houllier’s illness was heart-related, but Villa are determined to give him as much time as he requires to make a full recovery.
Houllier joins Joe Kinnear in the 'people who have heart problems shouldn't manage football clubs' category.  Expect Arsene Wenger to join this list at some point, or perhaps appear in a mental asylum if Arsenal don't win any trophies next year.  I have never seen a man look as stressed out in my life and someone from the country of water bottles should tell him to stop taking it out on them.  "Yes Mr Wenger, all the referees are out to get you, now take this bottle to throw around and have a nice lie down.  Don't worry, your team will be ok, Paul Ince is taking charge while you are resting".

I think I would literally have a heart attack or at least some sort of brain haemorrhage if Paul Ince did actually get the Arsenal job tbf

Scott Parker is from the 50s/won award

Everyone's mate, Scott Parker, has won the prestigious football writer's award:

Parker is one of those players that plays really well for clubs that are being relegated but just doesn't cut it at good teams.  He was good at Newcastle, invisible at Chelsea, great at Charlton and he pretty much carries West Ham but still the best thing about him is his darkest secret and knowledge of time travel.  Lurked in the depths of his basement is a time portal allowing Parker to travel back to his native 50s where he solves crimes and advocates prohibition.  I'll get you beer baron!

Michael Owen is :( at Newcastle fans

Money sucking injury king, Michael Owen, has been whinging on Twitter about being booed by Newcastle fans at one of his rare appearances at St James Park:

From the BBC:
The former Magpies man was jeered when he came on after 81 minutes.
Owen said on Twitter: "Got a poor reception off the home fans which was disappointing. Was desperate to score!"
He added: "Knew I would get booed as that's what a lot of fans do but if they knew the facts then they may have a different opinion."

There was a player called Joseba Etxeberria who played 50 times for Spain and in the last year of his career he played for FREE to make up for the time he'd spent injured whilst being paid for the club.  That's a millionaire footballer playing for free.  For his testimonial he made Athletico Bilbao play against 100 children (don't bother you-tubing it because it's boring to watch) and is just generally a good guy.  Here, Michael Owen isn't sure why some fans might not like a player who jumps ship the minute he sees greener grass, or more money.  In fairness, playing in the Championship probably isn't the most fun thing in the world, but you might feel slightly responsible as the club's best paid player constantly sat on the bench, picking up money from a club who you can't play for because you got an injury playing for your country.  The best thing about Michael Owen is that the year he left Liverpool to try and win the Champions League with Real Madrid was the year that Liverpool won the Champions League, and I will always find that funny.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Houllier visits the hospital not through choice

Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier has taken ill over night and taken a visit to Birmingham hospital, the BBC says:

Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier has been admitted to hospital, the BBC understands.
It is thought the 63-year-old was taken to hospital in Birmingham overnight.
He is understood to have spoken to the club's chief executive Paul Faulkner and his condition is said to be comfortable.
Reports that Gerard suffered (what is probably) a heart attack because he realised he'd spent £18 million on Darren Bent have not been confirmed.  Gerard had some heart issues back in 2001 when he managed Liverpool so it's probably not ridiculous to guess that this incident might be related but we can confirm that he isn't dead yet, though because he is mortal, eventually one day he will be.  Unless he is immortal in which case he would be either a vampire or Highlander.  He doesn't have fangs nor does he sound very Scottish to me, but his first name is Gerard and that is also Gerard Butler's name... the pieces are all coming together.  Gerard Houllier is.. THE HIGHLANDER!

Unless he dies from a heart attack which means he probably isn't.

Real Madrid and Barcelona kick each other

Copa del Rey final time last night which was eventually won by Real Madrid 1-0. After fouling each other 1000000 times, Ronaldo scored the winning goal with a header in the first half of injury time.

El Classico is generally a showcase of everything good about football, goals, skills, pace and all out attack. That was before it was Mourinho'd.  Deploying Pepe in midfield to kick people has proved to be a piece of tactical genius, turns out skillful players like Messi and Iniesta don't like being booted up the arse by fully grown men.

José Mourinho has again successfully spread his winning mentality, reports if this mentality is sexually transmitted are still to be confirmed.  From match winning giraffe necked Adonis Ronaldo -
"Mourinho has given us a winning spirit and this is a really important trophy for us - it was an objective we had for this season and we have achieved it."
Celebrations after the game were wild, and from Sergio Ramos in particular who celebrated the only way he knew how, by pretending to be a matador and later throwing the trophy under the team bus and watching it get run over.