Thursday, 31 March 2011

Black People Need Help

According to Gordon Taylor, PFA Chief Executive, black football managers need positive discrimination in order to get those top jobs:

"I don't know what I'm doing"

Black British managerial hopefuls should be interviewed for vacant posts as of right to tackle discrimination in football, according to Gordon Taylor.
The Professional Footballers' Association chief said he would back the introduction of a new regulation modelled on the NFL's 'Rooney Rule'.
Under this rule, teams must interview minority candidates for senior posts.
Paul Ince of Notts County and Chris Powell of Charlton are the only black bosses currently at league clubs.
While sadly there probably is quite a lot of racism amongst the dinosaurs in the PFA who consistently over-look such upcoming talents like errrr Paul Ince and..... ermmm.... Chris Powell?...  I for one can't help but point out that positive discrimination is still racist and just because a middle class, ex-football player is black, it does not mean that being fast tracked into national level management will level the playing field.  Besides, if there is anything that my Uncle taught me, it's that those guys can run really fast and there are too many of them living on his street.

Forlan laughs at Harry - Harry might mug Madrid

Reports in the Metro today indicate that Diego Forlan would consider a move to Tottenham Hotspur in the Summer, if the price is right!

'If there was a nice offer, for the team and for me, then you have to see. You have to see if it is good enough.'
It's nice in this day and age to see footballers think about more than just the amount of money they will be paid to play for a club - it's all about the pride!  The idea that Redknapp could get hold of Forlan for £12 million is quite the steal considering that he pretty much ran the World Cup last year.  Speaking of stealing, when asked what he thought about Harry Redknapp being mugged by thieves, Diego said:

'Yes, Harry Redknapp came to watch me - they said that he got robbed. It was a funny story.' 

Alex Ferguson thinks everybody is unfair

Legendary manager Sir Alex Ferguson has received a 5 match touch line ban from the FA for criticising referee Martin Atkinson

"I think the last few games we've had terrible decisions against us and you've just got to be careful you don't have paranoia about it," said Ferguson, who opted not to contest the FA's ruling." (ESPN)
Ferguson has a disadvantage in this respect because he is obviously the only person in the world to never have seen a Manchester United game, let alone the gross injustice of decisions that go their way on a regular basis.  If he was still the manager of Aberdeen he may very well have have taken his own life by now, but as it happens he spends much of his day intimidating referees by slagging them off where possible, then refusing to speak to the BBC about it.

The 69-year-old was furious that defender David Luiz was not sent off for fouls on Javier Hernandez and Wayne Rooney after the Brazilian defender had already been booked. He was also angry about the decision to award Chelsea a penalty when Yuri Zhirkov fell under Chris Smalling's challenge.
How dare he award a penalty against Manchester United.  How dare he!  Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Objects made of glass invariably break

Hot steaming freshly baked news today that Jonathan Woodgate is injured and most likely out for the rest of the season, Robin Van Persie also took a knock but reports are he will be fit for Arsenal this weekend.

a priceless photograph of both players on the pitch at the same time
"it's not good news. it's a huge blow for both him and the club"
I'm sure Spurs fans will be devastated, that one appearance Woodgate made this a sub, will be forever burned into our memory. Woodgate was always one of those players who made you think "I can't believe he's only (insert age). He is now 31. Woodgate was in line for the subs bench against former club Real Madrid, for whom he scored an own goal and got sent off on what was probably the funniest debut I have ever seen.

And so onto RVP, it's that time of the year again, Arsenal turn to shit, Van Persie get's injured and Barcelona start the foreplay with Cesc Fabregas again. Chin up, at least you have Jens Lehman back.

Johan Cruyff is God

Ajax haven't been famous since 1995 but they made the news after their entire board of directors and chairman resigned after a fall out with club legend Johan Cruyff 

thou shall name a turn after me
Chairman Uri Coronel was quoted saying
"Johan Cruyff is not just anyone. He's a demi-god here, or maybe a whole god." 
Unbelievably considering the lack of challengers at the top of the league, Ajax haven't won the title since 2004. It is understood that the decisions were made to step down after Mr Cruyff said, "wow, we are really, really shit."

Embarrassingly for the team from Amsterdam, last years league champions were FC Twente from Enschede, even more embarrassingly nobody knew there was even a city in Holland called Enschede.

Motherwell reach cup Semi final - might win/will then lose final to Old Firm

Motherwell reached the Scottish Cup Semi Final today after a 3-0 rout of Dundee United, and in other news I had a sandwich earlier!

I didn't watch the game partly because I really don't care, and secondly because I was playing football myself:

Motherwell beat holders Dundee United in a replay at Fir Park to set up a Scottish Cup semi-final meeting with St Johnstone at Hampden.
Jamie Murphy fired the Steelmen in front early on and Chris Humphrey converted from close range to add a second before the break.
Francis Jeffers rifled home Well's third on 63 minutes as the home side continued to dominate.
United rarely threatened, Scott Robertson having a shot saved late on.
'Well will now face Saints at the national stadium on Saturday 16 April, Aberdeen taking on Celtic in the other semi-final at the same venue the following day.
I've only actually heard of Francis Jeffers from that report but I do have a friend called Jamie Murphy.  I just phoned him and it's not the same guy.  In a parallel future universe Aberdeen decide to try against Celtic and a team from the Old Firm don't just win so this cup looks to really be on fire this year!  Except that it doesn't count unless you beat Celtic or Rangers in the final anyway.  Now, about that sandwich...

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Andy Carroll enjoys a beer or two.....

In perhaps one of the most shocking stories of recent times, it turns out Andy Carroll, from Newcastle, enjoys a beer
showing off his broken hands after punching Taylor in his huge head
Fabio Capello has told Carroll to cut back on the boozing in order to improve as a footballer and to keep him out of trouble. Carroll has already been involved in various violent incidents, including breaking team mate Steven Taylors jaw after he had told him he wasn't doing himself any favours by having a girls name and a pony tail.
"he needs to improve, to drink less"
Capello said but drinking obviously didn't affect Carroll's performance tonight as he scored his first goal in an England shirt. Fabio needs to stop fretting, fellow Tynesider Paul Gascoigne was also a young star of English football who enjoyed a beer or two and look how he ended up. Nothing to worry about.

Banana Man reveals his identity

So it would appear that banana-gate is over with a German tourist admitting to being the banana bandit.

It was obvious to most that the majority of Scots had only ever had banana in a milkshake from McDonalds, so the likelihood of a fan having purchased the offending fruit was slim at best and we were right.
"After consultation with the Metropolitan police Arsenal Football Club can confirm that a German teenage tourist has admitted throwing a banana onto the pitch"
The police have also decided that there was also no racist intent and the matter as far as they are concerned is closed. Fair enough, I mean, it's not like he threw a banana at a black person, that's definitely not racist, in fact he is so not racist that he knew he could throw the banana at a black person and show how far racism in football has come, that it's no longer throw a banana at a black person.

In the teenagers defence, it's not like the Germans are famous for their persecution of ethnic minorities.

Fabio Capello, not the brightest fellow

Fabio Capello has upset the English media yet again. When criticised by a journalist about his poor standard of English, Capello responded by saying that he only needs to know about 100 words in English in order to manage his players.

"I only know 100 words but one of them is speedos"
The tabloids are furious and rightly so. Capello with the national team's manager's highest winning percentage of all time, who has been successful in Italy and Spain, obviously has no idea what he is doing. The man clearly struggles with basic English, why else would he have purchased such small pants?

Today's modern footballers are all clearly well educated young gentlemen who require a manager who understands the nuances of the English language.  Luckily the FA have brought in Jamie Redknapp to translate for the players who bemoaned Capello's unwillingness to learn words like "bruv", "merked" and "tekkers".

Alan Pardew confident of summer funds

Everyone's favourite cockney manager Alan Pardew is 100% confident that he will have money to spend in the Summer to improve his Newcastle side:

Expect to see this exact picture multiple times in about 1 month

Liverpool paid £35m to sign Andy Carroll on the final day of the January transfer window, a sum Pardew hopes can swell his summer coffers.
"Mike Ashley has made that commitment that the money will go back into the club," Pardew told BBC Newcastle.
"I'm sure 100% that he will and it's my challenge to spend the money wisely."

Pardew took time out of his day calculating how best to relegate Premier League clubs to add:

He explained: "In terms of the transfers, when I came in here, I said: 'Look, you've obviously got a scouting system here, but the rubber stamp has to come from me.'

When you look back at the last transfers that Ashley oversaw then you can understand Pardew's assertion that he is in control.  I remember the day very well that Kevin Keegan signed all the players he wanted - Xisco, some Uruguayan winger that never played - and that worked out well for him.  Pardew's track record as a brilliant tactician goes hand in hand with his brilliant transfer policies and player swoops.  This is the man that just didn't think Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez were quite ready to play in the Premier League.  That year that West Ham did REALLY well in the Premier League.  And where are those players now, I hear you ask?  Nobody knows.  Scholars maintain that their whereabouts are lost somewhere deep between the Bible and the Loch Ness monster.

All's well that ends Wellbeck... or something

Urgh there is just literally no news today:

Sunderland striker Danny Welbeck has been called up to the England squad for Tuesday's international friendly against Ghana at Wembley.
The 20-year-old forward, who is on loan at the Black Cats from Manchester United, joins the squad in place of the injured Spurs winger Aaron Lennon.
Lennon felt a twinge in his hamstring after England training on Monday.(BBC Sport)

Wellbeck takes the place of Aaron Lennon so will probably play about 40 minutes of the 2nd half, do alright and then everything can go back to normal.  Lennon is of course famous for running very fast in a straight line over about 20 yards, then hitting the ball out for a corner so Wellbeck has his work cut out for him.  In other incredibly boring news, Gareth Barry will captain England in their World Cup final against Ghana so will probably play about 45 minutes of the 1st half, do alright and then everything can go back to normal.

Sneider needs United to be less snidey

In a desperate plea to end the hell of his Champions League winning Inter Milan tenure, Wesley Sneider has allegedly made overtures to Manchester United that he would like to play for them.  The mirror seems to think so anyway:

The Mirror understands the classy Dutch midfielder has now decided the time is right to move on from the rigid constraints of Italian football and try the Premier League, which he has always admitted was a lure for him.

And that could pave the way for a record-breaking bid by the Premier League club, as manager Sir Alex Ferguson looks for the final piece in his latest Old Trafford jigsaw.

Almost conclusive proof then that he wants to sign for the red half of Manchester.  On a side note, it might be worth considering that at no point in this article are there any quotes attributed to Wes... nor are there any from either club... but at least The Mirror understands that he wants to go there.

I understand that this is one of the many reasons that I don't read papers like The Mirror

Monday, 28 March 2011

Mario Balotellibly behaved

Mario Balotelli in his short career has successfully become one of the most entertaining players on and off the football field.

Wearing a giant glove on his head, struggling with the physics of bib application and a particular fondness for red cards, Balotelli is the new cartoon villian of the Premier League.

He has been warned he needs to grow up if he is ever to get into the Italian senior team.
Balotelli reacted accordingly by throwing darts at Man City's youth players beacause he was "bored".

The club responded with
"the matter will be dealt with internally"
Yes I DID eat all the pies
With Balotelli's respect for Mancini equal to that of Michael Johnson's (former wonder kid) for his waistline, don't expect any disciplinary measures to have any effect on mental Mario's quest to become football's number one nut job

Appiah ain't Appi

Ghana star Stephen Appiah has been outspoken on underspoken Fabio Capello's decision to rest several of England's key players for the upcoming friendly between the 2 nations:

Appiah, 30, told BBC Sport: "It's like they are underrating the game."  Ghana have sold a remarkable 21,000 tickets for their first ever match against England, the largest official away allocation Wembley has ever seen for an international but many Black Stars fans will have bought their tickets unaware they would end up watching a half-strength England team.  Capello of course doesn't care, because he gets paid a shit load of money to do ten eighths of fuck all.  "ROONEY GOES UP FRONT" is just one of many decisions that requires hours of meticulous study in the England manager's office.

As Appiah says, it is many of the Ghanaian players' dreams to play against someone like Frank Lampard, and you know life has been tough when that's what you aspire to.  England's players on the other hand have always dreamed of the day that they finally get to retire and can be a pundit on MOTD.

Everything's great at Villa!

Gary McAllister took time out of his busy schedule barricading the training ground complex to quash rumours about the uprising among Gerard Houllier's players:

"I don't think there's any mutiny here," McAllister told BBC Sport.
"There's been little arguments here and there but nothing outside the realms of what happens at most clubs."
"The facts are most football clubs have a rule book which is set by the PFA [Professional Footballers' Association] and apart from little tweaks here and there, it's a standard rule book," said McAllister.
"Mobile phones aren't switched on inside the building and Gerard had this rule when I was a player at Liverpool. 
 (BBC Sport Football -

One of the most disliked demands of Houllier's evil reign is the banning of all mobile phones - a 'draconian' measure already foiled by Richard Dunne, who has allegedly hidden an iPhone in the kettle of Villa Park's home dressing room.  There are murmours of much unrest amongst team mates at Villa Park and I for one fully endorse them because, if anything, it stops Aston Villa from continuing to be the most boring football club in the world.

Diouf - Gentleman and Scholar

Loved by fans and referees alike, El-Hadji Diouf has spoken out about the obvious ill treatment and mis-justice he received from referee Calum Murray in the Scottish League Cup Final.

In between trying to find a cure for AIDS, building schools in Africa and providing a home to hundreds of  abandoned animals,  Diouf still found time to reflect on Murrays performance:
"You have to say the ref messed up the game with cards flying everywhere. I know it must be tough for him but still, I guess some refs find it hard to handle these type of games."
After being kicked all over the park due to the Celtic players obvious jealousy of Diouf's fashion style, the Senegalese star was given a yellow card upon suggesting that Neil Lennon should try a new hairstyle.  Lennon, proud of his short ginger looks, reacted angrily which he later admitted was a side effect of his medication for bawbagitis.

The injustice does not end there. As the final whistle sounded El-Hadji approached Murray to discuss and reflect on the game. Unable to take constructive criticism, Mr Murray gave Diouf his marching orders.
"At the end I told the ref he was the worst ref I've ever had so he gave me another card."
The good news is a petition started by UNICEF with over one million signatures has been given to the SFA to clear his good name. We expect a reply within two weeks.

Micah Richards needs oxygen

Manchesthair City's Micah Richards is said to be sleeping in an oxygen tent to aid his recovery from his latest injury. Indeed Micah is very excited at the prospect.


"I will sleep in the thing if necessary. I want to be available for that game against United. It is going to be a great occasion."

I remember my first night in a tent, I quit the scouts pretty soon after that.

Of course Richards is not the first footballer to try alternative methods in order to increase the speed of recovery. Owen oh he's injured again Hargreaves famously sleeps every night in a bath of butterscotch Angel Delight to help soothe the pain of his tendonitis. Whilst Kieron Dyer spent most of his career rubbing a mixture of E45 and horse semen into his troublesome hamstrings.

Selfish Neymar

Neymar selfishly refused the kind offer of a banana from Scotland fans at yesterday's game between the Tartan Army and Brazil.

Attributing the banana to racism, Neymar has sparked outrage between the two sides and the Scottish FA has had to stand up and deny any racist connotations of the banana.  Someone over weight and with little knowledge of the world probably said:
"Clearly the fans were just trying to give the Brazilian players some more energy, bananas are famous for their high levels of potassium"
Brazil were also quite clearly very jealous of just how good Kenny Miller is but jealousy won't get you anywhere guys.  If they can just keep believing in themselves, one day they can be just as incredible.