Thursday, 4 February 2016

Gary Neville is not having fun in Spain

Gary Neville is really good at explaining what teams are doing wrong when he's on TV but after a 7-0 pumping to Barcelona, it seems like real life management is a bit more difficult than on a giant iPad.

Neville was asked three times after the defeat whether he would resign. The questions from the journalists were really good - the first two times he said "no" but on the third he said "actually yes, you have got me there, I am going to resign".

It wouldn't be a surprise if people who bet that Neville would leave his post before the end of season will receive some pennies from cash out sites soon, seeing as the pressure must be unbelievable. Not only do none of his players give a shit but they are also mostly awful and Neville doesn't speak Spanish so can't communicate with them. On that note, I love the idea that Chelsea want to hire Diego Simeone to inspire the players.

"Here you go Diego, anything you need let us know."
"Haha good one Diego."
[Diego Simeone stands alone in a room and waits for someone to come and get him]

So anyway, Neville is having a bad time and probably regrets that there's no Force Quit mode in real life. I've been playing Football Manager and just reloading when I lose because then it's not so annoying. I got so annoyed with it yesterday that I punched my printer and smashed a hole in it. I've only used it once. I don't really know how to end this. See you later.

Monday, 1 February 2016

Ed Woodward and the bargain bin

Here is a cartoon where Ed Woodward goes back to that shop that I keep using as an analogy for the transfer market.

As you can see, I've pretty much nailed the Abramovich voice now and there's something I find deeply funny about making Arsene Wenger sound like the most French man who ever existed. How long until I'm sued for image rights infringement is anyone's guess. Let's hope it's not soon though because I really can't afford it.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Alex Ferguson is concerned about Jurgen Klopp

Ex-St Mirren manager Sir Alex Ferguson has expressed his concerns that Jurgen Klopp might actually be quite good at managing football teams and the effect this might have at Liverpool, a town that Alex Ferguson hates.

According to, Ferguson said:
"He’s going to make a difference at that club with his personality, drive and knowledge. Things are looking up there."
He actually said more than that but the rest didn't have anything particularly interesting in it. Liverpool fans will be excited by this news because the last time a socialist working man's club really got behind an enigmatic leader from Germany something something world war two something something premier league. 

A stupid email I received

Being the hugely successful football man that I am, I get quite a lot of spam email from betting companies and youtube channels owned by giant TV companies pretending to be youtube channels. Usually they want me to make them a video for free, or if they are really generous, very little money, but a few weeks ago I received this.

Now I don't know who Beka Jgarkava is but I will open any email that has an attachment. A bit like how I'll open absolutely any actual mail that is sent to my house with someone else's name on it. Someone I don't live with, I mean.

Anyway. The first point of contention within this particular email, is Beka's opening line. Beka, who I assume is female (as in Rebecca) wishes to purchase my blog The False 9. As you will be aware, dear reader, I do not own The False 9, nor read it, and as such cannot sell it to anyone - including Foreign Rebecca.

Foreign Rebecca's English isn't perfect, but I don't speak any other languages well enough to construct an email like this and so can't really slag her off. The rest of the email is just blah blah blah can I discuss the site blah blah blah.


What the hell is this? How is Holidays in United Kingdom me? As of yet I have not received a marriage proposal but I look forward to getting it later, provided that Foreign Rebecca is hot. So yeh I've kinda forgotten where I was going with this and it's not actually funny but here's what I sent back.

I thought £7k seemed like a reasonable price. No reply. That's it. 

Thursday, 12 November 2015

John Terry is a centaur-back in this cartoon

Roman Abramovich shows Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho how he has fixed John Terry's lost legs in this animated cartoon which has inspired a sentence geared entirely towards SEO.

It's another of those short sketches that I do. I had assistance this time which probably explains why it's not awful and how the centaur-back thing came up - I'd never have thought of that on my own.

Enjoy! Have a nice time. Be nice to your people xxx

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Steven Gerrard wants to prove how bad he is by going back to Liverpool

Steven Gerrard has plans to return to Liverpool now that the MLS season is over and he realises just how bad it is. He's been on the phone to Jurgen Klopp who might even offer him a playing contract!

Nobody outside of Liverpool and London, which is where all Liverpool supporters seem to be from, actually cares about Steven Gerrard coming back to the Premier League because he's really old and has been shit for about two full seasons. That's what age does, just because he won a Champions League it doesn't mean he's immortal. Also, The Beatles left Liverpool OK? They moved to London. There are better places than Liverpool.

Anyway, Klopp believes Gerrard can really set standards for the club as a role model and idol. The news couldn't come at a better time, with Phil Collins also announcing his comeback and the internet giving us the ability to buy a plethora of lovely football shirts at

Steven gerrard in a 2005 champions league football shirt
With Gerrard behind the scenes, an Anfield, it is hoped an entire generation will be far better equipped to fight any DJs who refuse to play Collins' new material in nightclubs.

New Aston Villa manager bans French language

Remi Garde has banned Aston Villa players from speaking French in the dressing room. Probably because he's so racist.

Hired as the new Aston Villa manager for at least the next 15 months until Villa are still 17th and then they hire someone else who isn't very good, Garde has already set out some of his key ideas and visions for the club. These include banning French players from speaking their own language:

"They have to learn English quickly. I don't want anybody speaking French in the dressing room. It is very important we understand each other. It's also important that the English players speak slowly sometimes at the beginning. Everyone has to make an effort."
After explaining his rationale behind the language decisions, Garde added "and if anyone in this room has any idea what language this thing speaks, please report to the science room afterwards" and then pointed at Alan Hutton, sitting drooling in the corner.