Monday, 18 June 2018

Rafael Van Der Vaart has a story about Cristiano Ronaldo

Rafael Van Der Vaart, that guy who was good for a little while on Pro Evo, has told a story about how Cristiano Ronaldo pulled off an 80s movie iconic moment during a game they played.


Van Der Vaart said:
One day after training, Cristiano took 20 balls and started practicing free kicks but none went in. I took one and it went in and I told him ‘this is the way you should do it.’ Come game day, we won a free kick and Cristiano banged it top corner and told me,"this is the way I do it."
I can relate having been a similar position myself with a work colleague last week. Except instead of 'top corner' it was 'on the floor' and instead of free-kicks it was 'an aggressive handjob'. Sometimes it's just good to get things finished yourself I guess.

Mexico's government says goal against Germany caused an earthquake

In highly doubtful news, the Mexican government - bastions of integrity - have revealed/claimed that all the people jumping in Mexico after that goal against Germany caused a small earthquake.


In a tweet (so you know it's true) they said:
The # earthquake detected in Mexico City originated artificially. Possibly by massive jumps during the Goal of the selection of # Mexico in the world. At least two sensors inside the City detected it at 11:32.
My favourite word in this is 'possibly' because ignores the potential that this was caused by a horrifying underground lizard making its way towards the surface of the earth to unleash havoc upon all who sit beneath the hot Mexican sun. Once El Lizardo begins his reign of terror there will be only one way to defeat him and that will be by organising a way to make USA to score a goal somewhere in order to cause a tsunami when all the fat people fall over.

England are also bracing themselves for damage that might be caused to ancient beloved buildings if their team score on Monday night, as supporters beat the shit out of each other and throw tables around a Wetherspoons while high on a mixture of talcum powder and speed. Truly, football is a magical sport.

Mats Hummels lays into his teammates

Mexico managed to beat Germany on Sunday by using ancient tactics passed down by generation to generation, using a kind of football magic that works when an opposition team plays one centre-back.


Mats Hummels was particularly unimpressed with his team's efforts and laid into them after the game.
“Mexico deserved the win - our cover was often not good and we were left many times with Jerome [Boateng] and myself at the back. 
“If seven of eight players are attacking then it’s clear our attacking power is greater. But that’s something that I have often talked about internally. It doesn’t always bear fruit. 
“A wake-up call is too late. We now must win two games, otherwise that is that with the World Cup. I don’t really understand why we played like we played because, really, we already had our wake-up call.”
Jonathan Pearce, Captain Robot Wars, had already identified the problem on co-commentary and called Germany out for not taking Leroy Sane to the tournament for a few reasons. First of all, Pearce knows who that is, he plays in England and also Pearce knows who that is. The fucking idiots.

I analysed the game with this in mind and did actually discover something pretty incredible about the game and Pearce's sharp eye has been proven accurate.


Clear evidence there that if Germany had been playing Chaos 2 at CB, Hummels attempt to win the ball at halfway would've been fine. Chaos 2 would have flipped the striker out the stadium and cleared the lines. I know I'm good but I can't be here every single time to fix these problems.

Robbie Williams sings at World Cup, we are all stuck in the 90s

Because there can be no happiness without suffering, the World Cup opening ceremony hired Robbie Williams' to perform his greatest hits live in a ceremony described by those who saw it as 'absolutely fine'.


Robbie went through all his football related hits, like funeral-favourite 'Angels' and song you only remember from being in the back of the car going to Debenhams on your already ruined weekend, 'that one that has a piano and goes 'REEEEEALL LOVE'.

To make it even better, some hot woman sang opera nonsense over the top, occasionally using words, mostly sounding like a sexy ghost. In terms of FIFA organised ceremonies it was entirely medium, which is presumably what they were going for when they hired sort-of star of the 90s, Mr Williams.

Robbie seems like an alright lad, even if he did come out dressed like an Eastern European magician or, as this fine man observed:


Friday, 8 June 2018

St Mirren hire Alan Stubbs instead of Guti or Kluivert

St Mirren were linked with Real Madrid legend Guti and European Cup winner and star of the 90s, Patrick Kluivert, for their vacant manager position, with both apparently keen to take on the job and use their wealth of experience to continue the good work of Jack Ross. But no. St Mirren knew they could do better. And they did. Arise, Alan Stubbs.


We laugh at people like Paul Merson and that Brexit scouse one on the Sky Sports when they go 'these foreigners don't understand the premier league' and then Marco Silva and Manuel Pellegrini turn up and win things, but for some reason, we're giving Scottish football license to do exactly that.

'St Mirren needs someone who knows Scottish football' was the line trotted out and while that may sound just like what Merson and Brexit Thompson say, there is a difference.

Because what that actually means is 'you can't do rondos on anything resembling flat grass on a scottish training pitch any time after November, you fanny' .

I can just imagine Kluivert now, getting his players learned in the movement and positional discipline required to replicate the Reenus Michels/Johan Cruyff school of thought, only to see Scott Brown throw himself head first in a spear tackle directly into the scrotum of the St Mirren goalkeeper. In the warm up.

good luck to you sir Alan Stubbs.

Amazon now have Premier League rights

Buckle up football fans because now you can watch your favourite multinational entertainment company on another broadcaster! This time it's online, providing you with reason to sign up for another monthly subscription service you only really use to watch episodes of the US Office.


The deal that Amazon made was to get 20 games of Premier League action, which sounds pretty good before you realise that those are for two of the rounds of 10 games midweek, which all happen at the same time. Luckily, the many thousands of people who forgot to cancel their free Prime membership will now have the opportunity to enjoy Wolves vs Southampton, a 1-1 spectacular in stuttering HD, broadcast live to their iPad they dropped and smashed into bits one night while smashed.

Alternatively they could stream it online like people do. The thing I love most about being a human is the consumerism.

Jonny Evans is cheap now

Leicester have landed themselves a bargain by signing Jonny Evans for £3.5million just under a year after West Brom turned down bids of £20something million from Arsenal and the like, then got relegated. Well done lads.

Here's a picture of Evans in his true form, which is a strange two armed octopus, with one tentacle and one sword, designed for battle. That is all I have to say about Jonny Evans other than that he seems like a good lad. Stealing a taxi in a foreign country because you really want McDonalds is funny at the best of times, but doing so when you're not even pissed makes it much better. Can you imagine how bored he must have been for that to feel like a good idea?