Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Five worst ever Premier League transfer flops

Throughout the history of the Premier League, there have been many memorable players to grace the division. But for every superstar to arrive in the prestigious English top-flight, there are also those who fail to live up to expectations. So, we look back on five of the biggest Premier League flops in recent seasons.  

Andy Carroll 

After the arrival of Luis Suarez at Anfield, Liverpool fans were expecting further huge signings – and they got one, in the form of Andy Carroll. The towering frontman was then made the most expensive Englishman in the Premier League, after his £35 million switch from Newcastle United.  His career can be easily summed up. Six goals in 44 outings, injuries, frustration and off-the-field rumours. Carroll's current club West Ham United are an outside 66/1 with bet365 in the Premier League betting to face relegation this season.

Fernando Torres 

A familiar face up next, with Torres having gone from Reds hero to Blues zero in just a matter of months. Chelsea signed the Spaniard from Liverpool for a mammoth £50 million in January 2011.  He went on to score a dismal seven goals in his two Premier League campaigns in London. When the term 'waste of money' is ever mentioned, Torres is undoubtedly the first name that springs to mind. However, he did manage to pick up FA Cup, Champions League and Europa League honours while there!

Eric Djemba-Djemba  

So bad they named him twice! Or so the saying goes. Djemba-Djemba arrived at Old Trafford back in 2003 with a big reputation, having been dauntingly billed as the next Roy Keane.  Things didn't exactly go according to plan, however, as it took just 20 appearances after his £3.5 million move from Nantes for supporters to realise he wouldn't be following in the footsteps of their famous former Irish captain. The midfielder instead has been dubbed Sir Alex Ferguson's worst ever signing during an illustrious career at Manchester United.

Afonso Alves 

 An incredible 45 goals struck in 39 games for Heerenveen in the Eredivisie, a tally both Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo would be proud of, saw Alves rise to prominence. Surely that clinical eye for goal would see the Brazilian become a success in England?  Unfortunately not, for Middlesbrough. The forward was an instant flop, as he averaged less than one strike every four games for the club, with 10 in 42 games after arriving for a substantial £13 million.

Konstantinos Mitroglou 

Premier League relegation looms. The January transfer market is open. There's millions to spend. Who do you sign? Greek forward Mitroglou, of course! That's the decision that London outfit Fulham made back in January 2014. Such a move turned out to be an absolute disaster at Craven Cottage, with Mitroglou failing to deliver upon his arrival in the capital.  The flop forward ended up playing just three games for the club as they were ultimately relegated from the Premier League. He later joined Olympiakos on loan for a season in August after a nightmare spell. This is a prime example of a huge gamble gone completely wrong for clubs in England's top tier division. 

Thursday, 15 December 2016

The joy of xmas

Do you remember when Richard Gordon off Sportsound gave us a Christmas present? Oh sweet memories.

We never did get to use those tickets but if we had, we would have enjoyed them. I mean they weren't real. But all it takes is confidence sometimes. Walk up to the ticket man, say hello, tell him you don't need a ticket. If you have a ticket it's even easier. 

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The Magic of the FA Cup

Jack Burkitt - Nottingham Forest FA Cup Winners 1959

It’s time to practise saying stuff like “massive upset”, “giant slaying”, and “shock result” as the FA Cup is about to introduce the teams that people have actually heard of. There has already been a round of fixtures with sides like Braintree Town and Solihull Moors magically prevailing over their opposition. Come January, football fans will begin to take a vague interest in England’s seminal knockout tournament- mainly people who support teams that don’t normally have a hope in hell of winning anything.
Yes, Wigan and Portsmouth will be licking their lips at the opportunity to storm towards another addition to their trophy cabinets. And players from Braintree and Solihull are already praying that they draw a club that plays in a proper stadium should they progress past the next stage (second round opponents Millwall and Luton Town don’t really count).
Manchester City are 13/2 in the FA Cup betting to win the tournament, because they are supposed to be winning everything now they have a manager with a proven track record of winning everything. Pep Guardiola has, in fact, already failed to win the League Cup, losing to Jose Mourinho’s expensive underachievers. Why bookies think the Catalan will show more bottle in the FA Cup is anyone’s guess.
The magic of the FA Cup is that anyone can win. And as many people enjoyed saying last season when Leicester City won the Premier League: “Anyone can beat anyone in this game.” Instead of backing sides like City and Chelsea, why not instead stake large sums of dosh on the likes of Stourbridge and Curzon Ashton at 4500/1? You will kick yourself when they pull off their fairy-tale “upsets” and go on to sweep aside the so-called giants.


The underdog mentality has proven to be more valuable than multimillion pound, blockbuster signings on numerous occasions. Why have Paul Pogba in your squad when you could have a part time painter and decorator who just “wants it more.”
The biggest giant slaying or whatever you want to call it was probably back in 1991-92 when Wrexham knocked out Arsenal in the third round. The Gunners were the reigning First Division champions at the time and the other team had finished the previous season at the foot of the football league.

The FA Cup also gives fans the chance to rejoice about being drawn against a team they hate that they haven’t played against for ages. This was the case for Leeds United in the 2009-10 season when they got to play their bitter enemy Manchester United. As testament to the “passion” between the two clubs all the pubs in the city centre were forced to close to avoid any unsavoury meetings between fans. Leeds won the match 1-0 (see video above) and still go on about it to this day.

What magic will occur in this season’s tournament as all the clubs in England battle for supremacy? My money’s on Braintree doing Millwall and putting together a decent run.  

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Jack Wilshere on loan? Joe Hart to Tarino? It's TRANSFER HAWK

Behold! It is Transfer Hawk in all his glory.

You used to think 'why do the papers keep saying they're going in for a swoop like the footballer is a fucking egg or a small rodent that a hawk would eat' didn't you?

NOW YOU KNOW. I'm talking transfer hawk you mothers.

Share it, love it, fornicate to it, make love to it, just do whatever. whatever you want. It's your life.

Friday, 26 August 2016

Arsenal are really bad at transfers, now good

Only a few days ago Arsenal fans (teenagers on the internet) were absolutely furious with Ahsun Vengah for his lack of transfer activity. Now it looks like they're about to sign all the players they need! Hooray for internet justice.

Now you may recognise Shkodran Mustafi from such transfer rumours as 'Mustafi is going to Arsenal' and 'Mustafi isn't going to Arsenal' but now apparently the deal is back on. Valencia have accepted a £35m + bid for the defender but the fun doesn't end there! Spanish Jamie Vardy, Lucas Perez, is also on his way to North London for a fee of £17m or something like that.

Having never paid attention to Mustafi when I've seen him, I have no idea whether he's any good or not, but since he's costing £35m he must be! That's the secret to transfers - the more you pay for them, the better the player is.

By the way, if you want to bet on Arsenal never signing a player you can visit to use their interactive tool to filter the latest betting offers. 

The other day Thierry Henry, pictured above, was like 'I don't think players even want to come to Arsenal any more' but of course they don't. Why would you want to join the nerdiest boys club in the league? Imagine you walk into the canteen for lunch and Theo Walcott comes up and says 'I've done the most HILARIOUS prank!' and then Oxlade Chamberlain and Keiran Gibbs go 'OH Theo!!!' because he's tied their shoe laces together! Hahah aha ha aha a and then they go and read a book under the sun.

anyway thye've signed some players so please Arsenal fans, shut up. Just shut up. You are the absolute worst. No wonder Wenger hates you.

Pele sings Olympics song, doesn't die

Hi everyone. Just realised I haven't updated since June but it's not because I'm lazy. It's because I'm really lazy.

I made this for the Olympics but then Pele went and almost died so I couldn't promote it anywhere. How selfish can you be?! I spent at least 10 hours making this one. Look at the animation! It's beautiful! Remember when I used to make songs about crisps and left backs? Remember those days? Well now I can make these things look bang tidy and actual people say 'omg JJ can you please make me some animation, I'll pay you anything you want!' and I accept £8million per cartoon and if anyone would actually like to ask me this, please email the email you can find on the site in the contact bit. 

Tuesday, 28 June 2016

The return of Roy Keane (the cartoon)

Now that Roy Honson & Space Monkey have been binned from Euro 2016, it's time to focus on some other characters at the tournament. And then probably go back to Roy since he's funny. Here's a Roy:

Enjoy, everyone. Please. Or don't. There are only 2 weeks left of this tournament anyway.