Thursday, 30 October 2014

Twitter is expensive for footballers

If you're like me, you don't really consider Twitter as real life. I'm not a troll, racist, sexist or a cyber rapist but I still like making jokes about banter on Richard Keys timeline. I know I'm safe, nobody cares about me, but what if you're a footballer with your millions of fans? It turns out you have to pay actual money if you want to call someone a dick.

he was genuinely fined for using the term "choc ice"

Rio Ferdinand was recently fined £25k for using the word "sket" which is a word that men desperately trying to hang on to their youth and look cool use for slut. "Think before you tweet" is the message from the FA. Really they don't want anyone to think, as they have made £350,000 from twitter fines since 2011. If you think about how much money that is, that would pay for Ronaldo for one whole week. You could play him upfront, wide right or just ask him to poach eggs, the sky's the limit.

The biggest fine was dished out to Ashley Cole, he received a £90k fine for  hilariously calling the FA "a bunch of twats". I think Twitter fines should be banned, it's great to see what players are genuinely funny and intelligent on Twitter and which ones are Wayne Rooney. To give it some context, all these chaps are millionaires, do they give a shit about a few grand? I made a joke the other day about Joey Barton murdering people and hiding them under the floor boards. If you told me that tweet was going to cost me £1, I'd throw that coin right at your face and laugh heartily as I click tweet.

@jackwaterston

More racism

Celtic player Aleksandar Tonev has been found guilty of doing a racism, OR HAS HE...


Well yes, the SFA think he has and have banned him for seven games. This sounds like a good thing and the right thing to do. If someone is racist, they should be fired out of a cannon into a volcano or punted by an angry mule but until we have the technology, suspensions will have to do. 

Tonev racially abused Aberdeen right back Shay Logan when the two sides faced each other back in September. I can type this because A) why would Logan make this up? and B) he has been found guilty. On his debut no less, Tonev allegedly said something to Shay, Shay then told the referee, his captain Mark Reynolds and his manager straight after the incident. Either he was called something racist, or he's a really weird person who likes making things up and taking time out of a professional game of football to tell fantastical, whimsical tales of racism to anyone that will listen. 

Celtic are standing by their player and will be appealing the decision. I'm not sure what they plan to get out of the appeal. Perhaps they had secret cameras or microphones? If not, it will go something like this.
"are you a racist?"
"no"
"did you call him a *MYSTERY RACISM WORDS*"
"yes...I mean no...I mean yes, I did but in Bulgaria that means, 'hey bro, how are you today? Would you like to share a sandwich with me?'

You know how I know he said something racist? He's from Eastern Europe, and if you call me a racist then I'll appeal against you so hard.

@jackwaterston

A Cartoon Where Steven Naismith Solves the Ebola Crisis

Here is an animated cartoon where Steven Naismith and his bird sidekick (Robirdo Martinez) attempt to take on the evil Oozeman and solve the Ebola crisis.


It's a sort of Halloween themed thing for you to enjoy. As ever, the only way these things get seen is if you press like or share, so please do that if you can be fannied doing so.

@jj_bull

Mark Clattenburg is in trouble because of Ed Sheeran

Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg has sadly been sentenced to death for attending an Ed Sheeran concert. If by sentenced to death you mean banned from refereeing this weekend.


Yes, it turns out that England's referee supreme (Howard Webb is now a full time spider) has been told he is not allowed to officiate a single game this weekend after travelling separately from his refereeing team after the West Brom v Crystal Palace match.

Premier League rules dictate that any official must attend and leave any match with the refereeing team to ensure that no Serie A style antics go down, but Clattenburg drove himself to and from the game in order to see Ed Sheeran play some shit songs about prostitutes he pretends to understand because he once slept in a tent at a festival that his Mum gave him money to go to.

To be fair to Mark Clattenburg, if anything, he should feel lucky for the punishment only being a weekend off refereeing. There are children who would rather return to Fritzl's basement than have to watch an entire Ed Sheeran gig.

@jj_bull

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Diego Maradona: Great player, girlfriend beater (allegedly)

This story is everywhere so here it goes, I've got the lawyers on speed-dial. Maradona's girlfriend was filming him watching TV, which would be really annoying. Instead of telling her to stop like a normal human, he decided to walk over and hit her... allegedly.


There is the couple during happier times, before she had the sheer audacity to look at a phone. Before the outrage brigade get annoyed, that's sarcasm. You should know how Fitba works by now.



According to Maradona -

'I sent the phone flying but I swear I've never hit a woman. The story starts and finishes there. 'I admit I knocked the phone out of Rocio's hands but there's nothing more to it. The situation didn't continue.' 

In the video, Rocio says things like "stop hitting". Which is usually what you say when someone is hitting you. Hitting could be Argentinean slang for "being a dick", I don't know, I'm not a doctor. If it goes to court, it will be his word against hers, which will be a tough match-up. Maradona is a God in Argentina. He could probably be filmed using a midget as a an offensive weapon, swinging the midget around baseball bat style to assault other midgets and he would be given a new car or something to say thanks for the 86 World Cup.

Whatever happens, I hope justice is served. Remember kids, being really, really good at sport doesn't mean you can be a scumbag, just look at Ched Evans. The OJ Simpson days are over.  Ched was convicted so we are safe with that one right?

@JackWaterston

We've got a new World Cup Logo!

Today the finally revealed the new World Cup logo and oh boy, it was worth the wait.


Of course the FIFA World Cup 2018 is going to be in Russia. I was expecting the logo to be a plane being shot down or a homosexual being beaten up, but instead we got the above.To the untrained eye, it may look like some kind of funky neon mushroom but you would be an IDIOT. It clearly reflects Russia's "heart and soul" and was given its glorious unveiling from the International Space Station because there's not really anything else for them to do up there anymore.
"Hey look, the water it floats!"
"We know Vladamir, we have been here for 10 years"

It all seems a bit over the top to me, at least the Brazilians had a good laugh at themselves and based their logo on Captain Picard's infamous facepalm. I mock, but history was made tonight. With the event being presented by Sepp Blatter, for the first time ever ,Vladamir Putin wasn't the biggest cunt in Russia.


@JackWaterston

Monday, 27 October 2014

Mike Ashley wants Rangers (warning: contains man boobs)

RANGERS NEWS!



Oh Rangers, why do you keep being so riduclous. Mike Ashley has been told by the SFA that he cannot have more than a 10% stake in the club. The problem being that he probably has more money and power than the SFA and keeps putting more money in. He's recently given a £2m 'loan' to Rangers Football Club in return for chief exec Graham Wallace and finance director Philip Nash leaving the club to be replaced by his own men. That's totally fine guys, please stop suggesting that Rangers and Mike Ashley are really dodgy.

It's not good news for Coisty, Wallace has been a strong defender of him, despite the fact that he's absolutely terrible. I imagine his defence of Ally was more to do with having no money to sack him and get someone new in, rather than his performance. He shouldn't be worried of course, his job is totally safe...well it would be if Mike Ashley wasn't overseeing the most obvious take over since the Nazi annexation of Austria in 1938. 
"What are you doing here?"
"Uh, I just think it's really nice"
"What about those 300,000 soldiers behind you?"

Mike Ashley taking control of Rangers would make perfect sense. He made his money through Sports Direct, a company who already supply the official uniform for Rangers fans, consisting of Rangers top, tracksuit bottoms and sparkling white sport socks to tuck those shiny tracky bottoms in. I don't really see the value in buying a team that is in the Scottish Championship, but he's s billionaire and I'm an idiot, so he probably knows what he's doing.

 Will Ashley ignore the SFA and increase his stake in the club? Will Ally McCoist get the sack? Will Ian Black finally admit he is not human? Tune in next week to the exciting and depressing tales of Rangers football club. Cue death threats

@JackWaterston