Saturday, 1 August 2015

Sky Sports "don't care" about losing La Liga rights, "prefer Dutch football anyway"

Sky Sports have revealed that they "don't care" about losing La Liga broadcasting rights to rivals BT Sport because they "don't like La Liga anyway, it's so 2010".

BT Sport famously entered the sports broadcasting arena two years ago when they decided that the perfect union of football and Sky Sports that had worked for the previous 20 years needed to be ruined.

A spokesman for Sky Sports said this:
I don't care if they take La Liga off us because the Ere Divisie is really were it's at. Who needs Iniesta when you can watch a team from a town you thought was in Belgium draw against another one you haven't heard of. That's what real football is about.
Having already won joint custody of the Premier League, a judge then ruled in favour of BT Sport getting the Champions League rights this season. Things have since taken an unexpected and sour turn as Sky Sports reportedly refused to turn up to a hearing about paying football rights support, and will now only be able to visit La Liga on alternate weekends.

BBC wouldn't give comment because they were too busy employing teenagers to run their social media accounts. You won't believe what happened next.

Celtic delight at winning SPFL title after 4 minutes of league football

Brave Ross County waited all of 4 minutes before just rolling over and accepting that Celtic's inevitable victory en route to SPFL glory was going to happen at some point anyway.

Leigh Griffith's, father of crime, patiently waited until the 4th minute of the SPFL opening day, where you can buy a sofa at four years interest free credit, before scoring a penalty. Referee Willie Collum spoke after the match:
I was bored of Ross County pretending they were going to try and win, so to speed things up I just awarded Celtic the first of the 28 penalties they'll get this season. I have no idea if it was actually a foul or whatever but I mean come on.
SPFL officials waited until the second goal in 35th minute before carving Celtic's name onto the trophy and handed it over to the club chairman, Paddy McStuckinthePast along with a giant cheque for the amount of "however much you need".

League rivals Aberdeen kick off their campaign for second on Sunday against Celtic's feeder club, Dundee United, whose ambitions this year include selling any players that turn out to be quite good, and taking money from fans in exchange for keeping several club employees in work.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

Raheem Sterling phones in sick for work

Here's a cartoon I made for The Daily Telegraph in which Raheem Sterling phones in sick for training. Because that's a real thing that happens now and again.

I know what you're thinking, and yes I have invested in some nice new software to make my cartoons better. Where I thought it would save me time, what actually happens is I start trying to make things look better and thus the whole process takes longer so then I just don't bother doing two different people in the same cartoon to save time for.

Does that make the cartoon better? I don't know. All we can really be sure of is that I hate the tube strike.

I'm just putting this picture here so that it shows up on Google searches. I still don't really understand how Blogger works.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Game of Twats: The Game of Thrones theme with words

Here is the Game of Thrones music with words describing my thoughts on the show, which I don't think I even like, but watch anyway to make sure I get cultural references and so I feel sort of involved with friends from far away on Facebook.


Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Incredible! This football fan read more than just the title of an article about his team... what happened next will make you exhume a corpse

In scenes that will shock the football world, an Arsenal fan read more than just the title of an article about his club before reacting to it.

Discovering an article about lion heart Jack Wilshere by an unnamed newspaper on Twitter, life-time Gooner @HighburyDave could have been excused for instantly concluding that the words he was about to not read were nothing short of damning for his beloved club.

But what happened next shocked him so much it made him literally come.

Deciding to take a step back and read more than just the tweet, HighburyDave discovered something he never expected: the article contained information which added to the title.

"I was shaking. I still am. I mean we all know everything on the internet about Arsenal that I haven't written or that isn't 100% of the same opinion that I have or isn't written by a former Arsenal legend is garbage... but this... this was some words that offered a constructive critique of what the football club is doing and why it seemed unlikely we wouldn't sign a particular player. I couldn't believe my eyes - it made sense"
Initially HighburyDave wanted to begin a social media witch hunt to have the journalist who wrote the title and tweet fired and then beheaded. But on closer reading, he realised that a real person had written words in an order that he could vaguely comprehend.
"When I realised that it wasn't a robot that I could fight, but an actual human that had constructed the rest of the article, I knew I was wrong about Twitter."
Now HighburyDave hopes to gain his own career in football writing despite having previously acknowledged that every single football writer online who doesn't support Arsenal is a "sloppy journalist" or operating on a "slow news day".

Whether football journalists on Twitter will recover from the loss of a person who reads their article instead of reacting to its title, remains to be seen. We can only hope that no more digital blood is shed.

Peter Braithwaite, ITV News, Channel 4.

Friday, 5 June 2015

The Champions League final previewed on FIFA 15 by idiots

Juventus vs Barcelona! The Champions League final! WHAT WILL THE FUCKING SCORE BE?

To find out as part of my real job at the telegraph I played against Tom Edwards, who you can follow on Twitter @tomedwards.

I ABSOLUTELY DESTROY HIM so please enjoy the greatest FIFA 15 Champions League final you've ever seen

Oh I love Xavi and Messi and Iniesta and Neymar and Mascherano and Alba and Alves. All the lads. Pedro

The final episode of Trevor McDonald's secret diary

In the final episode of Trevor McDonald's autobiography, James from Gunnerblog and I try not to laugh as we read stories about Trevor McDonald that we have made up for each other.

Before recording this book reading, James had never seen the story I'd written for him, which is why we are so unprofessional and incapable of not laughing.

I do hope you enjoy it.

I'm off to try and make a Leo Messi video now.

See ya later