Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Ally McCoist thinks social media is bad

Rangers goalkeeper Steve Simonsen was abused on Twitter by his own fans after playing badly against Dundee United and letting in three goals.  Then he left Twitter.  McCoist thinks computers are evil

Some sub-humans sent varied messages of hatred and abuse at Simonsen and his family (they weren't really involved in the game) to the point where he just deleted his account straight away.  Not cool guys.  I tried to find the video of his spectacular mis-control to allow United's third goal but was distracted by YouTube's suggestions for related videos which included one titled:
Hermit crab migration
I don't know what hermit crabs really have to do with either Ally McCoist or Dundee United but here are some words from the Rangers manager:
"I’m maybe an old dinosaur. I’m seeing more negatives than positives from players on Twitter at the moment. I’ve said before we have to be guarded about what we do and what we say.
While I like winding up footballers and real people on Twitter as much as the next guy, there's a certain level at which it becomes genuinely abusive and akin to throwing rocks at the witch accused in the gallows.  Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you have to share it.  Unless you're a girl, really hot and your opinion is that you should email me pictures of your tits.  Then I will allow it

hint hint 

Aston Villa suspend people I've never heard of

BREAKING NEWS!  That club no-one supports has suspended some people you haven't heard of *cue news music*

Ian Culverhouse and Gary Karsa have both been 'suspended pending an internal investigation' according to the BBC but nobody knows why.  Some guy and Shay Given have been promoted to take over their roles temporarily and that's all I know about the story.  I've never met anyone who supports Aston Villa and on a list of 'things people care about' I think they're somewhere between half used batteries and butternut squashes.  Why does everyone seem to have one of those things in their house

Manchester United players are humans

Danny Welbeck, Tom Cleverley and Ashley Young went out on the piss after getting home from Munich last week and now they're being fined.  Fuck me football is boring

David Moyes had given the squad three days off following the defeat in Germany, but according to The Daily Mirror:
Both Welbeck and Cleverley were out for the night, which started at Neighbourhood before they moved on to Sakura at Deansgate Locks.
As they left the club, Young departed in a taxi, and 23-year-old Welbeck emerged with a bottle of water in his hand.
Just let them do stuff!  All of you cunts on Twitter and Facebook with your smart phones and digital cameras and pacman video games are making being a professional footballer one of the most boring jobs ever.  Do you get to play football all day?  Check.  Do you get paid lots of money?  Check.  Are you allowed a single minute to enjoy either of these things?  No.

When I have a day off I like to go to a pub and get shit-faced - so do other mid-20s people.  The biggest differences are that when I go into work I don't have 50,000 people screaming at me trying to tell me ways to do my job better and in my job I'm not terrified to tell anyone about my gay thoughts.


White men (Ronaldo) can jump

Ronaldo's rather good at football and he's also built like an absolute machine.  You sometimes forget just how ridiculously better than you footballers are, so here's some normal people trying to get near to a Ronaldo header.

You'll be pleased to know that several similar experiments are also being held in that same building but my favourite is the John Terry simulator where you have to put on a full Chelsea kit as quickly as possible while someone shags your girlfriend in the changing rooms.

Also not shown are the Ched Evans and Michael Johnson challenges which involve raping and kebabs.  This is not to be confused with the 'Dundee on Tuesday Afternoon' simulator in the car park

Monday, 14 April 2014

Alan Pardew is digging a hole

There was a brief period where Alan Pardew confused everyone by winning 'manager of the year' but thankfully things have returned to normal now and everyone hates him.

According to The Telegraph:
After just over three years of tolerating Pardew, supporters are turning in vast numbers. The Stoke game was the first time the discontent has been expressed at a match, but it has been mounting on social media and among influential fanzine writers for a long time.
It makes sense I guess because Newcastle have been boring for ages but what's he supposed to do?  None of their players gives a shit because they're all not from Newcastle and want to leave, the owner sold their only good player in January to make some money, and there's no way anyone is ever going to invest the amount of money required to get them above 6th place.

There is as much point to Newcastle United in the Premier League as there is to prolonging that coma your girlfriend is in - even if she comes out of it in like 20 years, things will have changed so much that she won't even like you any more and then I can call her my girlfriend I mean Alan Pardew will be fired soon.  

Robin van Persie trains real hard

As if no-one learned anything from that Owen Hargreaves video I made, Robin van Persie posted a video of himself totally working out bro.  He even lifts

You can watch a video of him working out on his Facebook page and boy should you.  In this video you can see he's really close to full fitness as he lifts some weights three times, goes on a trampoline and then jogs off down a school gym hall.  If you want to make the video better sing the tune to "0891 FIFTY FIFTY FIFTY!" to it.  Anyone below the age of about 25 won't get that joke

Adriano likes to party. Also pies

Adriano (that guy from Pro Evo) was trying really hard to get back in the Brazil squad for the World Cup recently, but then he remembered about nightclubs

Good old Adriano has been released from his club 'insert brazilian club name' which is very sad.  You may think it sounds harsh but this was the second time in a week that he's done it, and even football takes that seriously.  At least at my job I can just have word documents open and tap on keys every now and again while my eyes sleep.  Having to run around a football pitch being good whilst shit faced from the night before probably doesn't work.

The video is on 101 Great Goals so you can watch a very drunk Brazilian man standing next to what I assume is a hot girl.  No-one gets naked and I'm not in it, so as you can imagine I got bored very quickly and stopped watching to make loud animal noises.  These are also the same reasons I'm not invited to funerals