Thursday, 9 July 2015

Raheem Sterling phones in sick for work

Here's a cartoon I made for The Daily Telegraph in which Raheem Sterling phones in sick for training. Because that's a real thing that happens now and again.


I know what you're thinking, and yes I have invested in some nice new software to make my cartoons better. Where I thought it would save me time, what actually happens is I start trying to make things look better and thus the whole process takes longer so then I just don't bother doing two different people in the same cartoon to save time for.

Does that make the cartoon better? I don't know. All we can really be sure of is that I hate the tube strike.

I'm just putting this picture here so that it shows up on Google searches. I still don't really understand how Blogger works.


Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Game of Twats: The Game of Thrones theme with words

Here is the Game of Thrones music with words describing my thoughts on the show, which I don't think I even like, but watch anyway to make sure I get cultural references and so I feel sort of involved with friends from far away on Facebook.


Tits.

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Incredible! This football fan read more than just the title of an article about his team... what happened next will make you exhume a corpse

In scenes that will shock the football world, an Arsenal fan read more than just the title of an article about his club before reacting to it.


Discovering an article about lion heart Jack Wilshere by an unnamed newspaper on Twitter, life-time Gooner @HighburyDave could have been excused for instantly concluding that the words he was about to not read were nothing short of damning for his beloved club.

But what happened next shocked him so much it made him literally come.

Deciding to take a step back and read more than just the tweet, HighburyDave discovered something he never expected: the article contained information which added to the title.

HighburyDave:
"I was shaking. I still am. I mean we all know everything on the internet about Arsenal that I haven't written or that isn't 100% of the same opinion that I have or isn't written by a former Arsenal legend is garbage... but this... this was some words that offered a constructive critique of what the football club is doing and why it seemed unlikely we wouldn't sign a particular player. I couldn't believe my eyes - it made sense"
Initially HighburyDave wanted to begin a social media witch hunt to have the journalist who wrote the title and tweet fired and then beheaded. But on closer reading, he realised that a real person had written words in an order that he could vaguely comprehend.
"When I realised that it wasn't a robot that I could fight, but an actual human that had constructed the rest of the article, I knew I was wrong about Twitter."
Now HighburyDave hopes to gain his own career in football writing despite having previously acknowledged that every single football writer online who doesn't support Arsenal is a "sloppy journalist" or operating on a "slow news day".


Whether football journalists on Twitter will recover from the loss of a person who reads their article instead of reacting to its title, remains to be seen. We can only hope that no more digital blood is shed.

Peter Braithwaite, ITV News, Channel 4.

Friday, 5 June 2015

The Champions League final previewed on FIFA 15 by idiots

Juventus vs Barcelona! The Champions League final! WHAT WILL THE FUCKING SCORE BE?


To find out as part of my real job at the telegraph I played against Tom Edwards, who you can follow on Twitter @tomedwards.

I ABSOLUTELY DESTROY HIM so please enjoy the greatest FIFA 15 Champions League final you've ever seen

Oh I love Xavi and Messi and Iniesta and Neymar and Mascherano and Alba and Alves. All the lads. Pedro

The final episode of Trevor McDonald's secret diary

In the final episode of Trevor McDonald's autobiography, James from Gunnerblog and I try not to laugh as we read stories about Trevor McDonald that we have made up for each other.


Before recording this book reading, James had never seen the story I'd written for him, which is why we are so unprofessional and incapable of not laughing.

I do hope you enjoy it.

I'm off to try and make a Leo Messi video now.

See ya later

Tuesday, 2 June 2015

WIN FOOD! Predict Champions League final first goalscorer and Hungry House might give you things

Greetings fitba fans! Another long, ludicrous and wildly entertaining season of footy has come to an end…but not quite. Fancy getting your hands on a summer of free takeaway? Then give us your 1st goal prediction for the big game this Saturday to be in with a chance of winning!

The Champions League final kicks off between Barcelona and Juventus this Saturday - and we’ll be rewarding one lucky football fan with a whopping great big takeaway voucher - £500 worth to be precise!

Simply tweet @hungryhouse using the hashtag #championtakeaway telling us which player you think will hit the back of the net first, and the minute in which you reckon they’ll score. Here’s a good shout:

@hungryhouse Lionel Messi, 27 minutes #championtakeaway

Have a go, and you could turn a summer without football into a summer of free takeaway!

(For full terms and conditions visit the hungryhouse blog)

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

FIFA 2016 new features revealed!

EA Sports waited until the day that all of FIFA got arrested to reveal that the next day they'll tell everyone the first of all the new features for FIFA 16.
The first new feature is a radical one. In place of detailed real-life stadiums, the next generation of FIFA matches will be held in a giant prison and instead of players, you will control inmates who look suspiciously like important members of FIFA's board.

Other controversial changes include a Sepp Blatter stats boost to 100 (previously 99) and the removal of England and the USA from the game. Another side game allows you to control a Nepalese slave as he tries to fight exhaustion and stadium security guards to try and reclaim his passport.


It doesn't end there though! Another new feature in this year's game is in Career Mode, where instead of controlling a player on his journey from reserve team youth player to international star, you control FIFA's communications director. In this game you must navigate your way around difficult lines of questioning from journalists while at all times maintaining that absolutely nothing has gone wrong and everybody else is an idiot.


Other expected changes include all of the teams being taken out except Real Madrid to save time when choosing who to be online, and more scripting to ensure that the key demograph of 12-18 year olds without their own source of income maintain interest in games that may otherwise finish either 0-0 or 20-0 to the opponent due to a genuine difference in gaming ability.

FIFA YouTubers are said to have welcomed the move, saying:
"I think the changes are great and timely. Never has it been easier for a talentless, charmless teenager like myself to become insanely rich by simply screaming into a television screen and duping children into purchasing virtual digital stickers on an hourly basis"
Konami are also set to reveal plans for their new version of Pro Evo. These are believed to include "making sure it's still nowhere near as good as Pro Evo 4", putting "an even worse and completely un-navigable menu system" in place and "just sort of tweaking bits here and there but never really fixing anything".