Sunday, 30 April 2017

Sunderland relegated, Moyes can travel to home planet

Sunderland are one of the worst Premier League sides I've ever seen and on Saturday they successfully managed to relegate themselves by losing to Bournemouth. All glory to David Moyes.

David Moyes has said various positive things during his time at Sunderland, things like "we need to win games" and "we need to score goals" and "I can't wait to return to my home planet, which I will be able to do once I've completed my transformation from elite level manager to relegator" and yes, that's how I'm choosing to spell relegator. Which isn't even a word.

Anyway. So there Moyes was, getting Sunderland relegated and suddenly a bright light shone from the sky .HEAVENS ABOVE the crowd chanted, probably in tune with that Crystal Palace song that everyone else is stealing now. GET YOUR OWN SONGS! I hate that, when teenagers start trying to be real die hard fans by just using someone elses's songs. The Ed Sheerans of football chants.

Review and compare all bookies and all of the best betting sites available in the UK if you want to, but any way Moyes can now return to his home planet, called "Scotland" where he can enjoy a successful post-management career. He's not left Sunderland yet but the only way to return to his true form is to believe, just like you with your dreams. If you want to shag the ice cream man, boy, you just go out and do it. Believe. But get consent first OK bye see ya later.

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Spurs vs Arsenal: Three at the back is like so hip right now

The other day someone managed to flip their car on to its back on the 20mph speed limit street outside my house. How? How do you do even do that? Perhaps this was a sign - strange things were going on in North London. Stranger than Arsenal playing with a 3-4-2-1?! Let's find out.

As we all know, there is nothing sexier in life than a new formation, and Arsenal now play with three centre backs because people in North London will literally die unless they keep up with whatever is fashionable.

Arsene Wenger was like 'yeh boi I is gon totes change it up magoo' and put ROB HOLDING, champion of our hearts, in defence next to Laurent Koscielny and Gabriel - not the singer from Genesis or the pirate loving R&B star - and it's gone sort of OK. Compare betting offers from all of the greatest uk bookies if you'd like to try and win money guessing how screwed they'll be against Spurs, who are now very good at the soccering. 

It's not just Arsenal playing 3-4-2-1 - everyone is at it. At five a side they're doing it, in offices around the country they're doing it - with three receptionists, those important finance people can type with even more attacking freedom knowing that Sally downstairs will be having a whale of time rescheduling their golf meetings and arranging drop offs with their narcotics supplier.

And now, let's listen to the greatest football song ever first - perhaps that will inspire you to bet, the thing you absolutely have to do if you even like football these days. And just like gambling there is no possible way that 3-4-2-1 could go wrong, certainly not for an Arsenal team who love selfies and conceding goals and failure. 

I was on a tube train (it's one of the ones that lives under the soil) the other day and these four or five Arsenal fans were singing all their favourite songs, like about how Harry Kane's family were "mongs" and that Wojiech Szczesny built their house "because he's Polish" and another terrific ditty that goes "he's white, he's black, he plays at centre-back it's Gabriel" because they were just a great bunch of lads. Cunts. Arsenal fans are the worst. And Liverpool. And Old Firm. And just everyone, I really don't like football people.

And that is all you get from FitbaThatba today. Peace out.

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Five worst ever Premier League transfer flops

Throughout the history of the Premier League, there have been many memorable players to grace the division. But for every superstar to arrive in the prestigious English top-flight, there are also those who fail to live up to expectations. So, we look back on five of the biggest Premier League flops in recent seasons.  

Andy Carroll 

After the arrival of Luis Suarez at Anfield, Liverpool fans were expecting further huge signings – and they got one, in the form of Andy Carroll. The towering frontman was then made the most expensive Englishman in the Premier League, after his £35 million switch from Newcastle United.  His career can be easily summed up. Six goals in 44 outings, injuries, frustration and off-the-field rumours. Carroll's current club West Ham United are an outside 66/1 with bet365 in the Premier League betting to face relegation this season.

Fernando Torres 

A familiar face up next, with Torres having gone from Reds hero to Blues zero in just a matter of months. Chelsea signed the Spaniard from Liverpool for a mammoth £50 million in January 2011.  He went on to score a dismal seven goals in his two Premier League campaigns in London. When the term 'waste of money' is ever mentioned, Torres is undoubtedly the first name that springs to mind. However, he did manage to pick up FA Cup, Champions League and Europa League honours while there!

Eric Djemba-Djemba  

So bad they named him twice! Or so the saying goes. Djemba-Djemba arrived at Old Trafford back in 2003 with a big reputation, having been dauntingly billed as the next Roy Keane.  Things didn't exactly go according to plan, however, as it took just 20 appearances after his £3.5 million move from Nantes for supporters to realise he wouldn't be following in the footsteps of their famous former Irish captain. The midfielder instead has been dubbed Sir Alex Ferguson's worst ever signing during an illustrious career at Manchester United.

Afonso Alves 

 An incredible 45 goals struck in 39 games for Heerenveen in the Eredivisie, a tally both Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo would be proud of, saw Alves rise to prominence. Surely that clinical eye for goal would see the Brazilian become a success in England?  Unfortunately not, for Middlesbrough. The forward was an instant flop, as he averaged less than one strike every four games for the club, with 10 in 42 games after arriving for a substantial £13 million.

Konstantinos Mitroglou 

Premier League relegation looms. The January transfer market is open. There's millions to spend. Who do you sign? Greek forward Mitroglou, of course! That's the decision that London outfit Fulham made back in January 2014. Such a move turned out to be an absolute disaster at Craven Cottage, with Mitroglou failing to deliver upon his arrival in the capital.  The flop forward ended up playing just three games for the club as they were ultimately relegated from the Premier League. He later joined Olympiakos on loan for a season in August after a nightmare spell. This is a prime example of a huge gamble gone completely wrong for clubs in England's top tier division. 

Thursday, 15 December 2016

The joy of xmas

Do you remember when Richard Gordon off Sportsound gave us a Christmas present? Oh sweet memories.

We never did get to use those tickets but if we had, we would have enjoyed them. I mean they weren't real. But all it takes is confidence sometimes. Walk up to the ticket man, say hello, tell him you don't need a ticket. If you have a ticket it's even easier. 

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

The Magic of the FA Cup

Jack Burkitt - Nottingham Forest FA Cup Winners 1959

It’s time to practise saying stuff like “massive upset”, “giant slaying”, and “shock result” as the FA Cup is about to introduce the teams that people have actually heard of. There has already been a round of fixtures with sides like Braintree Town and Solihull Moors magically prevailing over their opposition. Come January, football fans will begin to take a vague interest in England’s seminal knockout tournament- mainly people who support teams that don’t normally have a hope in hell of winning anything.
Yes, Wigan and Portsmouth will be licking their lips at the opportunity to storm towards another addition to their trophy cabinets. And players from Braintree and Solihull are already praying that they draw a club that plays in a proper stadium should they progress past the next stage (second round opponents Millwall and Luton Town don’t really count).
Manchester City are 13/2 in the FA Cup betting to win the tournament, because they are supposed to be winning everything now they have a manager with a proven track record of winning everything. Pep Guardiola has, in fact, already failed to win the League Cup, losing to Jose Mourinho’s expensive underachievers. Why bookies think the Catalan will show more bottle in the FA Cup is anyone’s guess.
The magic of the FA Cup is that anyone can win. And as many people enjoyed saying last season when Leicester City won the Premier League: “Anyone can beat anyone in this game.” Instead of backing sides like City and Chelsea, why not instead stake large sums of dosh on the likes of Stourbridge and Curzon Ashton at 4500/1? You will kick yourself when they pull off their fairy-tale “upsets” and go on to sweep aside the so-called giants.


The underdog mentality has proven to be more valuable than multimillion pound, blockbuster signings on numerous occasions. Why have Paul Pogba in your squad when you could have a part time painter and decorator who just “wants it more.”
The biggest giant slaying or whatever you want to call it was probably back in 1991-92 when Wrexham knocked out Arsenal in the third round. The Gunners were the reigning First Division champions at the time and the other team had finished the previous season at the foot of the football league.

The FA Cup also gives fans the chance to rejoice about being drawn against a team they hate that they haven’t played against for ages. This was the case for Leeds United in the 2009-10 season when they got to play their bitter enemy Manchester United. As testament to the “passion” between the two clubs all the pubs in the city centre were forced to close to avoid any unsavoury meetings between fans. Leeds won the match 1-0 (see video above) and still go on about it to this day.

What magic will occur in this season’s tournament as all the clubs in England battle for supremacy? My money’s on Braintree doing Millwall and putting together a decent run.  

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Jack Wilshere on loan? Joe Hart to Tarino? It's TRANSFER HAWK

Behold! It is Transfer Hawk in all his glory.

You used to think 'why do the papers keep saying they're going in for a swoop like the footballer is a fucking egg or a small rodent that a hawk would eat' didn't you?

NOW YOU KNOW. I'm talking transfer hawk you mothers.

Share it, love it, fornicate to it, make love to it, just do whatever. whatever you want. It's your life.

Friday, 26 August 2016

Arsenal are really bad at transfers, now good

Only a few days ago Arsenal fans (teenagers on the internet) were absolutely furious with Ahsun Vengah for his lack of transfer activity. Now it looks like they're about to sign all the players they need! Hooray for internet justice.

Now you may recognise Shkodran Mustafi from such transfer rumours as 'Mustafi is going to Arsenal' and 'Mustafi isn't going to Arsenal' but now apparently the deal is back on. Valencia have accepted a £35m + bid for the defender but the fun doesn't end there! Spanish Jamie Vardy, Lucas Perez, is also on his way to North London for a fee of £17m or something like that.

Having never paid attention to Mustafi when I've seen him, I have no idea whether he's any good or not, but since he's costing £35m he must be! That's the secret to transfers - the more you pay for them, the better the player is.

By the way, if you want to bet on Arsenal never signing a player you can visit to use their interactive tool to filter the latest betting offers. 

The other day Thierry Henry, pictured above, was like 'I don't think players even want to come to Arsenal any more' but of course they don't. Why would you want to join the nerdiest boys club in the league? Imagine you walk into the canteen for lunch and Theo Walcott comes up and says 'I've done the most HILARIOUS prank!' and then Oxlade Chamberlain and Keiran Gibbs go 'OH Theo!!!' because he's tied their shoe laces together! Hahah aha ha aha a and then they go and read a book under the sun.

anyway thye've signed some players so please Arsenal fans, shut up. Just shut up. You are the absolute worst. No wonder Wenger hates you.