Monday, 20 October 2014

VIDEO: The science behind penalty taking INVESTIGATED

Back before the World Cup had even begun, I embarked on a highly scientific investigation of penalty taking psychology. Here is my report.

Enjoy. Thanks for watching. Share it because if you don't, no-one will see it. Unless you think it's shit, in which case don't worry.

Friday, 17 October 2014

Poland fans and Scotland fans are best friends now

As we all know, everyone from Poland is evil which is why when Polish football fans waited outside the stadium after their 2-2 with Scotland everyone knew something was going down. But then... THEY WERE THERE TO APPLAUD SCOTLAND FANS FOR BEING SO BLOODY NICE! AWWWWWWWW

I don't actually see what the Press & Journal is on about here, because it looks a lot like what normally happens after the match anyway when you aren't playing against some hideous minks but let's just go with it. Apparently Polish fans enjoyed the atmosphere created by the Tartan Army so much that they felt the need to say thanks and gathered outside the away fans section to applaud them as they left. Isn't that nice?

The sight of thousands of Polish football fans standing in a line waiting for Scots to exit the area probably didn't look in any way intimidating, so that's good. After the game the entire stadium all got on Ryanair planes back to Scotland, where they live.

Raheem Sterling's tragic exhaustion vs a normal working human's

By "The Snake" (@snake_hunter66)

A discussion has erupted in recent days around the issue of "rest." This rest is a commodity which we are all guilty of indulging in.

I myself am a serial offender, and have some rest most days. My resting usually occurs in a bed and at night time. At least once a week, I may rest on a sofa or a train seat. On a weekend, my rest can happen on a tiled bathroom floor, or even within the property of a complete stranger. One of my pals even rested in a police cell after choosing to say the wrong thing in Corfu Kebabs, Dundee.

Raheem Sterling has recently decided that he needs a rest.

A lack of energy is the basis of his argument, alongside his worry of burnout. I will now take a knife to each of these points.


Raheem Sterling's terms of employment are to work for 90mins/week and 180mins/week for any week featuring The Champions League, or a diddy cup.

A UK adult working on a full time basis is usually on a 35hr contract, meaning that Raheem is getting off lightly. Sure, there is training on occasion - but many of my good friends play football on an evening/weekend AFTER working a 35hr week. They still somehow find enough gas in the tank.

Raheem is no slouch on the pitch, and fairly puts himself about during a match. The same can be said of his bedroom performance, oi oi. As a young father, he has 6 children to 9 different women. Throughout my time as a sexually active male I have never been accused of being "shy," and my approach towards birth control has been extremely lacklustre at times. Absurdly, I am still yet to father a single child. 

By using some maths, I can calculate that Raheem must have done sex a minimum of 600,000 times (and dished out at least 250,000 fingerbangs.) This sort of irresponsible activity eats up a lot of time in a persons week. Especially if the minky women in question choose to stay for breakfast or "to chill," rather than leave immediately after ejaculation - like they bloody well should.

It seems that a lesson on time management could prove worthwhile for this young stud.

A popular social media argument in his defence is centered around Sterling's role as a "pace player." In this modern era of equality and diversity, this argument should be shot down immediately. If Mido asked his manager if he could lie on a sofa all day, would he be afforded the same generous treatment?

Physical over-exertion and the argument for scheduled rest is a very recent phenomenon, and seems to have bypassed the 80's almost entirely. Within this scene featuring an italian american boxer, please tell me if you can spot the rest period. I cant.

If anything, the tangible sporting successes earned by people like Mr Balboa are almost completely down to their training routines. Maybe Raheem should punch some meat when he has a bit of spare time at night. If it didn't help his Liverpool/England form, it would at least keep the child maintainence payments down.


Burnout is an extremely popular video games franchise produced by Criterion. An arcade-style racing simulator with a particular emphasis on slow motion crashes.

In health journals and recent sporting articles, lack of energy and burnout are often mentioned in the same breath. 

When at university, I had a friend who managed to progress to his 4th and final year of study withought touching any illegals. He always stuck to his booze, ken? Well, one night he decided to change his operating model, and feasted on a load of [infamous abbreviated class-a party drug]

He ended up playing rather a lot of Burnout that night, Burnout Paradise actually. His manner of play was drenched in an all consuming energy.  His focus seemed eternal. 

This is the first time I have seen Burnout take its rightful place alongside AN EXCESS of energy.

Please take what you will from this Raheem, Roy and Brendan. X


Peterhead player banned for 2 games for saying people from Fife are mutants

Peterhead player Andy Rodgers, who works in a petrol station or something, has been banned for saying bad things on Twitter. Twitter is apparently very serious now which is a shame if you are from Peterhead and have only recently learned how to breathe.

While I agree with Rodgers that the people of Fife are largely "absolute creatures" and "mutants" it is somewhat ironic that someone who presumably lives in Peterhead (it's north of Aberdeen) is in trouble for saying it. You're allowed to describe things still, it's not like he's just randomnly picking a place and slagging it off. Both Peterhead and Fife are the kind of places where the bar staff should all have to wear Hazmat suits just incase.

I understand when Rio Ferdinand gets in trouble for using shitty words like "sket" on Twitter because he has millions of followers and is meant to be a "role model", seeing as how Nike sponsor him to be alive, but I had never heard of Andy Rodgers until right now. I'm not entirely sure he's going to heavily influence the game but as it is he is currently on the top of the the soccer subreddit at the moment. If you don't know what that means, don't worry, I've heard they are bringing the internet to Peterhead in time for 2020. And in Fife there is hope that at some point an alphabet might be introduced.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

ISIS is bad - a comedy song about ISIS

Here is a hopefully funny song about ISIS that I made. It doesn't have anything to do with football... unless the Islamic State does actually become a country and competes in the World Cup, but whatever.

The words are:
when you left me it was early september
you said you were going to the shops but you actually went to syria
why did you have to lie
now i sit alone and cry
and now i feel so empty inside

when you said
you wanted to behead
all of the non-believers
you meant
of the islamic state
not that we were meant to be together

now i sit alone and procrastinate
While you have helped rapidly established an islamic fundamentalist caliphate
and they’re doing really well
bloody hell
those guys really don’t fuck about

when you said 
you wanted to give me a head
i thought it was sexual mispronunciation
please don’t 
send me the head
of a hostage you’ve murdered for religious reasons

i was 
in love
with an islamic state fundamentalist
its hard to explain
how it feels to find out 
that I have fingered a terrorist

you went mad
when i said that i think isis is bad
but isis is bad
Enjoy. Share. Thanks etc 

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Joe Hart and James Milner go for a night out in Aberdeen

Manchester City stars Joe Hart and James Milner helped England beat Estonia 1-0 on whenever the hell that was and afterwards flew to Aberdeen for a p.a.r.t.WHY? fuck knows.

Above is a goalkeeper with a student called Katherine Price and below is someone on Twitter called @grantinhand who ran into James Milner:

Judging by where these two are standing, I have deduced that the England players were probably drinking in somewhere called Paramount Bar. If you haven't been there before, don't worry about it. Just imagine a place that you don't ever want to have to go, but that your girlfriend knows someone that never, ever goes out and when they do they spend their entire time on Facebook but it's their engagement party and you have to go, and then you go and you decide that simply breaking up with your girlfriend isn't enough, you're going to have to literally kill her and hide the body in the harbour. Tonight. If you can imagine that then you're getting close.

There isn't really anything more to the story than that if I'm perfectly honest and as much as I want to tell you that the night ended with Joe Hart being thrown out of Exodus for doing the crab dance too violently at 12:30am on a week night, I would be lying. Because that was me. Twice.

Mesut Ozil definitely did not bang this girl

Mesut Ozil has been accused of banging a hot girl. This is bad because he had a girlfriend at the time and some guy I've never heard of is telling this to people in the newspapers. The German newspapers.

Above is a picture of Melanie something or other, and below is a picture of thingy thing:

I have cleverly labelled both people in this picture so you do not get confused. Ozil is said to be considering legal action against German Man A, who alleges that Ozil used his "fame" to "muscle in" on his girl (the top one) while he was going out with his own girl (bottom left).

Unfortunately Mesut Ozil was unable to provide comment to me because he is actually in the process of being euthanised right now, seeing as how that's the most humane thing you could do to him at the moment. If he wasn't so busy (allegedly) shagging around maybe he wouldn't be so fucking useless at football. There are high schools in rural Dundee with higher pass percentages.