Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Paul Scholes is angry at City fans

Lots of selfish Manchester City fans didn't bother turning up to watch their side play against Roma in the Champions League on Tuesday night and it has made Paul Scholes FURIOUS.

Scholes LAID IN to the City fans while being a pundit on ITV and said things like:

‘Tonight I don't think there is [a special atmosphere]. I don't think they realise what a big game this is.‘They've got the team, they've definitely got the players, the quality is definitely there, but do the crowd realise how lucky they are to be in this competition? I don't think they do.’
To be fair to City fans, I switched to watching that Gordon Ramsay show at 9:15 anyway because it was much more entertaining. Why normal people couldn't be arsed paying £50 a ticket to go see a boring game that funds a bunch of millionaires with no real attachment to the city to draw 1-1 is truly beyond me. Especially when Gordon Ramsay is bullying someone on TV.

Arsene Wenger is immortal

Arsene Wenger has been in charge of Arsenal for 18 years now, which means he can now legally take it to the pub and it can stop drinking Miller at teenage parties, gamble and legally watch porn.

Recently Wenger revealed that his biggest regret in his career was not signing Cristiano Ronaldo, which is nice because most normal people have different regrets in their career. These tend to include things like accidentally hitting 'Reply All' on an email chain, having to work at that place at all and getting a handjob from the cleaner at the Christmas party. I'm pretty sure he was a cleaner anyway.

Manchester United want money from abroad

Now that nobody watches the Champions League anymore because Manchester United aren't in it, the club want to explore other money making avenues. Like playing friendlies against rich people.

Football Manager has taught us that Champions League participation is worth £7million plus lots of TV money, but real life people have estimated that not being in the competition this year will cost about £40million for United. I don't know whether this is real or not or is based on the same made up numbers people use for the stock market.

"Oh no Apple's shares have gone down $26billion today oh but now they're up $14billion that's good". 

There's this absolute dick head of a cat who keeps trying to get into my house through the back door by my kitchen by the way. I know this doesn't effect you, but that's exactly how I feel about the stock market and Man United missing £40million so I just thought I'd write it down. Ed Woodward's solution is to play games against MLS teams like NYRB and LAGLXY but I think a much more lucrative solution would be to form a sort of caliphate in the middle east, since that apparently makes more money than many legitimate countries could ever dream of through oil production and it didn't even seem that hard to do in the first place.

Plus, the people who have joined ISIS seem about as fickle in what they believe in as Man United fans anyway so the foundations are there.

Newspapers continue to believe that England games matter

In the land of football media it is important that things happen so that there is something to write about, or even if they don't happen you can make it up. On an unrelated note, Daniel Sturridge will miss England's qualifiers and this is just terrible.

According to the BBC, Brenton Rodgers has said that Daniel Sturridge will be unfit to play for England against I dont know and I think San Marino. Look, he really did:
"He won't be fit to play for England whether he's available for the weekend or not," he said.
See? I told you he said it. Now England must choose from some other strikers to try and qualify for a tournament that the nation demands they win, despite pretending for about a month prior to it that they'll have no chance. Sort of in the same way that people pretend not to like Oasis but as soon as they're pissed at a nightclub and Cigarettes and Alcohol starts playing they forget they'd said that.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

8 Things Louis Van Gaal Has Absolutely No Control Over At Manchester United

We all know that Louis Van Gaal is a genius who will lead Manchester United towards a new decade of dominance. That's just scientific fact. Whether it be a 3-4-1-2, a 3-5-2 or any number of diamond formations, the Dutchman's tactical influence effects all he encounters. But what are some things that he does not have an influence over?

1. This tugboat

No matter how hard he tries, Louis Van Gaal just can't get this tugboat to adjust to his philosophy at Manchester United. Fun Fact: Tugboats are just normal boats like you or I!

2. Alex Salmond

Alex Salmond's political mindset just can't be changed, even with strict one on one coaching by Van Gaal.

3. The moon


The moon orbits the earth and Louis Van Gaal simply has no way of controlling it's gravitational pull or even appearance. Although it looks the same size as a coin, this is actually because it's very far away. Fun Fact: Richard Branson owns the moon.

Another Fun Fact: the moon is where space jail is.

4. This fox

This fox doesn't take any of Louis Van Gaal's shit and actively ignores tactical advice from him. His influential team talks have absolutely no effect on the Dutchman. Fun Fact: there are foxes that live outside my house and sometimes I chase them.

5. Australian foreign policy

Man United have so many dirty foreigners in their team now that Tony Abbot and all of Australia's foreign policy decisions cannot be influenced one iota by Louis Van Gaal's decisions. Even playing Wayne Rooney in the number 10 role won't change the way they think about ISIS.

7. This girl's sexy skeleton outfit

This girl has made her decision to wear a sexy skeleton costume, and is sticking to it. Van Gaal's comparisons of past teams he led to glory and even his requests for patience from Man United fans won't stop her being hot and wearing a skeleton costume. Jesus christ I want to do terrible things to

8. This other tugboat

 This tugboat might even be a toy, we can't be sure, what we can be 100% positive of is that it doesn't matter what Van Gaal says or who he buys, until the tugboat completes its journey from point A to B, we may never be 100% sure of anything again. Especially we may never be sure where speficially the number six role defensive diamond formation Tylor Blackett Falcao F Zero X.


Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Pep Guardiola says what happened to Man United is bad

Pep Guardiola has been busy assembling a cheat Bayern Munich team by doing what Celtic and Rangers did in the 90s and buying all the best players from their rivals but sees great danger in the way Man United have adopted a new policy of buying players that they need.

The former Barcelona manager said that United's fall from grace following the teleportation of Alex Ferguson to another dimension should be seen as a warning to all other giant clubs. Then he said:
"They don't have enough money, I am sorry,"
This is after someone asked whether Van Gaal tried to sign any Bayern Munich players like Thomas Muller and not why he doesn't wank off tramps in bus shelters anymore. So at no point did he actually say that United were poor like some papers seem to be saying, he was just saying that his players are really good or something like that. To be honest I don't really care, I just thought I should write something about it.

Steven Gerrard is very wise

Steven Gerrard scored a last minute penalty winner against a team I have never heard of on Tuesday night and he says that this means that they need to get better.

Faced with the press after the game to analyse just why Liverpool weren't able to win 5-0, because that's what they deserved because they are Liverpool and they just deserve to be in Europe, Gerrard expertly delivered this assessment:
"We did OK but it wasn't better than OK," he said. "There's a lot to learn."
This is the kind of quality insight that England craves. Next week: Micah Richards tells us that Italy is nice, but he'd like to know the language better.