Henrik Larsson Plays With His Son

What! Oooooooooh. Henrik Larsson of Celtic, Barcelona and Manchester United fame has come out of retirement so he can play alongside his son. He's 41.

Larsson spent far too long at Celtic and everyone moaned about how he was scared to leave the SPL and be "found out" - even though he scored like 40 goals for Sweden. Then he was like, "I'll just go to Barcelona and win everything LOL. Currently he is the assistant manager for Hogaborg, which sounds like a Belgian beer or some kind of sexy robot. With most of their strikers out injured, Henrik has put himself forward to take a place in the squad.

His son Jordan is 15 and also at Hogaborg but plays in midfield. I kind of feel sorry for him, even at 41 and without any game time for four years, his Dad is almost certainly better than he is. One thing I will never understand is Henrik Larsson's dreadlocks, they were just a bit shit - and he kept them for years. He looked like one of those squid robot things from the Matrix.

Make sure to keep up with FitbaThatba to check on Henrik's progress. Unless I forget that I even wrote this, which I almost certainly will.

Thiago to Manchester United

RUMOUR MILL. Thiago scored a hat trick as Spain showed they are kings of U21 football, defeating Italy 4-2. It's been widely reported that Barcelona's young star would join Man United, now someone just threw petrol all over this transfer rumour bonfire - somebody's might lose their eyebrows. I've no idea what I'm talking about.

That someone was David De Gea who signed Thiago's magic football, ‘Nos Vemos en Manchester' - which apparently means 'see you in Manchester'. He could be referring to his birthday party that he has organised later this summer. Apparently his Mum has hired out Goals for the day, they are going to supply juice, cocktail sausages and an assortment of crisps. It really will be a great day out for all involved. Afterwards they are heading to Pizza Hut for a buffet, but only the winners get to go to the ice cream factory. 

Thiago would be available for about £18m as players in Spain have to have a minimum fee release clause in their contract, which we all know from Football Manager. On paper this seems like a great deal, but then if you think about it, for £3m less you can get Andy Carroll. What would you rather have - a small, skinny guy who "dribbles" and "passes"? Or. A massive fucker with long hair who can headbutt his way through concrete walls and down a pint in under five seconds? No contest. 

Luis Suarez still really wants to leave

Some thought Liverpool striker Luis Suarez might have been over reacting when he said he wanted to run away from England because of the evil media, but it turns out he's very serious.

The Uruguay star scored in his country's 2-1 loss against Spain the other night, despite only having the ball for about 1 minute in the entire game.  His goal game from a free kick and it was very nice.  He is good at football.  This is why Liverpool want at least £40million for him and are readying themselves for a bid from Real Madrid, who seem to have unearthed a secret cave full of gold or something.  I can only assume they are planning to afford Gareth Bale on the assumption that he is 'a diamond in the rough' and can lead the way to enough riches to buy him with in the first place.  'Oh look I have £80million just lying around here, how convenient'.

I'm fairly sure I've used that analogy before.  Regardless, Suarez is pissed off that the rest of his team mates are terrible, or are Jordan Henderson:

“It disturbs me that Liverpool are not in the Champions League and fighting for the Premier League which is where they should be.”

Yeh well it disturbs me that you tried to eat Branislav Ivanovic.  He's massive.  Frank Lampard would have been a better choice because there is more of him and less of it is muscle.

Maybe if you hadn't gone around biting people and being a racist, Liverpool would be higher up the table.  I mean Suarez btw - not you reading this.  Unless you too have been going around biting Serbians and verbally abusing ethnic minorities, or indeed majorities, that you take exception to and this has resulted in you having an adverse effect on Liverpool's Premier League season.  However with new signings imminent, Liverpool are currently priced at 2/1 to finish in the top four next season, with or without Suarez.

Suarez is only going to be allowed to leave if Real also give Liverpool some presents like a new gameboy and Alvaro Morata, who is currently ripping it up in that Under 21s tournament that English media seems to have forgotten is on.  The most interesting thing about this point is that I bet you think I know who Alvaro Morata is.

Ribery and Benzema are in court

Two French football superstars are to appear in court faced with charges of soliciting an under age prostitute.  Delicious!

Zahia Dehar is now 21 (not 18) years old and is at the centre of the scandal which has brought charges against Madrid's Karim Benzema and gargoyle protector of Bayern Munich castle, Frank Ribery.

In the wonderful game of 'Guess Foo' as you can see in the above video, Jack and I learned about Ribery's previous shenanigans.  Both he and Benzema claim that they had no idea the prostitute in question was below legal age

And I mean I sort of understand why.  It's hard to tell with some girls but generally the rule is if you suspect you shouldn't be doing things with them, you shouldn't.  You know, just tell tale clues like if they are a prostitute, or you hire them with money for sex.  These are generally subtle ways of telling if you're with a prostitute.

I guess it's kinda awkward if you feel like you have to ask a girl, who you are clearly trying to bang, if she has any ID before you do it.  It sort of ruins the moment.  Like when you have to get up, find a condom, put it on and then get back to work which I guess is why we all just pretend that we've done it instead.  In an unrelated story, I keep getting letters from Brazil for 'child support payments'.  The jokes on them though because I don't even have any children.

Or I can't read.

Whichever is more believable

Barcelona want Torres

Barcelona have decided that they want to buy Fernando Torres for some reason, but apparently it's only to keep him on the bench just incase.

The Chelsea striker has been warned by Jose Mourinho that he has to 'be better' and with Barca looking to increase their attacking options in the form of actual strikers instead of 'false 9s', the Spaniard may be just the man they need.  The Catalan club believe that Torres could supply about 20/25 goals a season from the bench, but whatever happens at least he'd be there.  Like how Jools Holland gets some of those 'world music' acts on.  You can pretend all you want that you actually like it, and at least they're there instead of Keane, but you'd still rather it was Radiohead.  Or something.  I mean even Muddy Waters would contribute at least 8 goals from midfield a year

If I were any good at betting on sites like FREEbets.org.uk I'd assume that this almost definitely will not happen and he'll go to Napoli instead, since his Uncle is the new manager there.  Wow it's almost like I added this last paragraph for a specific reason or something

Liverpool want another consonant please, Carol

Liverpool are hoping to complete the signing of Henrikh Mkhitaryan from Shakhtar Donetsk in the next couple of days for about £22million.  I have no idea where to even start trying to pronounce that

The Armenian is an attacking midfielder and was named in UEFA's top 100 footballers a couple of seasons ago so that probably means he's good.  He's also apparently worth about £25million so that also makes me think he must be good but you have to consider that this is Liverpool we're talking about.  I could offer them some of my crisps and they'd fax through an £8million offer staggered over 36 months

Hearts have no money

Edinburgh club Hearts have announced that they are about to go into administration because they have no money and owe lots of it.  To their owner.  

Remember the good old days when Neil McCann played for Hearts?  These were the pre-Romanov days.  His Lithuanian based bank is completely broke and facing insolvency, which unfortunately means that he can't really afford to run a football club anymore and they owe him some cash.  It's like when you buy your friend a pint and he doesn't buy one back, except it's not at all and you owe me a pint you cunt.