Saturday, 23 April 2016

Roberto Martinez isn't very popular

Sexual loveman, Roberto Martinez, has had to put up with a lot of criticism this week after people realised he's actually really shit at being a football manager.

Everton were ripped apart in scenes not unlike the casting couch, as Liverpool asked simple questions and their defence responded by being banged all over a leather chair and not really enjoying it. Still, at the end at least they got paid. And that's the greatest gift of all.

"I'm actually a whale shark" says Harry Kane

Tottenham and England striker Harry Kane sent shockwaves through the footballing world this afternoon after admitting he was actually a whale shark posing as a Premier League footballer.
Whilst many conspiracy theorists had the 22-year-old down as some sort of aquatic being after many months of witnessing the deadly number 9 gliding about White Hart Lane with his mouth open, many were not prepared for today's revelation in an exclusive press conference. 
"It's a relief to finally reveal to you all a secret I've been harbouring ever since I was born," said Kane.
"I am in fact a whale shark. Half-human, half-shark to be exact."
Whilst the Tottenham Hotspur press room looked on in amazement, the striker, who is at the time of writing a 20/1 outsider to win the Golden Boot at this year's Euro 2016 tournament in France, decided to clarify exactly what being half-human and half-shark really meant.
He said: "Just think of it like when Mr Spock from Star Trek was half-man and half-Vulcan, not full-Vulcan which is very a common misconception currently held about one of my favourite TV shows." 
"Unlike most footballers, my favourite way to unwind after a match is to sit in a giant tank and gnaw on a blowfish or a piece of debris from a washing machine, I'm not too fussy."
Whilst the packed room of red-top newspaper journalists clamoured to ask the England starlet questions, the impromptu press conference was cut short after it emerged he was late for feeding time at a local Sea Life centre.
"He always seemed to play better in wet conditions which of course now makes perfect sense," said one onlooker following the conference.
"This revelation will certainly give Roy Hodgson a selection headache for this year's Euros. With team-mate Wayne Rooney also rumoured to be half-man, half-Cape Lobster, putting these two on the pitch at the same time could result in a blood bath."

With England's appearance at this year's Euro 2016 tournament now less than two months away, many Three Lions fans are applauding the bravery required to make such an announcement from their number one striker. 

Kevin Nolan mysteriously injured after being demoted as manager

Kevin Nolan is said to be devastated that he has coincidentally picked up an ankle injury after being demoted to player from player manager, by evil emperor Francesco Becchetti, who is a person and not a biscuit.

Since being fired from the position of manager in order to "focus on playing", Kevin Nolan has unfortunately suffered the injury and had to miss all of Leyton Orient's recent fixtures, including the recent 3-2 win over Dagenham, which I actually went to.

Nolan said:
It's just the weirdest thing. One minute I was fine and then almost as soon as I was humiliated and made mr player instead of mr manager, suddenly my ankle fell off. It was bloody mental.

In that game against Dagenham I missed the first goal because I was having a pint and then the second because i left the stand early to get another pint. Clearly, the problem here is that Leyton Orient need allow me to drink pints in the stands.

Celtic thank Aberdeen for giving up

Ronny Deila yesterday offered his thanks to all the Aberdeen players and staff who made his dream of winning the Scottish Premiership without even really trying possible - again - by losing to St Johnstone.

Just days after announcing that he would be leaving Celtic at the end of the season, Ronny was delighted Aberdeen gave up their last hopes of winning the title by conceding three goals against St Johnstone.

In a statement he said:
I'd like to thank all the aberdeen staff who made this league campaign so easy. I didn't have to put in any effort, was paid a boatload of cash and can now leave this cold, shitty country to live in one where the culture doesnt revolve around greggs and wetherspoons.
Aberdeen players were unavailable for comment on Friday night saying 'we need to get this bus back to town asap or the queue at Exodus will be too long to get in'.

Randy Lerner is sorry for ruining everything

Aston Villa chairman, or owner, or whatever he is, randy Randy Lerner, has apologised with a nice little letter to supporters of the club for ruining fucking everything.

Randy Lerner 'business person'

The American, described by Wikidia as a business person, in the same way that a car is a driving thing, is very disappointed that he isn't rolling in mad coin yo after hiring people like 'Tim Sherwood' and 'that guy Arsene Wenger knows' to try and make the club that nobody actually supports avoid relegation.

It's like hiring the Chuckle Brothers to investigate the Oscar Pistorius case and being disappointed when instead of gathering evidence, it's hilarious.

Message from the Owner.22nd Apr 2016
A nagging sense of inevitability set in against Leicester City despite the late lead we enjoyed. Can't say why although I doubt I'm alone...
How many seasons after all can one hold on and hope to slide through? That is not Aston Villa. That kind of desperate existence is totally unacceptable, unbearable and totally incompatible with Villa's glorious past. That is not what, or why, I looked to get involved back then and it is why I've looked for some time to make a change. I can say certainly in good faith that I have tried to sell since my May 2014 announcement and put our beloved club in better suited hands - but that hasn't happened.
I write to Villa supporters to make clear that this relegation lies at my feet and no one else's. And because I believe in Aston Villa and know it will come back stronger and more able, with love and care for the community it serves, with the edge and attitude it must have to represent our history and tradition. Memories of Acorns on the shirt, and Ashley Young scoring a late winner against Everton still romantically nourish me. I know Villa will return better, stronger.
I will continue to try to put the club into worthy hands as I have, and also do my best to position Villa for the quickest possible return to its rightful place among England's elite.
R Lerner
I quite like the tone the letter but can understand why Aston Villa fans might be angry. It's because they live in Birmingham.  

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Manchester City and the hunt for European glory

Manchester City are in the semi-finals of the Champions League. Strange, isn't it? Just ten years ago, the Blues finished 15th in the Premier League table and now they're on the cusp of European glory. And what have we learnt from City's rise to power? Money talks.
"Sunny Etihad Stadium" (CC BY 2.0) by  gutsgaming 
While this is correct, it would be harsh to take anything away from Manchester City after they went toe-to-toe with Paris Saint-Germain over two gruelling legs of football and came out on top. Kevin de Bruyne scored the only goal of the game in the second leg to secure City's passage to the next round and they will be full of confidence ahead of their semi-final clash.

If truth be told, City have failed to inspire much hope in the Premier League this season - which makes their resurgence in Europe all the more bizarre. But with captain Vincent Kompany and David Silva both set to return to full fitness, City should have their top stars fresh for what could be the most important six weeks in the club's history.
It could be argued that Manuel Pellegrini's men have already exceeded all expectations by reaching the semi-finals, let alone the final on May 28th. Prior to this season, the Blues had failed to advance past the last-16 stage of the competition but they're now in with a real chance of defying the odds and lifting the crown in Milan.

As of April 14th, City are priced at 13/2 to win the competition in the football betting markets - largely due to their inexperience at the top of European football. Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and Atletico Madrid have all achieved plenty of success in the continent's elite club tournament in recent years, although Diego Simeone's men are yet to win the crown after letting a lead slip in injury-time against Real in the 2014 final.
However, that inexperience could play into City's hands. Being completely honest, Pellegrini's men probably didn't expect to get this far and should try to play without any pressure. At this level, of course there's always going to be pressure but City's semi-final opponents will be under more pressure - especially as City are the weakest side left in the competition.
"West Ham United Vs Manchester City" (CC BY 2.0) by  joshjdss 
Pellegrini's men can win the competition but they will need two key aspects to go their way. Firstly, they will need to be fortunate with injuries. If they lose key men between now and the semi-finals, they may struggle. City will need everybody fit to stand any chance of reaching the final. And in tandem with injuries, they will need plenty of luck. If City get lucky, they could emulate Chelsea's heroics in 2012 and lift the Champions League trophy for the first time.

Klopp-factor in full effect at Liverpool

Liverpool are one of the in-form teams in the Premier League and everything seems to be coming together for them now as the finish line approaches. Had Jurgen Klopp been appointed as manager last summer, the Reds could be in an even better position now. The Klopp-factor is finally evident at Anfield and it spells good news for the future of the club.

"IMG_1552.jpg" (CC BY 2.0) by  Thomas Rodenb├╝cher 
In one of the most one-sided Merseyside derbies to date, Klopp’s high-octane Liverpool went out all guns blazing in the style that fans have become accustomed to in recent weeks. Although the final result was 4-0 to the Reds, they could have easily found themselves seven or eight goals ahead had it not been for some fine saves from the Everton goalkeeper, Joel Robles. The emergence of Divock Origi as a more than capable striker, and the return of the clinical Daniel Sturridge, have given the team a great boost as they still remain in the hunt for fourth spot and a Europa League title.
Brendan Rodgers landed two of the signings of the season last summer when he coaxed James Milner and Roberto Firmino to Anfield. Klopp has now moulded these players to his style and both of them seem to act as conduits to the German as they represent his “heavy metal” football on the pitch.
It’s these immensely skilful, hungry, and passionate players that are perhaps the reason that Liverpool are at odds of 9/5 to win the Europa League with 32red UK at the time of writing. Their main rivals, Sevilla and Villarreal, are at 7/4 and 7/2, respectively. After having beaten the previous tournament favourites, Borussia Dortmund, in the last round, Liverpool will have the belief they can go all the way and qualify for the Champions League by winning the Europa League.
Should they fail to find a way into Europe’s elite competition through that route, there is still an outside chance that Liverpool could gain entry through a top-four finish in the league. The race for those coveted Champions League spots could go down to the final week of the season and Liverpool are at odds of 12/1 with 32red and Unibet to knock either Manchester City or Arsenal out of the race. All of Liverpool’s remaining games in the league look winnable on their current form and the side have also shown that, even through heavy rotation to accommodate mid-week fixtures, they can remain cohesive.
If the Reds win every game from now until the end of the season they will finish on 69 points, which could be enough to secure fourth spot. This would be an improvement on last season’s points tally of 62 that saw them finish in sixth place and could mark the start of a rise back up to elite status.
There is excitement and anticipation surrounding Anfield in regards to Klopp’s first full season in charge in the next campaign. There is no doubt that he will be busy in the transfer market, looking to find reinforcements in weak areas and offloading some of the players that have become surplus to requirements. Rumours even suggest that he may be able to convince some of his former players to join him on Merseyside.  
If Klopp can offer Champions League football, this will make trying to attract some of the world’s best players to the club a lot easier. With such immense uncertainty over Sturridge’s fitness, and the fact that the player has only played in just over 66 league games for the club since joining in 2013, Klopp will more than likely be looking to sign another top striker for the season ahead. Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang is one of the world’s hottest forwards and it is almost a certainty that the Gabonese speedster will make a big-money move to one of Europe’s elite clubs in the summer. With Klopp having previously coached the player at Dortmund, fans are hopeful there is a chance that they may be able to sign him. Although Liverpool may not be able to meet the £75million fee

Of course, there are plenty of other players who will be on Klopp’s radar and it will be an exciting transfer window. Judging by Klopp’s record in England so far in half a season, things are looking promising for his first full term in charge.